A Gentle Reflection

Current mood: contemplative

Looking back on the year of 2007… it's amazing how much happens and doesn't happen in a year. A year ago today- I was living in PA but at a different address, with different neighbors and even driving a different vehicle. Aww, the Nissan, may she rest in peace.

Last year was the year Patrick and I called off the wedding. Though we told people we postponed it; I still do not see a wedding for Patrick and me at all in the future. It was a tough time and our feelings of desperation took completely over; desperate to love, desperate to make it work and desperate to receive a sign of what to do, or even desperate to make a decision- on anything. I think I have received so many signs that I spend most of time convincing myself to see past the obvious and try to still try and make it work. It is true- that after a while when you deny yourself of your true feelings- you do become numb. Your heart can no longer feel anything because you blocked it from its truly original feelings. I still question- what classifies as the 'right thing to do'? The decision to deny your heart but settle in the life that was given to you and try to make the best of it, or do you follow your heart's desire even if it hurts, with the uncertainty of the chance things may be screwed up for a while?


There was a point in time where I was certain of my feelings and that my decision was the right one- and my love was pure and heartfelt. I guess there just is that moment when you realize you cannot trust them; you no longer have anything else to give. Forgiveness is more than just a difficult task- it's close to impossible when your heart has been broken and let down over and over again. However, I found it easier to forgive the act of betrayal, but what I cannot let go of; the rejection of my heart and the betrayal of my trust. Sometimes- it is just too late. There has to be a time when you say 'enough is enough'. Although, our lives are completely past the point of where they were… my heart cannot go backwards. As I try to move forward- I begin to drift away. I hate it when he says I haven't tried… I have been trying for the past 3 years to work though it as a family and by myself and we have even tried as a couple.

I have learned that though you can love someone and have a life with them; it will not work unless you give your love whole heartedly.

I have my heart sealed under safe protection as of yet and as far as I see it- there is someone who is deserving of it- somewhere out there. I just don't know yet.
Alexandria has grown tremendously this past year- I watched a short video slip from Easter, when my mom came to visit, and I teared up- Ally was still somewhat bald, barely talking, and still just a baby. I look at her now; she's such a big girl, so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so grown. She likes to dress herself, brush her own teeth, she talks constantly, and she is very independent and her imagination and creativity just amazes me. I think of how blessed I truly am ~ to be the mommy of such a wonderful child. I do want more children in my future; I just hope life works out that way.

I am extremely thankful for the friends who have stayed in my life. My best girlfriends are still very much my best girlfriends and I have even been lucky enough this year to get back in touch with those who were great friends of my past. Kelly Norris is a great example~ it's like we picked up right where we left off and she has been the words of wisdom, the insight for direction and all together a wonderful friend.

I miss Katielaine, Dianna, Nancy, Adam and Chelsea an awful lot, but thankfully we make it work by staying in touch as frequently as possible.
2008 will bring great things, I know it will. Even numbered years are usually the most life changing for me. Not extremely positive but usually the most 'change'.
I will be spending all of next week back home in Sacramento for some very special birthdays and hopefully just extra time with family and friends. It's just Ally and I going, so it'll be interesting. I will be celebrating my 27th birthday in March! I am hoping to plan a trip- maybe NY, DC, Gettysburg or something. (To all my friends- please plan a trip with me!) In June I will a bridesmaid in Chelsea's wedding- which I am super excited about- (Especially since Patrick and I introduced them!) They totally deserve each other.
Ally will be 3 years old at the end of June… wow, 3 years old!

HMMM… I wonder what other great things will come in 2008.