Current mood: melancholy
A lot of things were said in our church membership classes that have been stuck in my head. Unable to repeat them verbatim I wish I had to ability to snap my fingers and get 'with it'. I'm so 'ugh' with myself, if that's even a fair description. I am blessed beyond absolute measure yet, I can't place those blessing into my brain. I'm emotionally missing something. I know it's because of 'me' and the lack of person I am. I've always been really ambitious with all the different things in Life I've wanted to do, experience etc.. And I let myself down somewhere, somehow. I don't love the way I used to and I'd like to love better. My heart is big- why am I not using it to its full capacity? And my brain- it not as full as it should be. I want to open up and let God lead me in the right direction. I've been in the same spot, I am fully aware of the changes that need to happen but I'm either confused how to get there or ridiculously lazy. I'm being so disrespectful to my family by not being everything I can be. I'm not the mom I wish I was because I use up all my energy in being tired and unmotivated. My daughter is the most precious being on this Earth; she deserves all of me and not what's left of me when I get home from work. Same with Patrick, he deserves more than the little bit I can possibly muster up the energy to give. My job has lost most of its beauty and I find my self frustrated more days than none. It takes so much out of me, but it is what needs to happen right now. What's wrong with me? I must make a change. PLEASE Lord, please take my hand, please guide my heart and soul in the right direction. Please don't allow me to wander aimlessly through life. Place me where I need to be to do your will. Thank you for all of the many blessings you have given me in my life and especially now.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Simply because its Friday
Current mood: cooky/wacky
for some reason my mind is SO not here at work. I've got a stack piled to each side of me and a 'to do' list that is only halfway checked off. Nothing too hard or overwhelming, and I know I could actually get all of it done by the time I leave (including the fact I am leaving early today) but I just cannot make myself get motivated. Obviously - I am on myspace. :) I also just opened a can of Diet Mountain Dew. HA! Noy much of a soda drinker (or POP as they call it here) but I guess I need the caffeine, the carbonation and the uh, yellow 5. lol
Last night all three of us worked out at the house close till 11pm. We are so tired. Not to mention the fact that Patrick works at 6am on Fridays as well as closes at Sears, so he literally works a 15+ hour day. Oh! and I forgot to mention that Nadia 'ran away' last night. lol, yep- we walked outside to load up in the jeep, she had to pee, so I waite dpatiently with passenger door open and she turned, looke dat me and was off! I yelled her name, and she just ran faster. Well, our new neighborhood is scarcly dark at night. Minutes later Patrick found her ( he went searching by truck)..... lets just say - Nadia and Patrick are still NOT speaking.
I had only two things to chose from to wear this morning (because everything is packed and at the other house) so I decided on the black vs. the black, yellow and white dress. hehehe well , little did I know the sun would go into hiding today and that the weather would drop 20 degrees. I am freezing my tukas off! I have a mini space heater going at my feet - on high, and I have a fleece scarf around my neck. My boss thinks I am a real piece of work - as he takes off as many layers as possible - he is hot. Go figure.
I'm craving pumpkin pie, french fries, and Blue Diamond Smokehouse almonds. Hmmm, where I CAN GET SOME OF THOSE??
I've gotten excited about this wedding planning process, I've written exactly what I want on many sheets of paper- when the thought comes to me. Its quite humorous. A lady on the bus this morning sat down next to me and as I was drawing stick figures with names across their chests she gave me a questionable look. I just smiled. I wanted to say ' I'm planning my wedding party's entrance'! lol, like she would have really cared and really I think I enjoyed the fact that she was questioning my adult artistic ability.
ok, I'm going to try to get going on my work projects... the caffeine has hit a tiny bot and it's almost lunch time AND.... I only have 3.5 -4 hours left of my day!
for some reason my mind is SO not here at work. I've got a stack piled to each side of me and a 'to do' list that is only halfway checked off. Nothing too hard or overwhelming, and I know I could actually get all of it done by the time I leave (including the fact I am leaving early today) but I just cannot make myself get motivated. Obviously - I am on myspace. :) I also just opened a can of Diet Mountain Dew. HA! Noy much of a soda drinker (or POP as they call it here) but I guess I need the caffeine, the carbonation and the uh, yellow 5. lol
Last night all three of us worked out at the house close till 11pm. We are so tired. Not to mention the fact that Patrick works at 6am on Fridays as well as closes at Sears, so he literally works a 15+ hour day. Oh! and I forgot to mention that Nadia 'ran away' last night. lol, yep- we walked outside to load up in the jeep, she had to pee, so I waite dpatiently with passenger door open and she turned, looke dat me and was off! I yelled her name, and she just ran faster. Well, our new neighborhood is scarcly dark at night. Minutes later Patrick found her ( he went searching by truck)..... lets just say - Nadia and Patrick are still NOT speaking.
I had only two things to chose from to wear this morning (because everything is packed and at the other house) so I decided on the black vs. the black, yellow and white dress. hehehe well , little did I know the sun would go into hiding today and that the weather would drop 20 degrees. I am freezing my tukas off! I have a mini space heater going at my feet - on high, and I have a fleece scarf around my neck. My boss thinks I am a real piece of work - as he takes off as many layers as possible - he is hot. Go figure.
I'm craving pumpkin pie, french fries, and Blue Diamond Smokehouse almonds. Hmmm, where I CAN GET SOME OF THOSE??
I've gotten excited about this wedding planning process, I've written exactly what I want on many sheets of paper- when the thought comes to me. Its quite humorous. A lady on the bus this morning sat down next to me and as I was drawing stick figures with names across their chests she gave me a questionable look. I just smiled. I wanted to say ' I'm planning my wedding party's entrance'! lol, like she would have really cared and really I think I enjoyed the fact that she was questioning my adult artistic ability.
ok, I'm going to try to get going on my work projects... the caffeine has hit a tiny bot and it's almost lunch time AND.... I only have 3.5 -4 hours left of my day!
Friday, October 3, 2008
It's Noon
Current mood: distractable
It must be exactly 12pm, noon. The church bells down the street at the Church of Christ Cathedral are ringing - ding, ding, ding.
I'm at work, miserable. It could be there is so much to do at my apartment, at the new house. Walls to be painted, rooms to be decorated. Or it could be I just want to save up my energy for my daughter and Patrick, or it could be that work, for the past couple of months, has been absolutely tense and exhausting. The beauty of my job is the simple fact that its not hard, stressfree and i enjoyed it because it was constantly changing. Lately its been the entire opposite. I still love the people I work with, but I've seen some colors shine that I prefer know not exist. Everybody goes through trying times and their lives seem to close up and any ugliness that they may have does begin to take over, however- as soon as it happens, in my mind, you realize it, slap yourself, and snap out of it! Why does everyone else have to be miserable with you?!?
Apart of me also goes back to my 'plan'. I've always wanted to do so many other things and go to school etc. Of course there have always been excuses for why I havent done any of those , and at this point, I am now a home owner- woo hoo - which means " YOU MUST WORK!" lol.... so obviously 'not working' is no longer an option. I wonder what will happen when Ally starts school - real school. she'll start later and end earlier... so then what? I want to be home when my daughter gets home from school, I want to help her get ready in the mornings. This is very important to me.
I know several people that 'work from home' who always rant and rave how fabulous it is to be home, and though only a pinch jealous - I have no desire to sell products out of my home via parties, sales calls, website sales etc. well, unless its Partylite. LOL I see it work wonders for people, but I don't think I could ever be that self motivated. HELLO- i can never go to the gym, even if I am in the parking lot! Funny thing is... one of my strong points as a manager and as an employee is I was always so great at self motivation! ha!
I wish I would've finished school to get my teaching credentials... that would be ideal.
I wish I could make a career out of planning our life together.. the house, Ally's school, her dance and the wedding. So far, plans with the wedding have been very smooth. Its still a challenge. We are doing this all by ourselves. No financial or planning help from anyone. Lots of people do that I know... but I wonder if they have a house, a three year old, and 9 months to save for a 'nice' wedding'. If so - please share some advice and words of wisdom... It will happen, I'm really not worried about it- which is so not me! I usually will find something to worry about. ... there is still time....
off to get some food....
It must be exactly 12pm, noon. The church bells down the street at the Church of Christ Cathedral are ringing - ding, ding, ding.
I'm at work, miserable. It could be there is so much to do at my apartment, at the new house. Walls to be painted, rooms to be decorated. Or it could be I just want to save up my energy for my daughter and Patrick, or it could be that work, for the past couple of months, has been absolutely tense and exhausting. The beauty of my job is the simple fact that its not hard, stressfree and i enjoyed it because it was constantly changing. Lately its been the entire opposite. I still love the people I work with, but I've seen some colors shine that I prefer know not exist. Everybody goes through trying times and their lives seem to close up and any ugliness that they may have does begin to take over, however- as soon as it happens, in my mind, you realize it, slap yourself, and snap out of it! Why does everyone else have to be miserable with you?!?
Apart of me also goes back to my 'plan'. I've always wanted to do so many other things and go to school etc. Of course there have always been excuses for why I havent done any of those , and at this point, I am now a home owner- woo hoo - which means " YOU MUST WORK!" lol.... so obviously 'not working' is no longer an option. I wonder what will happen when Ally starts school - real school. she'll start later and end earlier... so then what? I want to be home when my daughter gets home from school, I want to help her get ready in the mornings. This is very important to me.
I know several people that 'work from home' who always rant and rave how fabulous it is to be home, and though only a pinch jealous - I have no desire to sell products out of my home via parties, sales calls, website sales etc. well, unless its Partylite. LOL I see it work wonders for people, but I don't think I could ever be that self motivated. HELLO- i can never go to the gym, even if I am in the parking lot! Funny thing is... one of my strong points as a manager and as an employee is I was always so great at self motivation! ha!
I wish I would've finished school to get my teaching credentials... that would be ideal.
I wish I could make a career out of planning our life together.. the house, Ally's school, her dance and the wedding. So far, plans with the wedding have been very smooth. Its still a challenge. We are doing this all by ourselves. No financial or planning help from anyone. Lots of people do that I know... but I wonder if they have a house, a three year old, and 9 months to save for a 'nice' wedding'. If so - please share some advice and words of wisdom... It will happen, I'm really not worried about it- which is so not me! I usually will find something to worry about. ... there is still time....
off to get some food....
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Update of Events ~
So fall begins... its amazing how this city transitions almost immediately. Once Labor Day is over- there is no sign of summer; the leaves begin to change colors and the weather turns from heat to gray breezes. Ally first day back after the holiday was chaotic. The parking lot was out of control and dancers from age 5-16 in leotards were lined up in almost every corner of the studio. As a side note- her school is part of a large dance studio/gymnastics center. It's definitely the perk. This is the year that Ally can finally participate in the dance/gymnastic activities in her school, so of course we had to buy her ballet shoes and dance clothes- SHE IS ESTACTIC! I'll post pictures as soon as I can.
Well, as a perk of paying a large sum for tuition for daycare/school and for my daughter to partake in Carol Leone dance, the owner offered for me to enroll in any dance class I wanted – free of charge. I had always to take dance there but never had the 'extra funds' to do so. Last night was my first class – Adult Ballet and Jazz. Let me tell you, this is the first time in a long time I have felt inexperienced as a dancer or just not graceful. Granite, I did dance, cheer, hula about 8-10 years ago, but that seems soo long ago. And it showed. My instructor was fantastic and she said I did great, which was nice, however I am no ballerina. In fact, the last time I had anything to do with ballet was when I was 5. So- it's been a while. I had a good time though and today I am sore in places I've never been sore in. (well, not in the last 8 years anyway) There are four other girls in my class, and they have all been pretty much professionally dancing since they were 2 or 3. But it's not like I'm trying out for the nutcracker or anything, so no pressure, just fun. Since the class is a little more advanced that I seem to be, I can't help but laugh at myself. This will be the perfect 'my time' though. It's every Monday for an hour. I'll keep you posted.
We also added a new member to our family last night. For the past several months I fell in AWW with a grey stray cat that roamed the apartment complex. She was too skittish to ever pet her but she was so pretty to look at. A lady down below us works for the Humane Society, fell in aww with her too and began to feed her, so she pretty much became her outside cat. Well, this pretty kitty ended up having kittens. She had four. Our neighbor said she was going to wait till the kittens were 6 weeks and she was going to take the momma to get spayed and take the kittens to the Humane Society. I have a big heart for animals and ever since living with Katie-Laine I now have a special place for kitties. So, I told Ms. Jane (our neighbor) that we would take one in. So- tomorrow Momma kitty is going to get spayed which means, she can no longer nurse and the kitties will then need to be taken care of. Patrick volunteered to help gather the kittens so that we could keep one and the others can go to the Humane Society, well, unknowing of the daunting task that it is- Patrick tried to catch a kitty; after scratches, cuts, blood and bites, Patrick caught one kitten. It was a grey one, just like his momma. We took him in and kept him in a safe place. He warmed up to me almost immediately and so we now have a new family member. We take him today to the vet to get all checked out and full of shots, so it will then be official. As for the others, we still hope to catch them to take them to a safe place before the rains really start coming in, so wish us luck!
Patrick and I have started new, and we are in a really great place together and are super excited about buying our home. Its almost here and I just can't believe it. We close the 30th……..
I've been praying a lot lately for events to continue to be a smooth as they are and I've been consistently praying for a check to show up in the mail to help us out financially, with closing costs, things we need desperately- a new bed for all of us, a new car seat, dishes, dishwasher, etc. and you will won't believe it, but… a check showed up in the mail yesterday. A prayer had been answered!! However, the check I have been praying for is a couple hundred dollars or more, maybe a couple thousand or so, and the check we actually received was $20.00. God really does have a sense of humor- doesn't he?!
Well, as a perk of paying a large sum for tuition for daycare/school and for my daughter to partake in Carol Leone dance, the owner offered for me to enroll in any dance class I wanted – free of charge. I had always to take dance there but never had the 'extra funds' to do so. Last night was my first class – Adult Ballet and Jazz. Let me tell you, this is the first time in a long time I have felt inexperienced as a dancer or just not graceful. Granite, I did dance, cheer, hula about 8-10 years ago, but that seems soo long ago. And it showed. My instructor was fantastic and she said I did great, which was nice, however I am no ballerina. In fact, the last time I had anything to do with ballet was when I was 5. So- it's been a while. I had a good time though and today I am sore in places I've never been sore in. (well, not in the last 8 years anyway) There are four other girls in my class, and they have all been pretty much professionally dancing since they were 2 or 3. But it's not like I'm trying out for the nutcracker or anything, so no pressure, just fun. Since the class is a little more advanced that I seem to be, I can't help but laugh at myself. This will be the perfect 'my time' though. It's every Monday for an hour. I'll keep you posted.
We also added a new member to our family last night. For the past several months I fell in AWW with a grey stray cat that roamed the apartment complex. She was too skittish to ever pet her but she was so pretty to look at. A lady down below us works for the Humane Society, fell in aww with her too and began to feed her, so she pretty much became her outside cat. Well, this pretty kitty ended up having kittens. She had four. Our neighbor said she was going to wait till the kittens were 6 weeks and she was going to take the momma to get spayed and take the kittens to the Humane Society. I have a big heart for animals and ever since living with Katie-Laine I now have a special place for kitties. So, I told Ms. Jane (our neighbor) that we would take one in. So- tomorrow Momma kitty is going to get spayed which means, she can no longer nurse and the kitties will then need to be taken care of. Patrick volunteered to help gather the kittens so that we could keep one and the others can go to the Humane Society, well, unknowing of the daunting task that it is- Patrick tried to catch a kitty; after scratches, cuts, blood and bites, Patrick caught one kitten. It was a grey one, just like his momma. We took him in and kept him in a safe place. He warmed up to me almost immediately and so we now have a new family member. We take him today to the vet to get all checked out and full of shots, so it will then be official. As for the others, we still hope to catch them to take them to a safe place before the rains really start coming in, so wish us luck!
Patrick and I have started new, and we are in a really great place together and are super excited about buying our home. Its almost here and I just can't believe it. We close the 30th……..
I've been praying a lot lately for events to continue to be a smooth as they are and I've been consistently praying for a check to show up in the mail to help us out financially, with closing costs, things we need desperately- a new bed for all of us, a new car seat, dishes, dishwasher, etc. and you will won't believe it, but… a check showed up in the mail yesterday. A prayer had been answered!! However, the check I have been praying for is a couple hundred dollars or more, maybe a couple thousand or so, and the check we actually received was $20.00. God really does have a sense of humor- doesn't he?!
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Ally Claire
Current mood: contemplative
My daughter is amazing! I seriously believe my daughter is the greatest little girl ever! (but who doesn't feel that way about their child) My daughter reminds me frequently about the important things in life - the main factor- just being happy. She is tickled pink about her birthday being next weekend, I mean ESTATIC . i picked her up from school yesterday and she was bouncing up and down saying it was her birthday, she got a birthday crown, cake, cookies, it's her birthday... etc...I smiled so big just seeing how super excited she was. Her birthday is the 30th of this month, but her school does one big birthday party in the middle of the month for those who have a birthday in that month and they recognize them with a birthday hat or crown. Since my daughter is obsessed with being a princess, her pink and purple glitter crown they made her yesterday was PERFECT! I asked her what she wanted for her birthday - she told me 'pink presents with butterflies' hehehhee last week she was still stuck on getting a bike. She said to me 'Mommy, you want to buy me a bike for my birthday present?' .....................of course I do, and we will. So- yeah she is getting a bike!
Unfortunately AGAIN - we cannot afford to have a birthday party for her.. I had the cutest idea in my head, may be next year. So- we'll celebrate twice, once while my sister is here (this is her last weekend) and once when my brother comes to visit - (the following weekend)... I am thinking a crown and cake and pink presents will make her day!
My daughter prays to GOD... yes, her sweet little voice thanks God everyday for all the blessings she has been given. The first time she asked to pray with me made me just cry... I teared up telling Patrick and my sister about it. There is something amazing about a child wanting to thank God for family, pets, friends, and the food she ate. The first time I heard her pray was amazing... she usually would ask me or her daddy to pray but this time she wnated to say the good night prayer. She thanked God for the pretty day, for her mommy, daddy, aunt katie, baby erik, nadia , piper puma for her noodles and salad... if we all could just appreciate we have family, friends and food to eat! So, the past two nights we sit down at the table for dinner and she says, 'We have to say a prayer!' and to see her get excited and bow her head.... I thank God for my little angel.
I HATE POTTY TRAINING! I think this is the worst. We have been working on this for way over a year, almost 2 years actually... We werent as 'serious' 2 years ago when she was little, but I wanted to introduce it early, but apreantly that really does not make a difference. I KNOW she will not go until she is ready but my goodness. She IS ready. She will tell us she needs to potty and she will go, and its great, and there are other times where she just goes on her own and comes to show us her poo or pee- which is even better! then there are times where she either will have multiple accidents (she LOVES to wear big girl panties) or she'll be so distracted she'll soak her pull up. NOTHING grosses me out more than the smell of ----- yuck! We are constantly telling her to go potty or asking her if she feels like she need sto go, etc... it's just a lot tougher than I ever expected. It totally stresses me out!
My daughter is amazing! I seriously believe my daughter is the greatest little girl ever! (but who doesn't feel that way about their child) My daughter reminds me frequently about the important things in life - the main factor- just being happy. She is tickled pink about her birthday being next weekend, I mean ESTATIC . i picked her up from school yesterday and she was bouncing up and down saying it was her birthday, she got a birthday crown, cake, cookies, it's her birthday... etc...I smiled so big just seeing how super excited she was. Her birthday is the 30th of this month, but her school does one big birthday party in the middle of the month for those who have a birthday in that month and they recognize them with a birthday hat or crown. Since my daughter is obsessed with being a princess, her pink and purple glitter crown they made her yesterday was PERFECT! I asked her what she wanted for her birthday - she told me 'pink presents with butterflies' hehehhee last week she was still stuck on getting a bike. She said to me 'Mommy, you want to buy me a bike for my birthday present?' .....................of course I do, and we will. So- yeah she is getting a bike!
Unfortunately AGAIN - we cannot afford to have a birthday party for her.. I had the cutest idea in my head, may be next year. So- we'll celebrate twice, once while my sister is here (this is her last weekend) and once when my brother comes to visit - (the following weekend)... I am thinking a crown and cake and pink presents will make her day!
My daughter prays to GOD... yes, her sweet little voice thanks God everyday for all the blessings she has been given. The first time she asked to pray with me made me just cry... I teared up telling Patrick and my sister about it. There is something amazing about a child wanting to thank God for family, pets, friends, and the food she ate. The first time I heard her pray was amazing... she usually would ask me or her daddy to pray but this time she wnated to say the good night prayer. She thanked God for the pretty day, for her mommy, daddy, aunt katie, baby erik, nadia , piper puma for her noodles and salad... if we all could just appreciate we have family, friends and food to eat! So, the past two nights we sit down at the table for dinner and she says, 'We have to say a prayer!' and to see her get excited and bow her head.... I thank God for my little angel.
I HATE POTTY TRAINING! I think this is the worst. We have been working on this for way over a year, almost 2 years actually... We werent as 'serious' 2 years ago when she was little, but I wanted to introduce it early, but apreantly that really does not make a difference. I KNOW she will not go until she is ready but my goodness. She IS ready. She will tell us she needs to potty and she will go, and its great, and there are other times where she just goes on her own and comes to show us her poo or pee- which is even better! then there are times where she either will have multiple accidents (she LOVES to wear big girl panties) or she'll be so distracted she'll soak her pull up. NOTHING grosses me out more than the smell of ----- yuck! We are constantly telling her to go potty or asking her if she feels like she need sto go, etc... it's just a lot tougher than I ever expected. It totally stresses me out!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Letter to Michael. Letting it go Part 1
Current mood: contemplative
*******Disclaimer*******
This is me letting go of some thoughts, feelings,resentment and carried over hurt, if for some reason you don't think you will be able to read this without throwing it in to my face or using it to hurt me then do not read any further. Thank you!
__________________________________________________________
Dearest Michael,
heh - or My Michael as I used to call you. I am so sorry for not being honest in what I was feeling which caused me to hurt you. It's important for you to know~ I did not cheat on you or do any of the things you thought I did. I lied about them. Obviously, not realizing how much it would hurt both of us. Why is not important anymore except for the fact of being young and stupid enough to 'test' someone's love for them- Which is what I did. I eventually learned I got the answer I wanted, but didn't realize it because of the mistake I made of not being honest with you. Why did I let you believe that I did anything wrong? WHO does that? ....I did. I left for me, it had nothing to do with you. I was scared in the direction I thought my life was going. After what happened in May of 1999, the way your mom despised my existence, my lack of family support, the drug abuse of my mother, the lack of love for myself - I needed to grow. Unfortunately, that meant leaving my past (ours included) behind. However, I've never been able to let go because you never knew the truth. You and your family believed a lie I never denied. I didn't get a chance to apologize or to tell you how much I truly with all of my heart loved you. It made me happy to hear through the grapevine you have been living out your dream, doing all you wanted to do and now you are getting married. All that I am expressing to you is only something of your past- you obviously moved forward and haven't lost any sleep... but for me to let go of you - I had to let this all go. You will never actually receive this ( i believe you said it best when you said 'please don't ever contact me again') but maybe you will in some other form. I have always loved you Michael. And for the rest of my life I will always be grateful for your heart that you had once given me and you will still always have a piece of mine. Just know that it was because of you I was able to truly be myself. You let me to believe I was loveable and though 'lost'; a good person. And because of your faith in me I was able to move forward in my life and be open to so many new things. After moving to Nashville, I wanted so bad to tell you all about it and hoped that you'd be proud of some of the accomplishments I had made. And I remember your last verbal words to me..."I hope you find what it is you are searching for". Well, since I am being honest here - I was searching for my 'place'. My place in where I fit into all of it. I was totally lost and NO i don't think I am found, settled by any means, but I had found my place in life within myself, and was able to grow into my own person, instead of remaining that sad broken person. But~ I miss you Michael. I miss you all the days in my life. I wish you so many wonderful things in your current and in your future. I hope that when I run into you one day you can smile at me and say hello.
Forever and a day,
Stephanie
P.s. I loved your mom too... I know you didn't think so, I was just so hurt by the way she treated me... but I realized it wasn't necessarily about me- it was her having a hard time letting you go and being protective. I don't blame her at all. In fact, I used to pray for her in hopes she'd forgive what happened and not continue to hold ill feelings towards me.
*******Disclaimer*******
This is me letting go of some thoughts, feelings,resentment and carried over hurt, if for some reason you don't think you will be able to read this without throwing it in to my face or using it to hurt me then do not read any further. Thank you!
__________________________________________________________
Dearest Michael,
heh - or My Michael as I used to call you. I am so sorry for not being honest in what I was feeling which caused me to hurt you. It's important for you to know~ I did not cheat on you or do any of the things you thought I did. I lied about them. Obviously, not realizing how much it would hurt both of us. Why is not important anymore except for the fact of being young and stupid enough to 'test' someone's love for them- Which is what I did. I eventually learned I got the answer I wanted, but didn't realize it because of the mistake I made of not being honest with you. Why did I let you believe that I did anything wrong? WHO does that? ....I did. I left for me, it had nothing to do with you. I was scared in the direction I thought my life was going. After what happened in May of 1999, the way your mom despised my existence, my lack of family support, the drug abuse of my mother, the lack of love for myself - I needed to grow. Unfortunately, that meant leaving my past (ours included) behind. However, I've never been able to let go because you never knew the truth. You and your family believed a lie I never denied. I didn't get a chance to apologize or to tell you how much I truly with all of my heart loved you. It made me happy to hear through the grapevine you have been living out your dream, doing all you wanted to do and now you are getting married. All that I am expressing to you is only something of your past- you obviously moved forward and haven't lost any sleep... but for me to let go of you - I had to let this all go. You will never actually receive this ( i believe you said it best when you said 'please don't ever contact me again') but maybe you will in some other form. I have always loved you Michael. And for the rest of my life I will always be grateful for your heart that you had once given me and you will still always have a piece of mine. Just know that it was because of you I was able to truly be myself. You let me to believe I was loveable and though 'lost'; a good person. And because of your faith in me I was able to move forward in my life and be open to so many new things. After moving to Nashville, I wanted so bad to tell you all about it and hoped that you'd be proud of some of the accomplishments I had made. And I remember your last verbal words to me..."I hope you find what it is you are searching for". Well, since I am being honest here - I was searching for my 'place'. My place in where I fit into all of it. I was totally lost and NO i don't think I am found, settled by any means, but I had found my place in life within myself, and was able to grow into my own person, instead of remaining that sad broken person. But~ I miss you Michael. I miss you all the days in my life. I wish you so many wonderful things in your current and in your future. I hope that when I run into you one day you can smile at me and say hello.
Forever and a day,
Stephanie
P.s. I loved your mom too... I know you didn't think so, I was just so hurt by the way she treated me... but I realized it wasn't necessarily about me- it was her having a hard time letting you go and being protective. I don't blame her at all. In fact, I used to pray for her in hopes she'd forgive what happened and not continue to hold ill feelings towards me.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Letting it go
Current mood: quixotic
It's time for me to let shit go, each balloon represents an emotion. Today, this week, this month I have decided I will focus on resentment and anger. No particular event, just many that have gathered together in my heart and soul to throw their pitty party. PARTY IS OVER folks! Get the hell out!
It's time for me to let shit go, each balloon represents an emotion. Today, this week, this month I have decided I will focus on resentment and anger. No particular event, just many that have gathered together in my heart and soul to throw their pitty party. PARTY IS OVER folks! Get the hell out!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Rules for Friendships?
Current mood: stressed
Really?
I find myself wondering ~ when or where there is a friendship rule book?! Isn’t the beauty of true friendships the acceptance of someone no matter the Idiosyncrasies?! Granted ~ there is a certain level of respect that should be given and received, however, I believe this is where making friendship rules do not apply. Everyone can raise their hands and say ’yeah I have a flaky friend, or the one that talks only of themselves, the selfish friend, the overly depressed one, the crazed, the ditzy, the one who is too busy for anything etc.’ In fact - I have a few friends with the above mentioned traits as I myself carry some of these from time to time. Currently, right now- TOTAL memory lapse, seriously- I have been forgetting things almost instantly. (At work it’s terrible, but that is besides the point- I blame the medication) Also, I find myself being the overly busy/depressed- hence the meds. LOL Anyhow, I get irritated with myself constantly because I am trying SO hard to make time for my friends, family, work, and my little family here in PA, especially my active toddler. I am learning that I am terrible at spreading myself out so thin and this is causing not only me but my friends to be frustrated with me. I am very sorry.
Even my bestest friends - because they are equally as busy we never talk on the phone, I truly miss them. There is constant phone tag. We have to plan to make phone dates. This works well- when both parties can have the time, which sometimes is not the case. Email and myspace have worked great, since I can access myspace and email from work. Although, there are weeks like last week- I still have yet to respond to my mom via email and/or talk with Chelsea- I am in her wedding for cryin’ out loud! And I post this blog to release so I can get back to my load of work.
Anyway – my confusion took place as soon as I was told that there were rules to friendship. Friends should understand. I do understand having an expectation, but be mindful that you are not the only one demanding the attention and efforts too. Just because I am overwhelmed in life doesn’t mean I don’t care about you and just because I can’t drop my work or what I am doing at that moment, doesn’t mean what you have to say is not important. I always call back- maybe not right away, but I do, especially if it is important.
My heart hurts knowing I cannot be the friend you expect me to be. Please keep in mind, I am also trying to be the mom, the girlfriend, the daughter, the sister, the cousin, the aunt, the employee, the co-worker, the grandaughter, the bridesmaid, the supporter, myself and most of all a friend..
Really?
I find myself wondering ~ when or where there is a friendship rule book?! Isn’t the beauty of true friendships the acceptance of someone no matter the Idiosyncrasies?! Granted ~ there is a certain level of respect that should be given and received, however, I believe this is where making friendship rules do not apply. Everyone can raise their hands and say ’yeah I have a flaky friend, or the one that talks only of themselves, the selfish friend, the overly depressed one, the crazed, the ditzy, the one who is too busy for anything etc.’ In fact - I have a few friends with the above mentioned traits as I myself carry some of these from time to time. Currently, right now- TOTAL memory lapse, seriously- I have been forgetting things almost instantly. (At work it’s terrible, but that is besides the point- I blame the medication) Also, I find myself being the overly busy/depressed- hence the meds. LOL Anyhow, I get irritated with myself constantly because I am trying SO hard to make time for my friends, family, work, and my little family here in PA, especially my active toddler. I am learning that I am terrible at spreading myself out so thin and this is causing not only me but my friends to be frustrated with me. I am very sorry.
Even my bestest friends - because they are equally as busy we never talk on the phone, I truly miss them. There is constant phone tag. We have to plan to make phone dates. This works well- when both parties can have the time, which sometimes is not the case. Email and myspace have worked great, since I can access myspace and email from work. Although, there are weeks like last week- I still have yet to respond to my mom via email and/or talk with Chelsea- I am in her wedding for cryin’ out loud! And I post this blog to release so I can get back to my load of work.
Anyway – my confusion took place as soon as I was told that there were rules to friendship. Friends should understand. I do understand having an expectation, but be mindful that you are not the only one demanding the attention and efforts too. Just because I am overwhelmed in life doesn’t mean I don’t care about you and just because I can’t drop my work or what I am doing at that moment, doesn’t mean what you have to say is not important. I always call back- maybe not right away, but I do, especially if it is important.
My heart hurts knowing I cannot be the friend you expect me to be. Please keep in mind, I am also trying to be the mom, the girlfriend, the daughter, the sister, the cousin, the aunt, the employee, the co-worker, the grandaughter, the bridesmaid, the supporter, myself and most of all a friend..
Monday, March 24, 2008
Smiles of Appreciation
Current mood: blessed
Yesterday was such a ridiculously gorgeous day... yeah ok... so I clearly have been on the east coast too long- because though the sun was out yesterday it still was a high of 40 degrees. However, my spirit felt comforted and my heart felt full. It was a great Easter Sunday. I do have to mention, I was sad we were not able to be with our families or friends, but the three of us had each other- our little family.
Our family is so special though... we are very close knit and i think that will very positive for Ally in her future.
Anyway- Patrick has been visiting a church (Hilltop Baptist Church) that he was referred to by a co-worker- which I truly believe was one of his answered prayers because the timing was impeccable.
He felt at home almost immediately. So after several weeks of inviting me to go with him- we all went together for a special Good Friday service. I left that place in a whole new light. Not ’oh my goodness, my life is now changed’, but my spirit felt comforted and I felt so happy to have everything I have in my life. I looked at Patrick and looked at Ally, and thought to myself. My life is incredible. I am so extremely blessed in so many ways- why have I had such a tough time seeing it? Of course, I have always put Ally on her pedistol, but somethings I just let pass me by. Yesterday I was talking to someone very special in my life, Lorianne, and as I was telling her how much we all wanted to move home, (we truly do) I said without any thought... ’Pittsburgh is great though- we love our jobs, Ally loves her school, things are really good’ and they truly are. Just recently we were able to relieve ourselves of some lingering debt and now a huge stress has been lifted off of our shoulders. The relief helps to appreciate things as well. And I do have to give my medication a lot of credit too. hehehe, I laugh, but seriously... my medication ( or my happy pills as my family calls it) truly has taken a load of tension off, and it’s almost as if the fog is clear and the path is lined with beautiful flowers (gerber daisies of course!)... now- everything is not perfect- as some people think medication may be... OH NO! I am just saying that- the medication is kicking in and many prayers are being answered. On that note- please don’t forget to say thank you when you pray. To appreciate all the wonderful things you do have in your life; is detrimental.
As a side note... if you can include in your prayers please.... pray for my little cousin Jonathan who just survived a painful 5.5 hour surgery and for The Elliston Family- who I admire for their ongoing strength as a family. And please also include my aunt Anita and my cousin Alex for the new challenges that may soon to come.
Yesterday was such a ridiculously gorgeous day... yeah ok... so I clearly have been on the east coast too long- because though the sun was out yesterday it still was a high of 40 degrees. However, my spirit felt comforted and my heart felt full. It was a great Easter Sunday. I do have to mention, I was sad we were not able to be with our families or friends, but the three of us had each other- our little family.
Our family is so special though... we are very close knit and i think that will very positive for Ally in her future.
Anyway- Patrick has been visiting a church (Hilltop Baptist Church) that he was referred to by a co-worker- which I truly believe was one of his answered prayers because the timing was impeccable.
He felt at home almost immediately. So after several weeks of inviting me to go with him- we all went together for a special Good Friday service. I left that place in a whole new light. Not ’oh my goodness, my life is now changed’, but my spirit felt comforted and I felt so happy to have everything I have in my life. I looked at Patrick and looked at Ally, and thought to myself. My life is incredible. I am so extremely blessed in so many ways- why have I had such a tough time seeing it? Of course, I have always put Ally on her pedistol, but somethings I just let pass me by. Yesterday I was talking to someone very special in my life, Lorianne, and as I was telling her how much we all wanted to move home, (we truly do) I said without any thought... ’Pittsburgh is great though- we love our jobs, Ally loves her school, things are really good’ and they truly are. Just recently we were able to relieve ourselves of some lingering debt and now a huge stress has been lifted off of our shoulders. The relief helps to appreciate things as well. And I do have to give my medication a lot of credit too. hehehe, I laugh, but seriously... my medication ( or my happy pills as my family calls it) truly has taken a load of tension off, and it’s almost as if the fog is clear and the path is lined with beautiful flowers (gerber daisies of course!)... now- everything is not perfect- as some people think medication may be... OH NO! I am just saying that- the medication is kicking in and many prayers are being answered. On that note- please don’t forget to say thank you when you pray. To appreciate all the wonderful things you do have in your life; is detrimental.
As a side note... if you can include in your prayers please.... pray for my little cousin Jonathan who just survived a painful 5.5 hour surgery and for The Elliston Family- who I admire for their ongoing strength as a family. And please also include my aunt Anita and my cousin Alex for the new challenges that may soon to come.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Consente di attraversare
Current mood: imaginative
'Let's Cross Over'... I have finally finished the book 'Eat, Pray, Love' recommended by more than a few of my friends, but strongly suggested by Katielaine. And so - THANK YOU!
For those of you who have not read this book ~ you are missing out on an entirely different outlook that could possibly change your life in one way or another. I believe that no matter what challange we all are currently going through, that there is some personal insight within this book. You can relate to Liz (the writer) the way you can relate to your best friend. There is that unspoken understanding and appreciation for her struggles and her humor. You find yourself living within her expierences and just as she had- learning how to make peace with yourself, and appreciating every single person that she had come into contact with.
Of course, there is that part of us as a reader you immediately want to do as she did- take a year off to travel to the most incredible places, but because we all aren't writers (thought we'd like to be) and have a chunk of money to spare - the exact expierence may not be in the works, however, I do feel like we all should be able to, if we want, to go on our own journey even if it's still in our own town. Every person you come into contact with has some purpose in your life as well as you in theirs, even if it was just for 5 minutes, or maybe for three months or even if they become a permanent friend... be open to those ~ you never know who may enter your life at the right moment and help change you in a way you never thought possible. or.... maybe a book you read or a song you hear ~ be open. Open your heart to the possibility of something new.
'Let's Cross Over'... I have finally finished the book 'Eat, Pray, Love' recommended by more than a few of my friends, but strongly suggested by Katielaine. And so - THANK YOU!
For those of you who have not read this book ~ you are missing out on an entirely different outlook that could possibly change your life in one way or another. I believe that no matter what challange we all are currently going through, that there is some personal insight within this book. You can relate to Liz (the writer) the way you can relate to your best friend. There is that unspoken understanding and appreciation for her struggles and her humor. You find yourself living within her expierences and just as she had- learning how to make peace with yourself, and appreciating every single person that she had come into contact with.
Of course, there is that part of us as a reader you immediately want to do as she did- take a year off to travel to the most incredible places, but because we all aren't writers (thought we'd like to be) and have a chunk of money to spare - the exact expierence may not be in the works, however, I do feel like we all should be able to, if we want, to go on our own journey even if it's still in our own town. Every person you come into contact with has some purpose in your life as well as you in theirs, even if it was just for 5 minutes, or maybe for three months or even if they become a permanent friend... be open to those ~ you never know who may enter your life at the right moment and help change you in a way you never thought possible. or.... maybe a book you read or a song you hear ~ be open. Open your heart to the possibility of something new.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Beginning of an End
Current mood: exhausted
The beginning of an end always seems to be more difficult than the 'end of the beginning' Events in life seem to happen in phases, sections, or chapters. We all know that at one point the phase, section or chapter must end to move on to another one. Usually positive, there are those times when the negative twists it all around and creates a 'sub' phase; if you will. When you begin a new relationship- all is exciting, butterflies, dates, dinners (if you are lucky!)(I will explain later) etc. Then the 'new' phase ends and another great one starts- the intimate life discussions, the doings with friends, family events, vacations, so on and so forth… same with life, friendships, family, school, jobs- you name it. So, here I am in the beginning of the end of my 'relationship' though it seems to have been at the end point for so long, I guess the process that needed to happen- didn't begin until now. I wonder why things happen when they do and how we lack control of how we feel and how life just 'happens'. When you begin something new, the great thing about it being 'new' is that you have no idea what it will bring all you can be sure of is how you feel at that moment. Most times, I guess in my experience, we try to control our feelings to make things happen a certain way. Sometimes, you just have to let go in order for things to happen. Once I did this- let go of my need for control- the ugly truth reared its ugly head. However, I welcomed her. She needed to be seen, be heard and be noticed.
When you care about someone you don't want them to hurt or feel alone, so, when did I stop caring about myself. I had abandoned myself for what I thought was going to be worth the fight. I can't dwell on the past- however- the past, especially in this situation molds us for whom we are in and out of our relationships.
It breaks away at the numbness and begins to burn to know that I am the reason for someone's hurt. Then there is the other part of me that can't understand why it took 5 years to begin feeling this way when I gave everything of myself and it was trampled on as if it was worth nothing. There was always something or someone better… and I know I can't take all the fault for that, but why wasn't I ever worth it? Why wasn't I worth it to myself? I allowed my self to be disrespected, treated unloving and I STILL gave it what I could. What was left of me…? And now – I have nothing to give – my fire is almost out.
Of course, not all was negative. I loved this person with everything I had and we created someone together so wonderful- we both never knew that it was possible to love that much, until Ally came along. She is worth the tears, the effort and the heart ache. And I do believe everything happens for a reason, I can't have any regrets.
So, we both know it's now at the official end. There have been many opportunities for us to end it, and honestly, we should have, but again- all things happen for a reason. In the beginning of this phase is the hardest because you doubt every feeling you have, every thought you my have and you transform in survival mode. And before you get there, your heart breaks a little more each day. Today, I can honestly say, my heart can no longer be broken by him, the damage was already done; too many times. My heart had already begun the healing process a long while ago and I do believe that is why I am certain this is what needs to happen. My heart will no longer feel any of those feelings felt before and my heart will not allow him in or to hurt me ever again. I have to believe that there is a person that makes your heart smile – and you should settle for nothing less. And now it is time to take my own advice - For me, my well being, my heart and most of all for my daughter. How am I supposed to teach her to follow her heart, her dreams and to believe in herself, if I can't lead by example?
It's just so heavy of an emotion to drag out this phase, and again… the beginning is always the most difficult.
I am just so lucky to be blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and I am very thankful for those who truly love me to believe I am doing the right thing. I have been given the advice of "stay if it works" and I struggled with that. I still do. Am I really supposed to be unhappy for the rest of my life and barely 'live' just because it 'works'?? I already feel like I have been doing that...
The beginning of an end always seems to be more difficult than the 'end of the beginning' Events in life seem to happen in phases, sections, or chapters. We all know that at one point the phase, section or chapter must end to move on to another one. Usually positive, there are those times when the negative twists it all around and creates a 'sub' phase; if you will. When you begin a new relationship- all is exciting, butterflies, dates, dinners (if you are lucky!)(I will explain later) etc. Then the 'new' phase ends and another great one starts- the intimate life discussions, the doings with friends, family events, vacations, so on and so forth… same with life, friendships, family, school, jobs- you name it. So, here I am in the beginning of the end of my 'relationship' though it seems to have been at the end point for so long, I guess the process that needed to happen- didn't begin until now. I wonder why things happen when they do and how we lack control of how we feel and how life just 'happens'. When you begin something new, the great thing about it being 'new' is that you have no idea what it will bring all you can be sure of is how you feel at that moment. Most times, I guess in my experience, we try to control our feelings to make things happen a certain way. Sometimes, you just have to let go in order for things to happen. Once I did this- let go of my need for control- the ugly truth reared its ugly head. However, I welcomed her. She needed to be seen, be heard and be noticed.
When you care about someone you don't want them to hurt or feel alone, so, when did I stop caring about myself. I had abandoned myself for what I thought was going to be worth the fight. I can't dwell on the past- however- the past, especially in this situation molds us for whom we are in and out of our relationships.
It breaks away at the numbness and begins to burn to know that I am the reason for someone's hurt. Then there is the other part of me that can't understand why it took 5 years to begin feeling this way when I gave everything of myself and it was trampled on as if it was worth nothing. There was always something or someone better… and I know I can't take all the fault for that, but why wasn't I ever worth it? Why wasn't I worth it to myself? I allowed my self to be disrespected, treated unloving and I STILL gave it what I could. What was left of me…? And now – I have nothing to give – my fire is almost out.
Of course, not all was negative. I loved this person with everything I had and we created someone together so wonderful- we both never knew that it was possible to love that much, until Ally came along. She is worth the tears, the effort and the heart ache. And I do believe everything happens for a reason, I can't have any regrets.
So, we both know it's now at the official end. There have been many opportunities for us to end it, and honestly, we should have, but again- all things happen for a reason. In the beginning of this phase is the hardest because you doubt every feeling you have, every thought you my have and you transform in survival mode. And before you get there, your heart breaks a little more each day. Today, I can honestly say, my heart can no longer be broken by him, the damage was already done; too many times. My heart had already begun the healing process a long while ago and I do believe that is why I am certain this is what needs to happen. My heart will no longer feel any of those feelings felt before and my heart will not allow him in or to hurt me ever again. I have to believe that there is a person that makes your heart smile – and you should settle for nothing less. And now it is time to take my own advice - For me, my well being, my heart and most of all for my daughter. How am I supposed to teach her to follow her heart, her dreams and to believe in herself, if I can't lead by example?
It's just so heavy of an emotion to drag out this phase, and again… the beginning is always the most difficult.
I am just so lucky to be blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and I am very thankful for those who truly love me to believe I am doing the right thing. I have been given the advice of "stay if it works" and I struggled with that. I still do. Am I really supposed to be unhappy for the rest of my life and barely 'live' just because it 'works'?? I already feel like I have been doing that...
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Going into 2009
Current mood: contemplative
I may be a little bit late on the resolution band wagon, but i was so unsure of what I truly wanted to change or work on this year- and stick with it. In most cases, people make resolutions and break them as quick as March because they are treated like Diet - the temporary fix. I have a bad habit of this... On that note, that could be my resolution too, hmm, I may secretly add that to my mental list. .... 'noted'....
There are three main focuses I want to better in 2009.
1. Family - I want to start a journal of all the wonderful amazing moments that we share with Ally. Each night and each morning, I wish i would find the time to Blog about all the funny things she says or the amazing way she makes me feel, and how tremendously blessed we are to have received her from God.
2. Health - Yeah on an honest level, I NEED and truly want to lose weight, but I decided that I'm tired of figuring out what "diet" will work or what I will 'give up' to lose weight. I'm giving up all of those feelings and am going to focus on just being healthy. I've started off by finally after years of saying I would; made an appt with my doctor to get my thyroid checked among other things. Those of you who know me - this is a big deal. The fact that blood has to be drawn was the only reason I have refused to go see a doctor. I have Patrick to make sure I go... I don't eat terribly, but I am also in spurts. I answer my cravings for the most part but not with enough discipline. If I crave corn nuts, instead of enjoying a handful, I'm going to enjoy the entire bag, even when I know I've had enough. In the summer of 2007 when I became a vegetarian, I felt incredible. I ate vegetables and fruits, organic pastas and nothing that was made with any sort of animal product. I lost weight, felt healthier and was really excited about it, but it was so expensive and trying to feed my family and myself because such a challenge, so after a year (maybe less than), I gave up on myself. So- here goes... day by day, meal by meal. And - I need to find something I love to stay active. Anyone in the Pittsburgh want to watch Ally on Monday nights for free so I can take dance again???
3. Spirit - I expect my relationship with God to grow and I want him to use me to live out his will. I want my relationship with Patrick to grow together to begin our marriage in the way a marriage should be... full of love, blessings and the desire to grow closer together as a couple, as a family and to God. I want to give more of myself and make more selfless sacrifices for my family and not have the selfish attitude that overrides those actions. Most of all, I want to be the mother my daughter looks up to and the person my husband falls in love with a little bit more everyday.
I've learned from 2008 that life WILL in fact surprise you, if you pray, you WILL get answers, that people take relationship and special friendships for granted. Time is the most important thing you can give - give it to your family, but don't forget about your friends... they deserve your time too.
I may be a little bit late on the resolution band wagon, but i was so unsure of what I truly wanted to change or work on this year- and stick with it. In most cases, people make resolutions and break them as quick as March because they are treated like Diet - the temporary fix. I have a bad habit of this... On that note, that could be my resolution too, hmm, I may secretly add that to my mental list. .... 'noted'....
There are three main focuses I want to better in 2009.
1. Family - I want to start a journal of all the wonderful amazing moments that we share with Ally. Each night and each morning, I wish i would find the time to Blog about all the funny things she says or the amazing way she makes me feel, and how tremendously blessed we are to have received her from God.
2. Health - Yeah on an honest level, I NEED and truly want to lose weight, but I decided that I'm tired of figuring out what "diet" will work or what I will 'give up' to lose weight. I'm giving up all of those feelings and am going to focus on just being healthy. I've started off by finally after years of saying I would; made an appt with my doctor to get my thyroid checked among other things. Those of you who know me - this is a big deal. The fact that blood has to be drawn was the only reason I have refused to go see a doctor. I have Patrick to make sure I go... I don't eat terribly, but I am also in spurts. I answer my cravings for the most part but not with enough discipline. If I crave corn nuts, instead of enjoying a handful, I'm going to enjoy the entire bag, even when I know I've had enough. In the summer of 2007 when I became a vegetarian, I felt incredible. I ate vegetables and fruits, organic pastas and nothing that was made with any sort of animal product. I lost weight, felt healthier and was really excited about it, but it was so expensive and trying to feed my family and myself because such a challenge, so after a year (maybe less than), I gave up on myself. So- here goes... day by day, meal by meal. And - I need to find something I love to stay active. Anyone in the Pittsburgh want to watch Ally on Monday nights for free so I can take dance again???
3. Spirit - I expect my relationship with God to grow and I want him to use me to live out his will. I want my relationship with Patrick to grow together to begin our marriage in the way a marriage should be... full of love, blessings and the desire to grow closer together as a couple, as a family and to God. I want to give more of myself and make more selfless sacrifices for my family and not have the selfish attitude that overrides those actions. Most of all, I want to be the mother my daughter looks up to and the person my husband falls in love with a little bit more everyday.
I've learned from 2008 that life WILL in fact surprise you, if you pray, you WILL get answers, that people take relationship and special friendships for granted. Time is the most important thing you can give - give it to your family, but don't forget about your friends... they deserve your time too.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A Gentle Reflection
Current mood: contemplative
Looking back on the year of 2007… it's amazing how much happens and doesn't happen in a year. A year ago today- I was living in PA but at a different address, with different neighbors and even driving a different vehicle. Aww, the Nissan, may she rest in peace.
Last year was the year Patrick and I called off the wedding. Though we told people we postponed it; I still do not see a wedding for Patrick and me at all in the future. It was a tough time and our feelings of desperation took completely over; desperate to love, desperate to make it work and desperate to receive a sign of what to do, or even desperate to make a decision- on anything. I think I have received so many signs that I spend most of time convincing myself to see past the obvious and try to still try and make it work. It is true- that after a while when you deny yourself of your true feelings- you do become numb. Your heart can no longer feel anything because you blocked it from its truly original feelings. I still question- what classifies as the 'right thing to do'? The decision to deny your heart but settle in the life that was given to you and try to make the best of it, or do you follow your heart's desire even if it hurts, with the uncertainty of the chance things may be screwed up for a while?
There was a point in time where I was certain of my feelings and that my decision was the right one- and my love was pure and heartfelt. I guess there just is that moment when you realize you cannot trust them; you no longer have anything else to give. Forgiveness is more than just a difficult task- it's close to impossible when your heart has been broken and let down over and over again. However, I found it easier to forgive the act of betrayal, but what I cannot let go of; the rejection of my heart and the betrayal of my trust. Sometimes- it is just too late. There has to be a time when you say 'enough is enough'. Although, our lives are completely past the point of where they were… my heart cannot go backwards. As I try to move forward- I begin to drift away. I hate it when he says I haven't tried… I have been trying for the past 3 years to work though it as a family and by myself and we have even tried as a couple.
I have learned that though you can love someone and have a life with them; it will not work unless you give your love whole heartedly.
I have my heart sealed under safe protection as of yet and as far as I see it- there is someone who is deserving of it- somewhere out there. I just don't know yet.
Alexandria has grown tremendously this past year- I watched a short video slip from Easter, when my mom came to visit, and I teared up- Ally was still somewhat bald, barely talking, and still just a baby. I look at her now; she's such a big girl, so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so grown. She likes to dress herself, brush her own teeth, she talks constantly, and she is very independent and her imagination and creativity just amazes me. I think of how blessed I truly am ~ to be the mommy of such a wonderful child. I do want more children in my future; I just hope life works out that way.
I am extremely thankful for the friends who have stayed in my life. My best girlfriends are still very much my best girlfriends and I have even been lucky enough this year to get back in touch with those who were great friends of my past. Kelly Norris is a great example~ it's like we picked up right where we left off and she has been the words of wisdom, the insight for direction and all together a wonderful friend.
I miss Katielaine, Dianna, Nancy, Adam and Chelsea an awful lot, but thankfully we make it work by staying in touch as frequently as possible.
2008 will bring great things, I know it will. Even numbered years are usually the most life changing for me. Not extremely positive but usually the most 'change'.
I will be spending all of next week back home in Sacramento for some very special birthdays and hopefully just extra time with family and friends. It's just Ally and I going, so it'll be interesting. I will be celebrating my 27th birthday in March! I am hoping to plan a trip- maybe NY, DC, Gettysburg or something. (To all my friends- please plan a trip with me!) In June I will a bridesmaid in Chelsea's wedding- which I am super excited about- (Especially since Patrick and I introduced them!) They totally deserve each other.
Ally will be 3 years old at the end of June… wow, 3 years old!
HMMM… I wonder what other great things will come in 2008.
Looking back on the year of 2007… it's amazing how much happens and doesn't happen in a year. A year ago today- I was living in PA but at a different address, with different neighbors and even driving a different vehicle. Aww, the Nissan, may she rest in peace.
Last year was the year Patrick and I called off the wedding. Though we told people we postponed it; I still do not see a wedding for Patrick and me at all in the future. It was a tough time and our feelings of desperation took completely over; desperate to love, desperate to make it work and desperate to receive a sign of what to do, or even desperate to make a decision- on anything. I think I have received so many signs that I spend most of time convincing myself to see past the obvious and try to still try and make it work. It is true- that after a while when you deny yourself of your true feelings- you do become numb. Your heart can no longer feel anything because you blocked it from its truly original feelings. I still question- what classifies as the 'right thing to do'? The decision to deny your heart but settle in the life that was given to you and try to make the best of it, or do you follow your heart's desire even if it hurts, with the uncertainty of the chance things may be screwed up for a while?
There was a point in time where I was certain of my feelings and that my decision was the right one- and my love was pure and heartfelt. I guess there just is that moment when you realize you cannot trust them; you no longer have anything else to give. Forgiveness is more than just a difficult task- it's close to impossible when your heart has been broken and let down over and over again. However, I found it easier to forgive the act of betrayal, but what I cannot let go of; the rejection of my heart and the betrayal of my trust. Sometimes- it is just too late. There has to be a time when you say 'enough is enough'. Although, our lives are completely past the point of where they were… my heart cannot go backwards. As I try to move forward- I begin to drift away. I hate it when he says I haven't tried… I have been trying for the past 3 years to work though it as a family and by myself and we have even tried as a couple.
I have learned that though you can love someone and have a life with them; it will not work unless you give your love whole heartedly.
I have my heart sealed under safe protection as of yet and as far as I see it- there is someone who is deserving of it- somewhere out there. I just don't know yet.
Alexandria has grown tremendously this past year- I watched a short video slip from Easter, when my mom came to visit, and I teared up- Ally was still somewhat bald, barely talking, and still just a baby. I look at her now; she's such a big girl, so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so grown. She likes to dress herself, brush her own teeth, she talks constantly, and she is very independent and her imagination and creativity just amazes me. I think of how blessed I truly am ~ to be the mommy of such a wonderful child. I do want more children in my future; I just hope life works out that way.
I am extremely thankful for the friends who have stayed in my life. My best girlfriends are still very much my best girlfriends and I have even been lucky enough this year to get back in touch with those who were great friends of my past. Kelly Norris is a great example~ it's like we picked up right where we left off and she has been the words of wisdom, the insight for direction and all together a wonderful friend.
I miss Katielaine, Dianna, Nancy, Adam and Chelsea an awful lot, but thankfully we make it work by staying in touch as frequently as possible.
2008 will bring great things, I know it will. Even numbered years are usually the most life changing for me. Not extremely positive but usually the most 'change'.
I will be spending all of next week back home in Sacramento for some very special birthdays and hopefully just extra time with family and friends. It's just Ally and I going, so it'll be interesting. I will be celebrating my 27th birthday in March! I am hoping to plan a trip- maybe NY, DC, Gettysburg or something. (To all my friends- please plan a trip with me!) In June I will a bridesmaid in Chelsea's wedding- which I am super excited about- (Especially since Patrick and I introduced them!) They totally deserve each other.
Ally will be 3 years old at the end of June… wow, 3 years old!
HMMM… I wonder what other great things will come in 2008.
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