Cocktails and Alligators

Current mood: melancholy

A lot of things were said in our church membership classes that have been stuck in my head. Unable to repeat them verbatim I wish I had to ability to snap my fingers and get 'with it'. I'm so 'ugh' with myself, if that's even a fair description. I am blessed beyond absolute measure yet, I can't place those blessing into my brain. I'm emotionally missing something. I know it's because of 'me' and the lack of person I am. I've always been really ambitious with all the different things in Life I've wanted to do, experience etc.. And I let myself down somewhere, somehow. I don't love the way I used to and I'd like to love better. My heart is big- why am I not using it to its full capacity? And my brain- it not as full as it should be. I want to open up and let God lead me in the right direction. I've been in the same spot, I am fully aware of the changes that need to happen but I'm either confused how to get there or ridiculously lazy. I'm being so disrespectful to my family by not being everything I can be. I'm not the mom I wish I was because I use up all my energy in being tired and unmotivated. My daughter is the most precious being on this Earth; she deserves all of me and not what's left of me when I get home from work. Same with Patrick, he deserves more than the little bit I can possibly muster up the energy to give. My job has lost most of its beauty and I find my self frustrated more days than none. It takes so much out of me, but it is what needs to happen right now. What's wrong with me? I must make a change. PLEASE Lord, please take my hand, please guide my heart and soul in the right direction. Please don't allow me to wander aimlessly through life. Place me where I need to be to do your will. Thank you for all of the many blessings you have given me in my life and especially now.