Beginning of an End

Current mood: exhausted

The beginning of an end always seems to be more difficult than the 'end of the beginning' Events in life seem to happen in phases, sections, or chapters. We all know that at one point the phase, section or chapter must end to move on to another one. Usually positive, there are those times when the negative twists it all around and creates a 'sub' phase; if you will. When you begin a new relationship- all is exciting, butterflies, dates, dinners (if you are lucky!)(I will explain later) etc. Then the 'new' phase ends and another great one starts- the intimate life discussions, the doings with friends, family events, vacations, so on and so forth… same with life, friendships, family, school, jobs- you name it. So, here I am in the beginning of the end of my 'relationship' though it seems to have been at the end point for so long, I guess the process that needed to happen- didn't begin until now. I wonder why things happen when they do and how we lack control of how we feel and how life just 'happens'. When you begin something new, the great thing about it being 'new' is that you have no idea what it will bring all you can be sure of is how you feel at that moment. Most times, I guess in my experience, we try to control our feelings to make things happen a certain way. Sometimes, you just have to let go in order for things to happen. Once I did this- let go of my need for control- the ugly truth reared its ugly head. However, I welcomed her. She needed to be seen, be heard and be noticed.
When you care about someone you don't want them to hurt or feel alone, so, when did I stop caring about myself. I had abandoned myself for what I thought was going to be worth the fight. I can't dwell on the past- however- the past, especially in this situation molds us for whom we are in and out of our relationships.
It breaks away at the numbness and begins to burn to know that I am the reason for someone's hurt. Then there is the other part of me that can't understand why it took 5 years to begin feeling this way when I gave everything of myself and it was trampled on as if it was worth nothing. There was always something or someone better… and I know I can't take all the fault for that, but why wasn't I ever worth it? Why wasn't I worth it to myself? I allowed my self to be disrespected, treated unloving and I STILL gave it what I could. What was left of me…? And now – I have nothing to give – my fire is almost out.
Of course, not all was negative. I loved this person with everything I had and we created someone together so wonderful- we both never knew that it was possible to love that much, until Ally came along. She is worth the tears, the effort and the heart ache. And I do believe everything happens for a reason, I can't have any regrets.
So, we both know it's now at the official end. There have been many opportunities for us to end it, and honestly, we should have, but again- all things happen for a reason. In the beginning of this phase is the hardest because you doubt every feeling you have, every thought you my have and you transform in survival mode. And before you get there, your heart breaks a little more each day. Today, I can honestly say, my heart can no longer be broken by him, the damage was already done; too many times. My heart had already begun the healing process a long while ago and I do believe that is why I am certain this is what needs to happen. My heart will no longer feel any of those feelings felt before and my heart will not allow him in or to hurt me ever again. I have to believe that there is a person that makes your heart smile – and you should settle for nothing less. And now it is time to take my own advice - For me, my well being, my heart and most of all for my daughter. How am I supposed to teach her to follow her heart, her dreams and to believe in herself, if I can't lead by example?
It's just so heavy of an emotion to drag out this phase, and again… the beginning is always the most difficult.
I am just so lucky to be blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and I am very thankful for those who truly love me to believe I am doing the right thing. I have been given the advice of "stay if it works" and I struggled with that. I still do. Am I really supposed to be unhappy for the rest of my life and barely 'live' just because it 'works'?? I already feel like I have been doing that...