So...I'm in the shower soaking in my overly hot water, letting the steam fill up around me. First, I always wash my face, secondly, I brush my teeth (don't laugh~ but i feel 100% clean when I step out of the shower- thank you Acacia, 7th grade). Ok, so I then reach my arm up to grab my shampoo. Like most girls, I have different shampoos/conditioners that are for different purposes; such as: curly/wavy hair, mositurizing, super straight, the smell good kind, etc, etc... I grab my Herbal Essences Totally Twisted, Curls & Waves shampoo. As I pour the glob in my hand, (my hair is way too thick and long for the money sized amounts) a caption catches my eye~ "Herbal HEAD games" it was called. Hmmm, Intriguing...~~~I read on... " what percent of women wear the wrong bra size?" Below in small print it says, 'find out on Totally Twisted conditioner'.
WOW! I mean, wow!... they (marketers) take the time to create shampoo trivia for your shampooing pleasure while in the shower?? Naturally, I wanted to know the answer, so Luckily, I also have the Totally Twisted conditoner. But... lets say you don't... do you go to the store in hopes to purchase that exact mate just to retrieve your shampoo trivia? Wow~ we are all being 'sold' to.
Anyway ladies, the answer is 60%. 60% of all women wear the wrong size bra.
......thank you herbal essences I have anew wrinkle in my brain, as well as a good time in the shower. I at least got a good laugh.
P.S. All of their shampoo/conditoner products have this trivia box- I looked.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Life REALLY is full of laughs
Current mood: contemplative
I just finished reading Jenny McCarthy's book, "Life Laughs". When I was pregnant I read her "Belly Laughs" book too, and it was a riot! I didn't know what to think of Jenny before I read her books, because I thought she was a beautiful, sexy, crude, nasty, bitch. Well, come to find out- she really is all those things- except the nasty bitch part. lol… I read her books and I feel like she is a mirrored image of me and what I feel. She makes me laugh after each chapter- I would stop and think- Holy Crap, this is me, and probably every other girl in the world. She began to talk about life in general, than life in a marriage or serious relationship- both which I can relate to, than life as a mother- again- more that i can relate to. Then she talks about her divorce and her reasons for it- OH MY GOSH- she is saying exactly how I feel. EXACTLY- IN fact she wrote exactly what I wrote myself on a piece of paper last week. Is this a sign?Then she writes about being a single mother… and her fears of being alone and dating again. I read this book in one sitting; I bought it yesterday, started this evening and just finished 30 minutes ago. I felt like I was laughing with a friend, I felt understood… when really I understood her! I think more of Jenny now realizing she is human and REAL just like the rest of us, and so what if she is totally sexy and gorgeous- she has her insecurities too and she revs you up to be more confident. Thank you Jenny!!!
I have all the answers I want and I know what I have to do, but I feel so overly alone in my world right now, that I am choosing to not listen to my heart and do what is the laziest. Why do we do this to ourselves? One of my best girlfriends has been there lately to help me express my real feelings and she has no idea that she is giving me much needed advice. BUT- I don't know what to do with it- I am the person I hate to be right now. I have fabulous people in my life why can't I find my own strength within these people? And what about my family- would they be supportive?
I just finished reading Jenny McCarthy's book, "Life Laughs". When I was pregnant I read her "Belly Laughs" book too, and it was a riot! I didn't know what to think of Jenny before I read her books, because I thought she was a beautiful, sexy, crude, nasty, bitch. Well, come to find out- she really is all those things- except the nasty bitch part. lol… I read her books and I feel like she is a mirrored image of me and what I feel. She makes me laugh after each chapter- I would stop and think- Holy Crap, this is me, and probably every other girl in the world. She began to talk about life in general, than life in a marriage or serious relationship- both which I can relate to, than life as a mother- again- more that i can relate to. Then she talks about her divorce and her reasons for it- OH MY GOSH- she is saying exactly how I feel. EXACTLY- IN fact she wrote exactly what I wrote myself on a piece of paper last week. Is this a sign?Then she writes about being a single mother… and her fears of being alone and dating again. I read this book in one sitting; I bought it yesterday, started this evening and just finished 30 minutes ago. I felt like I was laughing with a friend, I felt understood… when really I understood her! I think more of Jenny now realizing she is human and REAL just like the rest of us, and so what if she is totally sexy and gorgeous- she has her insecurities too and she revs you up to be more confident. Thank you Jenny!!!
I have all the answers I want and I know what I have to do, but I feel so overly alone in my world right now, that I am choosing to not listen to my heart and do what is the laziest. Why do we do this to ourselves? One of my best girlfriends has been there lately to help me express my real feelings and she has no idea that she is giving me much needed advice. BUT- I don't know what to do with it- I am the person I hate to be right now. I have fabulous people in my life why can't I find my own strength within these people? And what about my family- would they be supportive?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Unable to sleep...
Current mood: awake
it still haunts me, years later... life would be sooo different if I just would've followed my instinct years ago. He should have stayed with her... we all would've been much happier. However, I am sooo thankful for Ally. She is my blessing out of the whole thing. But I just can't let my heart open up. It's still sooo broken and so far away from being healed or even patched up. The wounds are still sore and they bleed- often.
I CAN'T even have a physical relationship with him because I feel the ripping of my heart all over again, My body then closes up and goes numb. I also close my eyes and I see her touching his hair like she'd do in front of me and I'd see him with her- all over again. My body then cringes. I feel nasty- ME! So- needless to say- I hate being physical or intimate... which anyone knows- it's not me. Maybe counseling will help? Third times a charm- right?
it still haunts me, years later... life would be sooo different if I just would've followed my instinct years ago. He should have stayed with her... we all would've been much happier. However, I am sooo thankful for Ally. She is my blessing out of the whole thing. But I just can't let my heart open up. It's still sooo broken and so far away from being healed or even patched up. The wounds are still sore and they bleed- often.
I CAN'T even have a physical relationship with him because I feel the ripping of my heart all over again, My body then closes up and goes numb. I also close my eyes and I see her touching his hair like she'd do in front of me and I'd see him with her- all over again. My body then cringes. I feel nasty- ME! So- needless to say- I hate being physical or intimate... which anyone knows- it's not me. Maybe counseling will help? Third times a charm- right?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Conversation with ’Self’
Current mood: sick
!!Self!!...In my opinion, you shouldn't give up because your falling behind, more reason to go and say, 'ok, so I haven't been doing what I am supposed to, but I made a commitment to myself and I will not let myself down'….
(Me not keeping my commitment to myself of eating better, working out, staying positive etc...)
....I can understand how difficult it is sometimes to just stay in control. Because with other life decisions we are formed to believe that we are NOT in control God is, but we are in control of how we treat the body God is letting us use….
And I have to think…. Why do we not want to take good care of our bodies that we are so kindly lent to our whole lives. It's rude to say ' screw it' God, I don't care about your perfect making of me, I am going to destroy it by eating crap, burning my skin, doing drugs, smoking, manipulating myself etc'… ok, so I have gone too far but you get my point. I feel so guilty sometimes when I treat my body badly…. God gave this body to me for me to take care of and here I am treating it badly… Like when I drink a glass or two of wine… I am drying out my body and making my poor organs work a lot harder than they need to or worse off, I take medicine to corrupt my poor body's natural healing process!!!!!! Ugh… anyway.. now my body is getting back at me- I am sick….. for not being nice to my body.
Sorry I get carried away…. I wish I was a perfect example of what I believe but I am learning.
Hot Tea is my best friend these days. It's good for the body, your organs and for your soul.
!!Self!!...In my opinion, you shouldn't give up because your falling behind, more reason to go and say, 'ok, so I haven't been doing what I am supposed to, but I made a commitment to myself and I will not let myself down'….
(Me not keeping my commitment to myself of eating better, working out, staying positive etc...)
....I can understand how difficult it is sometimes to just stay in control. Because with other life decisions we are formed to believe that we are NOT in control God is, but we are in control of how we treat the body God is letting us use….
And I have to think…. Why do we not want to take good care of our bodies that we are so kindly lent to our whole lives. It's rude to say ' screw it' God, I don't care about your perfect making of me, I am going to destroy it by eating crap, burning my skin, doing drugs, smoking, manipulating myself etc'… ok, so I have gone too far but you get my point. I feel so guilty sometimes when I treat my body badly…. God gave this body to me for me to take care of and here I am treating it badly… Like when I drink a glass or two of wine… I am drying out my body and making my poor organs work a lot harder than they need to or worse off, I take medicine to corrupt my poor body's natural healing process!!!!!! Ugh… anyway.. now my body is getting back at me- I am sick….. for not being nice to my body.
Sorry I get carried away…. I wish I was a perfect example of what I believe but I am learning.
Hot Tea is my best friend these days. It's good for the body, your organs and for your soul.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Release
Current mood: aggravated
Its always right when I start to feel a calming sensation and i find the desire to take a deep breath and let shit go, however, when i do that- conversations like the one I just had or certain actions occur- WTF?! Is it my sign that things are not 'right'? I mean, as over accomidating and sincere I have been- I get attacked and blamed for negative things in our life. Why poke me with a rusty nail, can you find a warm heart somewhere and trade yours in?? Is this possible? I am with someone who sadly thinks he is GREAT to me, that treats me like dirt and that I am not ever going to be good enough. Oh wait- he did prove I was never good enough 2 years ago-
He writes that I am his world and that he truly loves me and wants to hold me etc... The last time he told me he loved me was in CA, when we went home and it was because I said it first. The last time he hugged me- on his own was Early September maybe and the last time he kissed me on his own and meant it- was... last April. Granite- I haven't been the most affectionate towards him either- but I do try, I am just exhausted from trying to make someone love me. I had done it for three years before we had a child and 2 of those years he spent lying to me and cheating on me... so now, feeling like I will never be good enough, I just want to be loved and to have an affectionate relationship with love. Maybe this isn't possible with him. I do feel trapped- always. We just signed a new lease to a new apartment, that I do love by the way, and I try to think of our family and i deep down desperately want to be in love with him again but I have more hate than I do have love for him. It rushes thorugh my body and I close up and become the negative person he thinks I am. Funny- he is the only one who thinks I am overly negative. I wonder why this is. I am trying my fucking hardest to be happy with who I've got. How do people do it? There is obviosuly no way out for me, but how do you make the best of it, and how do make it ok, to be in a loveless relationship?
Its always right when I start to feel a calming sensation and i find the desire to take a deep breath and let shit go, however, when i do that- conversations like the one I just had or certain actions occur- WTF?! Is it my sign that things are not 'right'? I mean, as over accomidating and sincere I have been- I get attacked and blamed for negative things in our life. Why poke me with a rusty nail, can you find a warm heart somewhere and trade yours in?? Is this possible? I am with someone who sadly thinks he is GREAT to me, that treats me like dirt and that I am not ever going to be good enough. Oh wait- he did prove I was never good enough 2 years ago-
He writes that I am his world and that he truly loves me and wants to hold me etc... The last time he told me he loved me was in CA, when we went home and it was because I said it first. The last time he hugged me- on his own was Early September maybe and the last time he kissed me on his own and meant it- was... last April. Granite- I haven't been the most affectionate towards him either- but I do try, I am just exhausted from trying to make someone love me. I had done it for three years before we had a child and 2 of those years he spent lying to me and cheating on me... so now, feeling like I will never be good enough, I just want to be loved and to have an affectionate relationship with love. Maybe this isn't possible with him. I do feel trapped- always. We just signed a new lease to a new apartment, that I do love by the way, and I try to think of our family and i deep down desperately want to be in love with him again but I have more hate than I do have love for him. It rushes thorugh my body and I close up and become the negative person he thinks I am. Funny- he is the only one who thinks I am overly negative. I wonder why this is. I am trying my fucking hardest to be happy with who I've got. How do people do it? There is obviosuly no way out for me, but how do you make the best of it, and how do make it ok, to be in a loveless relationship?
Monday, October 22, 2007
Another Year
Current mood: hopeful
Another year...
So, we have lived in Pittsburgh for a year now. It's so crazy to think it was just a year ago we moved here and then to realize- wow, we have been gone from Nashville a long time. I believe we have all felt the emptiness of not having our family and friends but somehow we managed. And here we go again- moving AGAIN. Except we are staying in Pittsburgh, just moving in to another apartment, we need more space! So, we found a great apartment that we hope to enjoy enough to call it 'Home'. Although, the relationship between Patrick and I is just demolished. I find it hard to even be in the same room without feeling/receiving negative feelings. It's emotinally exhausting. We don't really know what to do. I look at it as another year... having a child together makes everything we do so difficult. Self Sacrafice- we want what is best for Ally. I see couples all the time survive but then I also see 'broken' families. Patrick likes to blame me all the time, saying it's always my fault for our relationship being negative (dead). ( He seems to forget that he is the one who cheated, he is the non -affectionate, self centered, arrogant, LAZY one) He also makes it very clear that if I break the family up he will make sure Ally knows it is my fault. He is right- it IS my fault.... for giving it another try, for trusting in him again, for believing it could work after the trust being demolished, it is my fault for giving him my heart in the first place. But- Ally won't understand that and I certainly don't expect her to, but I need her to know she comes first in my life.
This next year will be tough, but I feel a little bit better about myself since I moved here. I don't have a group of friends or anything, but I have met so many wonderful people- time will tell what will come of those. My job is good and my relationship with my boss is great. I have his support no matter what I want to do. (That is a great thing to have- professionally and emotionally) Ally is very happy here as well. She LOVES her school, her teachers, and her friends and I feel very comfortable where she is at. She is safe and she is getting an early start on her education.
.....................................to another year here in Pittsburgh!...............I am going to make it a great one. No matter what.
Another year...
So, we have lived in Pittsburgh for a year now. It's so crazy to think it was just a year ago we moved here and then to realize- wow, we have been gone from Nashville a long time. I believe we have all felt the emptiness of not having our family and friends but somehow we managed. And here we go again- moving AGAIN. Except we are staying in Pittsburgh, just moving in to another apartment, we need more space! So, we found a great apartment that we hope to enjoy enough to call it 'Home'. Although, the relationship between Patrick and I is just demolished. I find it hard to even be in the same room without feeling/receiving negative feelings. It's emotinally exhausting. We don't really know what to do. I look at it as another year... having a child together makes everything we do so difficult. Self Sacrafice- we want what is best for Ally. I see couples all the time survive but then I also see 'broken' families. Patrick likes to blame me all the time, saying it's always my fault for our relationship being negative (dead). ( He seems to forget that he is the one who cheated, he is the non -affectionate, self centered, arrogant, LAZY one) He also makes it very clear that if I break the family up he will make sure Ally knows it is my fault. He is right- it IS my fault.... for giving it another try, for trusting in him again, for believing it could work after the trust being demolished, it is my fault for giving him my heart in the first place. But- Ally won't understand that and I certainly don't expect her to, but I need her to know she comes first in my life.
This next year will be tough, but I feel a little bit better about myself since I moved here. I don't have a group of friends or anything, but I have met so many wonderful people- time will tell what will come of those. My job is good and my relationship with my boss is great. I have his support no matter what I want to do. (That is a great thing to have- professionally and emotionally) Ally is very happy here as well. She LOVES her school, her teachers, and her friends and I feel very comfortable where she is at. She is safe and she is getting an early start on her education.
.....................................to another year here in Pittsburgh!...............I am going to make it a great one. No matter what.
Monday, October 8, 2007
California
Current mood: lonely
This past month was a great month for me, I was able to do one of the things I love best- travel. I always feel free when I travel whether it be by boat, car, train or plane. However, though I feel free, there is ALWAYS a load of stress just because it is what it is...
Mid-September, the three of us- Patrick, Ally & I- took a trip back to my home town (Sacramento, CA). This overall was a great trip for so many reasons. I was able to spend quality time with my mama, both sets of grandparents and got to sorta catch up with my cousin of the cousins- Lillian.
It's amazing how life changes so dramatically when you leave a place, and how it also somehow amazingly stays the same. My family was the same, the city was the same, and the weather was even the same. But because I have been gone so long- it wasn't. I didn't feel like that person that I was before, and I was awfully glad I wasn't but instead of being happy where I am in life- I got frustrated. My family didn't see that I was different or could even tell how much I had grown emotionally over the past 7 years. I had left on my own 7 years ago- without any help from any of them. And still- I felt judged. My grandfather, who I have always admired spoke maybe a few words to me and completely hurt my feelings. My aunts have always been amazing- and I hope to grow up and be just like all of them- in some shape or form. Spending time with my grandma Jetta is always encouraging. She is so uplifting and so positive and so heartfelt and loving. My grandfather on the otherhand, couldn't be more opposite. It's funny how relationships turn out. Yet, my grandmother loved the man with all of her heart and because she is the way she is- she sees the postive in him. He is a great man, he just likes to be by himself in his own house. On our CA trip, we were able to spend some adult time with Lori, Steve, Tyler, Greg and my BFF Nancy. We went to San fransisco. Just being there was relaxation, and spending time with people, who at that moment I realized how much I truly have missed them.
On our last day in CA- the weather was poopy and I found myself feeling liek the weather was discribing the way I felt- tired, exhausted and sad that I was leaving. Fortunately, I got to see my brother play soccer! I was so excited to see him play because When I was in high school and lived at home, he lived with his mom and we never spent time together, and so he never really knew how much I totally loved him, so here was my chance to let him know I am his biggest fan.
We also made it to my brother's bday party- a soccer party of course. Where I wa sable to spend more time with family and my friend Eric and his beautiful fiance came by too! The entire time I felt like I didn't get enough time with anyone, so I felt so torn. But either way- it was sooo great to see them.
I didn't mention my sister- but when we saw her, she was about to pop- and never did. Her baby finally came last Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007. :)
I really enjoyed my girls dinner with Nancy, Kelly, Kendra and Patrick ( hehehe , I know he is not a girl but he was still there) I wish I had pictures to show you how wonderful of a time it was, but I don't. It was so great to catch up with all of them on what they are doing these days. Kelly is still as gorgeous if not more than she has ever been, she looked sooo happy and I felt pleased to see her in that state. She deserves all the great things she now has. Kendra hadn't changed a bit- still funny and full of laughable drama. It's weird to go back and think of how we all became friends. Kendra turned out just the way I thought she would- successful, happy and still never settling for 2nd best. My Nancy- I know I always miss her, but it's amazing how we can go over a year or so without seeing each other and talking not as often as we should and everything between us remains the same, if not more. She and I still share the same love we always have its just stronger now- being in her house brought back so many memories and it was a comfort to know, that not much has changed. I just wished we lived closer.
Ally had a wonderful time too, and believe it or not, for a two year old- Ally did great on the LONG plane ride to and from. She makes me so proud.
This past month was a great month for me, I was able to do one of the things I love best- travel. I always feel free when I travel whether it be by boat, car, train or plane. However, though I feel free, there is ALWAYS a load of stress just because it is what it is...
Mid-September, the three of us- Patrick, Ally & I- took a trip back to my home town (Sacramento, CA). This overall was a great trip for so many reasons. I was able to spend quality time with my mama, both sets of grandparents and got to sorta catch up with my cousin of the cousins- Lillian.
It's amazing how life changes so dramatically when you leave a place, and how it also somehow amazingly stays the same. My family was the same, the city was the same, and the weather was even the same. But because I have been gone so long- it wasn't. I didn't feel like that person that I was before, and I was awfully glad I wasn't but instead of being happy where I am in life- I got frustrated. My family didn't see that I was different or could even tell how much I had grown emotionally over the past 7 years. I had left on my own 7 years ago- without any help from any of them. And still- I felt judged. My grandfather, who I have always admired spoke maybe a few words to me and completely hurt my feelings. My aunts have always been amazing- and I hope to grow up and be just like all of them- in some shape or form. Spending time with my grandma Jetta is always encouraging. She is so uplifting and so positive and so heartfelt and loving. My grandfather on the otherhand, couldn't be more opposite. It's funny how relationships turn out. Yet, my grandmother loved the man with all of her heart and because she is the way she is- she sees the postive in him. He is a great man, he just likes to be by himself in his own house. On our CA trip, we were able to spend some adult time with Lori, Steve, Tyler, Greg and my BFF Nancy. We went to San fransisco. Just being there was relaxation, and spending time with people, who at that moment I realized how much I truly have missed them.
On our last day in CA- the weather was poopy and I found myself feeling liek the weather was discribing the way I felt- tired, exhausted and sad that I was leaving. Fortunately, I got to see my brother play soccer! I was so excited to see him play because When I was in high school and lived at home, he lived with his mom and we never spent time together, and so he never really knew how much I totally loved him, so here was my chance to let him know I am his biggest fan.
We also made it to my brother's bday party- a soccer party of course. Where I wa sable to spend more time with family and my friend Eric and his beautiful fiance came by too! The entire time I felt like I didn't get enough time with anyone, so I felt so torn. But either way- it was sooo great to see them.
I didn't mention my sister- but when we saw her, she was about to pop- and never did. Her baby finally came last Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007. :)
I really enjoyed my girls dinner with Nancy, Kelly, Kendra and Patrick ( hehehe , I know he is not a girl but he was still there) I wish I had pictures to show you how wonderful of a time it was, but I don't. It was so great to catch up with all of them on what they are doing these days. Kelly is still as gorgeous if not more than she has ever been, she looked sooo happy and I felt pleased to see her in that state. She deserves all the great things she now has. Kendra hadn't changed a bit- still funny and full of laughable drama. It's weird to go back and think of how we all became friends. Kendra turned out just the way I thought she would- successful, happy and still never settling for 2nd best. My Nancy- I know I always miss her, but it's amazing how we can go over a year or so without seeing each other and talking not as often as we should and everything between us remains the same, if not more. She and I still share the same love we always have its just stronger now- being in her house brought back so many memories and it was a comfort to know, that not much has changed. I just wished we lived closer.
Ally had a wonderful time too, and believe it or not, for a two year old- Ally did great on the LONG plane ride to and from. She makes me so proud.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Happiness is...
Current mood: calm
There was a time in 2004 that I made a gift with a piece of canvas and a couple of slaps of paint and named it ' happiness is' the painting was of 'us'. My happiness was being with him. To me- us together was so special.
I wonder how i let myself feel so hurt. People hurt us and we hurt people in life- its inevitable. We are human, so why do we choose what we can forgive and get over and what we don't? Our parents screw up so many times and only sometimes do we scream ' I have had enough' before we write them off or close them out. Same with our friends and our love relationships. No matter what type of relationship, hurt is hurt.
Patrick and I both have hurt each other, for so many stupid reasons- no doubt. Could it be because we were young and so damn confused about where we both were? I guess that could be one of those things we dwell on forever, but I am just so ready to give up the hurt. It hurts so much because I let it ( at this point). I do have to say there are so many types of hurtful pains and some definately hurt more than others... And each situation of forgiveness is different. God forgives everybody for everything, so why are we as humans to difficult to forgive?
I think to how I feel at the end of the day ( as my old roomie and BFF always asked/told me) ... she always said to reference that 'it's all how you feel at the end of the day'... at the end of the day, though sometimes I may feel sad, lonely, hurt, mad or whatever, I love Patrick whole-heartedly and we have a family and I have to think that all the previous challeneges should've destroyed us by now if they were going to. Are we denying it or are we not allowing greatness to take over?
There was a time in 2004 that I made a gift with a piece of canvas and a couple of slaps of paint and named it ' happiness is' the painting was of 'us'. My happiness was being with him. To me- us together was so special.
I wonder how i let myself feel so hurt. People hurt us and we hurt people in life- its inevitable. We are human, so why do we choose what we can forgive and get over and what we don't? Our parents screw up so many times and only sometimes do we scream ' I have had enough' before we write them off or close them out. Same with our friends and our love relationships. No matter what type of relationship, hurt is hurt.
Patrick and I both have hurt each other, for so many stupid reasons- no doubt. Could it be because we were young and so damn confused about where we both were? I guess that could be one of those things we dwell on forever, but I am just so ready to give up the hurt. It hurts so much because I let it ( at this point). I do have to say there are so many types of hurtful pains and some definately hurt more than others... And each situation of forgiveness is different. God forgives everybody for everything, so why are we as humans to difficult to forgive?
I think to how I feel at the end of the day ( as my old roomie and BFF always asked/told me) ... she always said to reference that 'it's all how you feel at the end of the day'... at the end of the day, though sometimes I may feel sad, lonely, hurt, mad or whatever, I love Patrick whole-heartedly and we have a family and I have to think that all the previous challeneges should've destroyed us by now if they were going to. Are we denying it or are we not allowing greatness to take over?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Sitting in Silence
Current mood: lonely
I want to be able to have the type of relationship where people say, ' wow , you both look so happy'... And for it all to be true. I look at some friends pictures of their wedding and or honeymoon etc. and I see them having fun and being happy. Will I have that too? People automatically say yeah sure...but...........
I have great people in my life, infact I know and love absolutely wonderful people. I know I am blessed, and life with Patrick hasn't been terrible, but it hasn't been great. There are great things that could be out of the relationship... but I can't get over what happened. It has seemed to strip me of all of my trust, and all of my affection and all of my love. I know it's in there, but could we ever be better than this? Or are we really not meant to be? Some moments I think it's just me and it can work, other moments, I think 'get me the hell out of here'!
I really miss having friends... I have one friend here, who is fabulous and I adore him, but our relationship can only go so far, he is male and married, so I don't ever talk to him past 6pm- and we keep our friendship sincere but casual. But I need someone I can call, someone who calls me, who stops by, someone to go out with- someone to talk to abut 'stuff ' .........a girlfriend really. I talk to Jim about everything that goes on, but again... he is male, so that limits him, on a girls' perspective lol.... but then there are times when his words are just perfect.
I have my Allygator, but sometimes I just want to be an adult and do adult things.
I am just lonely...
I want to be able to have the type of relationship where people say, ' wow , you both look so happy'... And for it all to be true. I look at some friends pictures of their wedding and or honeymoon etc. and I see them having fun and being happy. Will I have that too? People automatically say yeah sure...but...........
I have great people in my life, infact I know and love absolutely wonderful people. I know I am blessed, and life with Patrick hasn't been terrible, but it hasn't been great. There are great things that could be out of the relationship... but I can't get over what happened. It has seemed to strip me of all of my trust, and all of my affection and all of my love. I know it's in there, but could we ever be better than this? Or are we really not meant to be? Some moments I think it's just me and it can work, other moments, I think 'get me the hell out of here'!
I really miss having friends... I have one friend here, who is fabulous and I adore him, but our relationship can only go so far, he is male and married, so I don't ever talk to him past 6pm- and we keep our friendship sincere but casual. But I need someone I can call, someone who calls me, who stops by, someone to go out with- someone to talk to abut 'stuff ' .........a girlfriend really. I talk to Jim about everything that goes on, but again... he is male, so that limits him, on a girls' perspective lol.... but then there are times when his words are just perfect.
I have my Allygator, but sometimes I just want to be an adult and do adult things.
I am just lonely...
Sunday, July 29, 2007
It should not be that hard.
Current mood: contemplative
Love shouldn't be that hard, the relationship definately always takes work and compromise, but the act of 'love' shouldn't feel forced. Why do I feel like I have been forcing a square peg into a circle hole?
Love shouldn't be that hard, the relationship definately always takes work and compromise, but the act of 'love' shouldn't feel forced. Why do I feel like I have been forcing a square peg into a circle hole?
Friday, July 27, 2007
Such an ass!
Current mood: aggravated
Could he be more self centered? He thinks he just made a simple 'mistake', and wonders why he can't be trusted. A simple mistake is forgetting to enter the $40.00 debit transaction into the right bank account. It may have been just a mistake if he did it once and was drunk, then, it would have been a stupid, fucked up mistake and still almost unforgivable because of all of the lies told but, that whole year relationship was a choice and he chose to lie to me and chose to hide it all from me... and proof that he never loved me. So why was/am I so stupid to believe he could actually love me now? Why because I was dumb enough to let him hurt me then allow him in my life again? Was that because i was too forgiving or because I truly loved him? Either way he didn't deserve any of that love, and yet, he still thinks I should just get over it? I WOULD LOVE TO! However, when hurt like that , someone's self worth and esteem is damaged... could I blame him for that- no, but I can blame him for being selfish and so self cenetered- right?? I deserve better than that, i deserve someone honest and faithful...
Could he be more self centered? He thinks he just made a simple 'mistake', and wonders why he can't be trusted. A simple mistake is forgetting to enter the $40.00 debit transaction into the right bank account. It may have been just a mistake if he did it once and was drunk, then, it would have been a stupid, fucked up mistake and still almost unforgivable because of all of the lies told but, that whole year relationship was a choice and he chose to lie to me and chose to hide it all from me... and proof that he never loved me. So why was/am I so stupid to believe he could actually love me now? Why because I was dumb enough to let him hurt me then allow him in my life again? Was that because i was too forgiving or because I truly loved him? Either way he didn't deserve any of that love, and yet, he still thinks I should just get over it? I WOULD LOVE TO! However, when hurt like that , someone's self worth and esteem is damaged... could I blame him for that- no, but I can blame him for being selfish and so self cenetered- right?? I deserve better than that, i deserve someone honest and faithful...
Saturday, July 7, 2007
The Crossroad
Current mood: confused
I am at that point where I can move forward or stand still. If I move forward am I leaving something behind that I may regret? If I stand still, I could potentially be missing out on something great, something better. Not necessarily a/the 'person', but a/the 'life'. I am happy with Life, and life is good, but for some reason, I am not fulfilled. At what point does the fulfillment begin to happen?
I am at that point where I can move forward or stand still. If I move forward am I leaving something behind that I may regret? If I stand still, I could potentially be missing out on something great, something better. Not necessarily a/the 'person', but a/the 'life'. I am happy with Life, and life is good, but for some reason, I am not fulfilled. At what point does the fulfillment begin to happen?
Monday, July 2, 2007
When life begins to turn...
Current mood: content
Things that used to be your favorite start changing, things you used to dislike are now things you appreciate and things you use to love fade into something else. Nothing negative, nothing missing~ just a new phase, an 'entry' phase, if you will, to get you prepared for the new chapter of your life.
When change occurs, its hard to understand if its a good change, a needed change or something less welcomed. One of my dearest friends (also previous roomie) enlightened me years ago... Katielaine.... she told me that no matter how you embrace the change, its going to happpen, it's just the attitude you have or how you deal with it, and most importantly- what you do with the opportunity. She also would sing or play the Sing 'Time will do the talking", Patty Griffin to me constantly. I used to think it could only be a bandaid song when I was feelign lost and low, but it lately has new meaning. In my most recent change, the postponement of the wedding and changes between Patrick and I, it has been a comfort to play the song or place myself in the 'comfy spot' and wait it out... not to freak out, be scared of the unknown, but to let change happen, and when I begin to start to new chapter I will be able to look back and understand it. To tell you the truth, I am nervous and excited and scared shitless of what I am supposed to do and the fact that I don't have a clue of my next move.
A couple of random quotes I found and enjoy:
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
-- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I
All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
-- James Thurber
We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
-- Frank Tibolt
Things that used to be your favorite start changing, things you used to dislike are now things you appreciate and things you use to love fade into something else. Nothing negative, nothing missing~ just a new phase, an 'entry' phase, if you will, to get you prepared for the new chapter of your life.
When change occurs, its hard to understand if its a good change, a needed change or something less welcomed. One of my dearest friends (also previous roomie) enlightened me years ago... Katielaine.... she told me that no matter how you embrace the change, its going to happpen, it's just the attitude you have or how you deal with it, and most importantly- what you do with the opportunity. She also would sing or play the Sing 'Time will do the talking", Patty Griffin to me constantly. I used to think it could only be a bandaid song when I was feelign lost and low, but it lately has new meaning. In my most recent change, the postponement of the wedding and changes between Patrick and I, it has been a comfort to play the song or place myself in the 'comfy spot' and wait it out... not to freak out, be scared of the unknown, but to let change happen, and when I begin to start to new chapter I will be able to look back and understand it. To tell you the truth, I am nervous and excited and scared shitless of what I am supposed to do and the fact that I don't have a clue of my next move.
A couple of random quotes I found and enjoy:
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
-- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I
All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
-- James Thurber
We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
-- Frank Tibolt
Monday, June 25, 2007
Wedding - Postponed.
Current mood: sad
Patrick and I have postponed the wedding. Right now after several weeks of going back and forth, I am not sure exactly how I feel about it. I feel sad and also relieved. So much pressure started building up on the both of us and we didn't want to make a decision based on time contraints.
At this time we haven't decided if the wedding is 'postponed' or 'off'. Why are decisons like these so difficult to make? We love each other and we are great parents together for Ally, but is that enough to get us through - FOREVER? My mother (one for her not so wise words of wisdom) said yesterday to me, "well, if it works, why not get married" I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. You mean to tell me that I am basing my forever decision on the idea of loving someone whole heartedly for the rest of my life?! Shame on me! We should get married because it 'works'. Even Patrick thought this statement was ridiculous. But I can't take it to much to heart - it was my mother, and she is definately NOT one to take relationship advice from. (No offense)
Our friends have kept their opinions to themsleves mostly which is hard because the both of us care what they think (although we don't base our decisions on their opinions) , honestly, its been really hard being out here without our friends. And going back to that- our friends have still yet to visit! Hell, some don't even call. Anyway- that's another blog...
So, I sit here alone, pondering the next step... wondering... What's Next?!
Patrick and I have postponed the wedding. Right now after several weeks of going back and forth, I am not sure exactly how I feel about it. I feel sad and also relieved. So much pressure started building up on the both of us and we didn't want to make a decision based on time contraints.
At this time we haven't decided if the wedding is 'postponed' or 'off'. Why are decisons like these so difficult to make? We love each other and we are great parents together for Ally, but is that enough to get us through - FOREVER? My mother (one for her not so wise words of wisdom) said yesterday to me, "well, if it works, why not get married" I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. You mean to tell me that I am basing my forever decision on the idea of loving someone whole heartedly for the rest of my life?! Shame on me! We should get married because it 'works'. Even Patrick thought this statement was ridiculous. But I can't take it to much to heart - it was my mother, and she is definately NOT one to take relationship advice from. (No offense)
Our friends have kept their opinions to themsleves mostly which is hard because the both of us care what they think (although we don't base our decisions on their opinions) , honestly, its been really hard being out here without our friends. And going back to that- our friends have still yet to visit! Hell, some don't even call. Anyway- that's another blog...
So, I sit here alone, pondering the next step... wondering... What's Next?!
Friday, June 8, 2007
The Leech of Uncertainty
Current mood: frustrated
Every day for the past two weeks I have had enough thoughts to begin the book I one day hope to write, however, as soon as I get to paper or to the computer- MS Word or my blog, my hands gets stiff anf my mind goes blank. I all of a sudden cannot express any feeling or thought. What the hell is wrong with me? The people who really know me are probably in shock at my loss for words to express myself. I think so many people in my life are expierencing their own life changing events that nobody seems to available to be "well of advice" or a listening ear. But I also have tried to be a good friend to those I love and try to be helpful with advice and be a good ear. Thank you to my friend Adam, who is one of the only ones who truly knows what is going on in my life right now, calls to check up on me, loves me unconditionally, and at the same time will spill his life drama on me too in fair exchange. And our advice to each other is self less and whole heartedly given.
I am struggling with myself right now. I have "uncertainty" haunt me all throughout the day and even in my dreams. Its like a nasty leech and it sucks all of the life and energy right out of me! I can't make a decision 'with certain' to save my life. I am getting married in 3 months. This freaks me out. The wedding itself has been smooth sailing- no effort required. The marriage part - not so smooth. Some people call it cold feet, others call it nerves or some even say it's true feelings rising to the surface. So... which is it? I can't tell what freaks me out most- one person for the next 56 years+, the sacrafice of myself all over again, never having furniture I like or walls painted my favorite colors, not having my own space, the committment, or the right person? I have three weeks to make sure I am for damn sure about the decision I am about to make.
Every day for the past two weeks I have had enough thoughts to begin the book I one day hope to write, however, as soon as I get to paper or to the computer- MS Word or my blog, my hands gets stiff anf my mind goes blank. I all of a sudden cannot express any feeling or thought. What the hell is wrong with me? The people who really know me are probably in shock at my loss for words to express myself. I think so many people in my life are expierencing their own life changing events that nobody seems to available to be "well of advice" or a listening ear. But I also have tried to be a good friend to those I love and try to be helpful with advice and be a good ear. Thank you to my friend Adam, who is one of the only ones who truly knows what is going on in my life right now, calls to check up on me, loves me unconditionally, and at the same time will spill his life drama on me too in fair exchange. And our advice to each other is self less and whole heartedly given.
I am struggling with myself right now. I have "uncertainty" haunt me all throughout the day and even in my dreams. Its like a nasty leech and it sucks all of the life and energy right out of me! I can't make a decision 'with certain' to save my life. I am getting married in 3 months. This freaks me out. The wedding itself has been smooth sailing- no effort required. The marriage part - not so smooth. Some people call it cold feet, others call it nerves or some even say it's true feelings rising to the surface. So... which is it? I can't tell what freaks me out most- one person for the next 56 years+, the sacrafice of myself all over again, never having furniture I like or walls painted my favorite colors, not having my own space, the committment, or the right person? I have three weeks to make sure I am for damn sure about the decision I am about to make.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Is this it?!
Current mood: sad
Is this it? Am I supposed to be getting married to this man? Am I just settling because of all we have gone through? Or because we had Ally together? Am I going to ruin my daughter's life?
Are my friends not listening because they paid for this cruise too?
Is this it? Am I supposed to be getting married to this man? Am I just settling because of all we have gone through? Or because we had Ally together? Am I going to ruin my daughter's life?
Are my friends not listening because they paid for this cruise too?
The Book Hunt
Current mood: cold
I recently just finsished reading "Scar Tissue" - Anthony Kiedis and I have to say hands down, one of the greatest books ever! It could be because I have been on the other side of someone's drug use/ recovery my whole life, and to finally understand the feelings of the disease 'addiction' it puts things into a completely new perspective. So, I took a trip to Barnes and Noble yesterday to find a new book. I went to each section of the store and pulled out a couple books , read details etc... and I could not find a book to pull me in. I want to be inspired, I want the answers to all of my questinons to be written in bold red letters, so all I need to do is open the book, read, and bam! life falls into place. Wishful thinking right?
I recently had an arguement with a certain somebody and he felt the need to throw any words of my own into my face just to be hateful... so from this point forward my blogs and all else will be private, from this person anyway. Who wants their own thoughts to be used against them?
I recently just finsished reading "Scar Tissue" - Anthony Kiedis and I have to say hands down, one of the greatest books ever! It could be because I have been on the other side of someone's drug use/ recovery my whole life, and to finally understand the feelings of the disease 'addiction' it puts things into a completely new perspective. So, I took a trip to Barnes and Noble yesterday to find a new book. I went to each section of the store and pulled out a couple books , read details etc... and I could not find a book to pull me in. I want to be inspired, I want the answers to all of my questinons to be written in bold red letters, so all I need to do is open the book, read, and bam! life falls into place. Wishful thinking right?
I recently had an arguement with a certain somebody and he felt the need to throw any words of my own into my face just to be hateful... so from this point forward my blogs and all else will be private, from this person anyway. Who wants their own thoughts to be used against them?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Current mood: gloomy
Perhaps it's because it's that "time of the month" or perhaps the season is now changing, or that life is changing again. Right when I think I have embraced change- it comes around and smacks me again saying- " I'm back!" I enjoy change, however, it's like becoming comfortable in the bed or on your couch and someone takes your pillow or blanket away- you look around like, "wtf?!" you either don't care, deal with it, throw a fit, or get off your ass to get a new pillow or blanket. I am in the " ugh! are you serious, I really have to get up and get a new pillow or blanket - again?" phase. Once I am up, it won't be a big deal and I may not even lay back down, but it's just at that point. Life is good, I am not complaining ( just expressing) but right now I am in a funk. (again!)
My daughter is in this phase where she only wants her daddy, and I'm chop liver. It doesn't matter that I had carried her in my womb for 9 months or that I nursed her everyday for 6 months, or that I feed, bathe and clothe her... or that i take time to teach her colors, numbers, letters and animals, or that i read to her everyday or tell her I love her and give her hugs and kisses... NOPE.... it's all about her daddy- she is daddy's little girl. I am so thankful that she has a wonderful daddy and that her daddy loves her so much. But I am still hurt and jealous. I am ready to have my boy so he can love his mama!! Actually, I am just kidding, I am not ready for another baby. I have been trying my hardest for so long to lose weight and feel like a 26 year old female again. I am almost there.
Anyway- my job is great and Pittsburgh is wonderful and I have made some great friends that I can talk to. I have Nancy at work, who I totally love and look forward to being with. She and I can share stories and laugh at each other, it's great. And then there is Stephanie who I see only sometimes and we always talk about escaping the mom world for 5 minutes and then we laugh because we both know we can't stand to be away from our kids that long! Then there is Jim and his wife Anna. Jim has been so great to me! He lets me talk about whatever, and he will listen even if he is totally uninterested. (that is always a sign of a good friend) he makes me laugh and I feel totally comfortable around him to be myself. I look forward to seeing him on a daily basis too. But then there are the days when I dont' see Jim, Nancy doesn't work and I don't see or talk to Stephanie. I then begin to miss my friends. I think what I miss, is not just the people, but the opportunity to just go meet after work for coffee and catch up. I have been playing phone tag with Rebekah for over a month now~ and I finally got to talk wth her for maybe 7 minutes.
Ally's birthday is coming up and we are no longer going to California and I miss my family. I miss both my aunt Lisa's. In fact I need them right now at this time in my life. To just sit and talk to... to tell me that all is well, live your dream etc... they both are so good at that. Ally is going to be 2 and so she doesn't need a big party but I'd like to do something more than cake.
My sister who is 17 and pregnant just found out what she is having. She is having a boy. This shoudl be one of the most exciting times in her life, and I have yet to hear from her. Luckily my mom keeps me updated, but I also think my sister knows that I won't knwo what to say. It breaks my heart that she is in the situatinon she is in. She has no idea how hard (not even the word to explain it) raising a baby really is. I mean to really raise a baby- to do it right. To teach them love, consequences and right and wrong. She hasn't even learned those things yet. I just pray that her son will give her a crash course lesson and that her life will turn around and that they will have a chance (both of them) to do something great. My sister has a wonderful heart and fun spirit... she has the ability to change the world, but she has no idea how.
My relationship with Patrick is at a point where the past is actually almost fuzzy. This is a good thing... scratch that.... a NEEDED thing. Not the entire past just the yucky parts. However, the closer it gets to the cruise/wedding, the more I start freaking out- and I think the more calm he gets... I think I am afraid of going through the change I went through after we had Ally. The loss of personal identity.
oh geez, here I go rambling again when I look down at the clock and it is 30 minutes past when I really need to be in bed. We all go to bed early here- it's so necessary! so, goodnight.
Perhaps it's because it's that "time of the month" or perhaps the season is now changing, or that life is changing again. Right when I think I have embraced change- it comes around and smacks me again saying- " I'm back!" I enjoy change, however, it's like becoming comfortable in the bed or on your couch and someone takes your pillow or blanket away- you look around like, "wtf?!" you either don't care, deal with it, throw a fit, or get off your ass to get a new pillow or blanket. I am in the " ugh! are you serious, I really have to get up and get a new pillow or blanket - again?" phase. Once I am up, it won't be a big deal and I may not even lay back down, but it's just at that point. Life is good, I am not complaining ( just expressing) but right now I am in a funk. (again!)
My daughter is in this phase where she only wants her daddy, and I'm chop liver. It doesn't matter that I had carried her in my womb for 9 months or that I nursed her everyday for 6 months, or that I feed, bathe and clothe her... or that i take time to teach her colors, numbers, letters and animals, or that i read to her everyday or tell her I love her and give her hugs and kisses... NOPE.... it's all about her daddy- she is daddy's little girl. I am so thankful that she has a wonderful daddy and that her daddy loves her so much. But I am still hurt and jealous. I am ready to have my boy so he can love his mama!! Actually, I am just kidding, I am not ready for another baby. I have been trying my hardest for so long to lose weight and feel like a 26 year old female again. I am almost there.
Anyway- my job is great and Pittsburgh is wonderful and I have made some great friends that I can talk to. I have Nancy at work, who I totally love and look forward to being with. She and I can share stories and laugh at each other, it's great. And then there is Stephanie who I see only sometimes and we always talk about escaping the mom world for 5 minutes and then we laugh because we both know we can't stand to be away from our kids that long! Then there is Jim and his wife Anna. Jim has been so great to me! He lets me talk about whatever, and he will listen even if he is totally uninterested. (that is always a sign of a good friend) he makes me laugh and I feel totally comfortable around him to be myself. I look forward to seeing him on a daily basis too. But then there are the days when I dont' see Jim, Nancy doesn't work and I don't see or talk to Stephanie. I then begin to miss my friends. I think what I miss, is not just the people, but the opportunity to just go meet after work for coffee and catch up. I have been playing phone tag with Rebekah for over a month now~ and I finally got to talk wth her for maybe 7 minutes.
Ally's birthday is coming up and we are no longer going to California and I miss my family. I miss both my aunt Lisa's. In fact I need them right now at this time in my life. To just sit and talk to... to tell me that all is well, live your dream etc... they both are so good at that. Ally is going to be 2 and so she doesn't need a big party but I'd like to do something more than cake.
My sister who is 17 and pregnant just found out what she is having. She is having a boy. This shoudl be one of the most exciting times in her life, and I have yet to hear from her. Luckily my mom keeps me updated, but I also think my sister knows that I won't knwo what to say. It breaks my heart that she is in the situatinon she is in. She has no idea how hard (not even the word to explain it) raising a baby really is. I mean to really raise a baby- to do it right. To teach them love, consequences and right and wrong. She hasn't even learned those things yet. I just pray that her son will give her a crash course lesson and that her life will turn around and that they will have a chance (both of them) to do something great. My sister has a wonderful heart and fun spirit... she has the ability to change the world, but she has no idea how.
My relationship with Patrick is at a point where the past is actually almost fuzzy. This is a good thing... scratch that.... a NEEDED thing. Not the entire past just the yucky parts. However, the closer it gets to the cruise/wedding, the more I start freaking out- and I think the more calm he gets... I think I am afraid of going through the change I went through after we had Ally. The loss of personal identity.
oh geez, here I go rambling again when I look down at the clock and it is 30 minutes past when I really need to be in bed. We all go to bed early here- it's so necessary! so, goodnight.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Saddle Ridge - Pittsburgh, PA
Current mood: content
So, I have recently met a new friend, by the name of Jim- thanks to the 28K Moon Express. Well, he and his wife Anna took Patrick and I out last Saturday night to dinner at a great bar/restaurant then out dancing at Saddle Ridge, (Pittsburgh's version of Silverados, only 10 times bigger) in Station's Square. We had a great time- and I have been really excited about how cool both Jim and Anna were.
Well, I was very eager to get out o the dance floor- it being over 6 months since I have shakin my booty on the dance floor- They played a bunch of good songs and everyone was line dancing, it was great! Beautiful girls with perfect bodies (yuck!) were dancing tastefully on the bar, and the scenery was great. Oh by the way- they had a mechanical bull!
I finally get brave enough to go onto the dance floor, thinking "I know this song" HA!!!! They do NOT dance the same way here as they do in Nashville. I looked like a damn fool!! I tried, still kept trucking a long- but the people around me weren't really helpful, so I just smiled and pretended like I knew what I was doing... LOL- even though I had no clue! So finally- a familar song- WATERMELON CRAWL!! Now, you can't go wrong with that dance- right? HA! Again- different. Luckily it wasn't too far off, but they do some crazy move when all I learned to do was slide. Anyway- it was pretty funny to me. I was out of my element at a country bar- that was the funny part... hmmm, did I mention that Patrick rode the mechanical bull? hehehe, yeah, he did... and he THREW himself off, he did NOT fall off. So cute!
Anyway- It was a great time with great company- and my first venture out in the wonderful city of Pittsburgh. :)
So, I have recently met a new friend, by the name of Jim- thanks to the 28K Moon Express. Well, he and his wife Anna took Patrick and I out last Saturday night to dinner at a great bar/restaurant then out dancing at Saddle Ridge, (Pittsburgh's version of Silverados, only 10 times bigger) in Station's Square. We had a great time- and I have been really excited about how cool both Jim and Anna were.
Well, I was very eager to get out o the dance floor- it being over 6 months since I have shakin my booty on the dance floor- They played a bunch of good songs and everyone was line dancing, it was great! Beautiful girls with perfect bodies (yuck!) were dancing tastefully on the bar, and the scenery was great. Oh by the way- they had a mechanical bull!
I finally get brave enough to go onto the dance floor, thinking "I know this song" HA!!!! They do NOT dance the same way here as they do in Nashville. I looked like a damn fool!! I tried, still kept trucking a long- but the people around me weren't really helpful, so I just smiled and pretended like I knew what I was doing... LOL- even though I had no clue! So finally- a familar song- WATERMELON CRAWL!! Now, you can't go wrong with that dance- right? HA! Again- different. Luckily it wasn't too far off, but they do some crazy move when all I learned to do was slide. Anyway- it was pretty funny to me. I was out of my element at a country bar- that was the funny part... hmmm, did I mention that Patrick rode the mechanical bull? hehehe, yeah, he did... and he THREW himself off, he did NOT fall off. So cute!
Anyway- It was a great time with great company- and my first venture out in the wonderful city of Pittsburgh. :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Case of the missing hotdog
Current mood: chipper
Last Friday night, my family went to dinner at Max & Erma's. Patrick and I both in the mood for Buffalo chicken, and Ally indecisive, we ordered. We ordered Ally a corndog, logically thinking that the mac and cheese was a bad choice because her shirt was cute and that the hamburger was a bad choice because, again, her shirt was cute. As our food arrived our daughter let out this loud excited growl noise in appreciation of the quick delivery of her food. Excited to see a corndog and fries, she begins face first into her plate. We all start eating, and talking, eating, talking etc.... when, Patrick and I both noticed that Ally had devoured what was in her corndog and half of her french fries! Surprised at her eating so good, we both comment, " Ally, what a great job, you ate all of your hot dog, how about the outside?" She looks down, looks back up again and politely responses, "??Hotdog??" We smile, and say, "sweetie, you ate it. Why don't you finsih eating the outside of the hotdog". Silence..... a few seconds later her arms raise up in the questioning position, she blurts out, "??Hotdog?"...her head tilts, again... "??hotdog??" Totally cute, she asks again in a much more serious tone..."??HOTDOG??" We respond back to her again, "Honey, you ate it; it is in your belly." (Note: children take everything literally) She looks down and lifts up her shirt... "??hotdog??" at this moment Patrick and I cannot hold our laughter in anymore! again, the sweet voice questions..."??hotdog??" she lifts up out of her chair, looks around, lookS underneath the table, and screams out, "??HOTDOG??" Unsure of why the hotdog is not running to her plate, she screams out again, "??HOTDOG!!??" in hysterics, we gently say, "Honey, the hot dog is all gone." She quietly looks around, and as we anxiously await her response, she lets out a big sigh...
.......she must have realized that the hotdog was in fact not missing but was eaten- by Ally herself.
Last Friday night, my family went to dinner at Max & Erma's. Patrick and I both in the mood for Buffalo chicken, and Ally indecisive, we ordered. We ordered Ally a corndog, logically thinking that the mac and cheese was a bad choice because her shirt was cute and that the hamburger was a bad choice because, again, her shirt was cute. As our food arrived our daughter let out this loud excited growl noise in appreciation of the quick delivery of her food. Excited to see a corndog and fries, she begins face first into her plate. We all start eating, and talking, eating, talking etc.... when, Patrick and I both noticed that Ally had devoured what was in her corndog and half of her french fries! Surprised at her eating so good, we both comment, " Ally, what a great job, you ate all of your hot dog, how about the outside?" She looks down, looks back up again and politely responses, "??Hotdog??" We smile, and say, "sweetie, you ate it. Why don't you finsih eating the outside of the hotdog". Silence..... a few seconds later her arms raise up in the questioning position, she blurts out, "??Hotdog?"...her head tilts, again... "??hotdog??" Totally cute, she asks again in a much more serious tone..."??HOTDOG??" We respond back to her again, "Honey, you ate it; it is in your belly." (Note: children take everything literally) She looks down and lifts up her shirt... "??hotdog??" at this moment Patrick and I cannot hold our laughter in anymore! again, the sweet voice questions..."??hotdog??" she lifts up out of her chair, looks around, lookS underneath the table, and screams out, "??HOTDOG??" Unsure of why the hotdog is not running to her plate, she screams out again, "??HOTDOG!!??" in hysterics, we gently say, "Honey, the hot dog is all gone." She quietly looks around, and as we anxiously await her response, she lets out a big sigh...
.......she must have realized that the hotdog was in fact not missing but was eaten- by Ally herself.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
The Day After...
Current mood: cheerful
So, it was my 26th birthday yesterday... It was a low key day, which was nice. On Friday my boss brought me a cake- ordered by his wife from a really great bakery on the south side of Pittsburgh. I can't remember the name at the moment, though. Patrick picked me up from work and brought me flowers. It was such a pretty day outside- 63 degrees! So, yesterday we got up, I had cake for breakfast and opened up my present from Patrick and Ally... they got me an ipod!! We were all excited about it so we spent the day loading our cds onto itunes and downloading songs etc... good times, good times...
For dinner we went to a tropical restruant called Bahama Breeze- great place! It had plam trees, a tiki bar, fish and turtles printed on the seats, good service and great food.
Thank you for those of you who called, emailed, sent ecards or text messaged. I really appreciate the birthday wishes. I was sad because I wouldn't be able to see any of my friends or family, but Patrick and Ally always make my days pretty special.
We were debating to see if my dad would actually call or send a card, I had bets that he wouldn't and Patrick was really hoping he would. But again- he showed true colors. It's unfortunate really.
Thank you to my friends and family... miss you all. See you this summer hopefully!
So, it was my 26th birthday yesterday... It was a low key day, which was nice. On Friday my boss brought me a cake- ordered by his wife from a really great bakery on the south side of Pittsburgh. I can't remember the name at the moment, though. Patrick picked me up from work and brought me flowers. It was such a pretty day outside- 63 degrees! So, yesterday we got up, I had cake for breakfast and opened up my present from Patrick and Ally... they got me an ipod!! We were all excited about it so we spent the day loading our cds onto itunes and downloading songs etc... good times, good times...
For dinner we went to a tropical restruant called Bahama Breeze- great place! It had plam trees, a tiki bar, fish and turtles printed on the seats, good service and great food.
Thank you for those of you who called, emailed, sent ecards or text messaged. I really appreciate the birthday wishes. I was sad because I wouldn't be able to see any of my friends or family, but Patrick and Ally always make my days pretty special.
We were debating to see if my dad would actually call or send a card, I had bets that he wouldn't and Patrick was really hoping he would. But again- he showed true colors. It's unfortunate really.
Thank you to my friends and family... miss you all. See you this summer hopefully!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Missing my friends...
Current mood: thankful
I really miss my friends. Especially my girlfriends. Some I haven't seen in years, others- just a couple of months, but it is just too long. I feel myself not being the same without them physically near.
I miss Dianna, and her music. Ally and I would pack up our stuff, drive to Dianna's, she'd cook dinner usually and we would eat, hang out, talk, and if I was lucky- she'd play for me. There is something about Dianna's music that makes my heart feel relaxed and open. It's written from true feelings and I can relate to every single song somehow. I miss her kitties and how Frannie HATED me! I miss her house, and her cold hardwood floors. I miss our talks about nothing and our talks about "somethings" that I felt like she could only understand. (being a sister Cali girl and all). Dianna, I miss you and I am glad you recorded the new song!
I miss Katielaine. I made a comment to Patrick the other day that I missed living with her. I loved waking up every morning, knowing my hair could be a crazy mess, i could be in a poopy mood, and she would be the sunshine of my morning. She opened me up to so many new ideas and she was the best person to say anything to and do anything with. I miss our friday nights of Jack in Box curly fries with ranch- her a diet coke me, a dr.pepper, atowel down to do our nails, and Legally Blonde playing on our small t.v. We would always feel motivated to do- "something". I miss our weekends at Silverados, I miss her tender soul- she was ALWAYS there, for whatever reason I needed her, she was reachable. When Bun died, she was there as if it was her rabbit, when Patrick and I were going through our "stuff" she was the one who saved her opinion (which killed her, i know) She is the only one who understands my family and loves them like her own. (especially my sister) Katielaine is my family and life is a little rougher not having her bright colorful spirit around.
I miss Adam. I miss seeing him everyday, for whatever reason- even it was just to have a sip of Dr. Pepper. When I was pregnant, he was the most incredible person to be around. he would bring me food at random, telling me to "feed the baby", he would limit my Dr. Pepper intake, (i am telling you, i was addicted to this stuff) he would come over all the time, to help me grocery shop, put something up on the wall, or just keep my company. He was always full of life, stories and drama... it was so great to have a friend that was so much fun and so loving and he appreciated everything! I remember for my birthday, he went to the redneck bar (so he calls it) even when he hates it! just to be with us on my birthday. Though I still talk to Adam throughout the week, I really miss seeing him. That was the great part about our relationship, and even when we didn't work in the mall together, I 'd either go see him or vice versa. You know, he is also so great with Ally, so loving, so thoughtful. He drove all the way out ot Hermitage from Franklin with Naresh just to watch Ally for an hour or two so I could go to my couseling session! That is a true friend!! I miss you Adam.
I miss Nancy. She's my life long forever BFF- a sister for life. I have only seen her a few times over the past few years and we are both terrible about calling. Besides the fact we live on the opposite side of the world and in a completely different time zone, we still manage to keep up our friendship. I miss us just being "us" I miss going to her house and her mom making my favorite Portuguese dish (I can't pronounce it, or I would) We did everything together- EVERYTHING. I miss that. I miss being in the same city. Driving to her house even if it was just for 30 minutes ot see her new shoes or something. Guaranteed though, every time I come home, she makes time to spend every second with me, when I am home. She's apart of my family too. She is apart of the wedding (of course) and so we have been able to talk more lately, and I really wish I had her around these days. Especially right now, going into a marriage (legally anyway) still learning everyday how to be a mom. Nancy was always so grown up, so "matter of fact" and she always tried to do the right thing, and she still does. This girl has a heart of gold. hehehehe, "pom ass"
Of course, I miss so many of my other friends that have been very special to me- Chelsea... one of my first friends in Nashville. We are a couple years apart and started working for the GAP on the same day, this started the bond. Our lives has weeved in and out of each others from time to time, but she and I always managed to stay right on track with each other. She expierenced emotional events in my life with me and vice versa. We reunited again (thanks babygap) and because of our special relationship, the bad things didn't break us. She could always make me laugh and she always brought a smile to my face. She is one of the most ambitious people i have met, and with such a postive personality like she has, it's certainly a lot ot miss.
I won't continue to go on and on, I was sitting here thinking of how much I missed my girlfriends and it brought a tear to my eye. I have the most wonderful friends in the entire world. I couldn't ask for better friends. But I have always been this blessed when it comes to my friends.
Rebekah Rogers is a great example- I can't express how AMAZING she is. Anything she touches becomes beautiful. Rebekah and I met at J. Crew, she was so quiet and just worked diligently in the back- always in men's. I really liked her attitude, always positive and sweet. When I got to know her, I thought, wow- what an incredible human being. I was automatically drawn to her.We became good friends, and just like the other I mentioned before, she always made such an effort to go out of her way. She was so thoughtful and had a huge heart and a love for God. She made you feel good about the world, because she believed in great things. She was one of the first people to show up in the hospital when Ally was born, and she was always there if I needed her. When I got in my car accident, she drove completely out of her way- frequently just to take me home. And didn't complain about it. She accepted me cooking her dinner as a form of payment. I miss being around her, she is always such a delight.
Thank you God for my incredible friends, and my wonderful family
I really miss my friends. Especially my girlfriends. Some I haven't seen in years, others- just a couple of months, but it is just too long. I feel myself not being the same without them physically near.
I miss Dianna, and her music. Ally and I would pack up our stuff, drive to Dianna's, she'd cook dinner usually and we would eat, hang out, talk, and if I was lucky- she'd play for me. There is something about Dianna's music that makes my heart feel relaxed and open. It's written from true feelings and I can relate to every single song somehow. I miss her kitties and how Frannie HATED me! I miss her house, and her cold hardwood floors. I miss our talks about nothing and our talks about "somethings" that I felt like she could only understand. (being a sister Cali girl and all). Dianna, I miss you and I am glad you recorded the new song!
I miss Katielaine. I made a comment to Patrick the other day that I missed living with her. I loved waking up every morning, knowing my hair could be a crazy mess, i could be in a poopy mood, and she would be the sunshine of my morning. She opened me up to so many new ideas and she was the best person to say anything to and do anything with. I miss our friday nights of Jack in Box curly fries with ranch- her a diet coke me, a dr.pepper, atowel down to do our nails, and Legally Blonde playing on our small t.v. We would always feel motivated to do- "something". I miss our weekends at Silverados, I miss her tender soul- she was ALWAYS there, for whatever reason I needed her, she was reachable. When Bun died, she was there as if it was her rabbit, when Patrick and I were going through our "stuff" she was the one who saved her opinion (which killed her, i know) She is the only one who understands my family and loves them like her own. (especially my sister) Katielaine is my family and life is a little rougher not having her bright colorful spirit around.
I miss Adam. I miss seeing him everyday, for whatever reason- even it was just to have a sip of Dr. Pepper. When I was pregnant, he was the most incredible person to be around. he would bring me food at random, telling me to "feed the baby", he would limit my Dr. Pepper intake, (i am telling you, i was addicted to this stuff) he would come over all the time, to help me grocery shop, put something up on the wall, or just keep my company. He was always full of life, stories and drama... it was so great to have a friend that was so much fun and so loving and he appreciated everything! I remember for my birthday, he went to the redneck bar (so he calls it) even when he hates it! just to be with us on my birthday. Though I still talk to Adam throughout the week, I really miss seeing him. That was the great part about our relationship, and even when we didn't work in the mall together, I 'd either go see him or vice versa. You know, he is also so great with Ally, so loving, so thoughtful. He drove all the way out ot Hermitage from Franklin with Naresh just to watch Ally for an hour or two so I could go to my couseling session! That is a true friend!! I miss you Adam.
I miss Nancy. She's my life long forever BFF- a sister for life. I have only seen her a few times over the past few years and we are both terrible about calling. Besides the fact we live on the opposite side of the world and in a completely different time zone, we still manage to keep up our friendship. I miss us just being "us" I miss going to her house and her mom making my favorite Portuguese dish (I can't pronounce it, or I would) We did everything together- EVERYTHING. I miss that. I miss being in the same city. Driving to her house even if it was just for 30 minutes ot see her new shoes or something. Guaranteed though, every time I come home, she makes time to spend every second with me, when I am home. She's apart of my family too. She is apart of the wedding (of course) and so we have been able to talk more lately, and I really wish I had her around these days. Especially right now, going into a marriage (legally anyway) still learning everyday how to be a mom. Nancy was always so grown up, so "matter of fact" and she always tried to do the right thing, and she still does. This girl has a heart of gold. hehehehe, "pom ass"
Of course, I miss so many of my other friends that have been very special to me- Chelsea... one of my first friends in Nashville. We are a couple years apart and started working for the GAP on the same day, this started the bond. Our lives has weeved in and out of each others from time to time, but she and I always managed to stay right on track with each other. She expierenced emotional events in my life with me and vice versa. We reunited again (thanks babygap) and because of our special relationship, the bad things didn't break us. She could always make me laugh and she always brought a smile to my face. She is one of the most ambitious people i have met, and with such a postive personality like she has, it's certainly a lot ot miss.
I won't continue to go on and on, I was sitting here thinking of how much I missed my girlfriends and it brought a tear to my eye. I have the most wonderful friends in the entire world. I couldn't ask for better friends. But I have always been this blessed when it comes to my friends.
Rebekah Rogers is a great example- I can't express how AMAZING she is. Anything she touches becomes beautiful. Rebekah and I met at J. Crew, she was so quiet and just worked diligently in the back- always in men's. I really liked her attitude, always positive and sweet. When I got to know her, I thought, wow- what an incredible human being. I was automatically drawn to her.We became good friends, and just like the other I mentioned before, she always made such an effort to go out of her way. She was so thoughtful and had a huge heart and a love for God. She made you feel good about the world, because she believed in great things. She was one of the first people to show up in the hospital when Ally was born, and she was always there if I needed her. When I got in my car accident, she drove completely out of her way- frequently just to take me home. And didn't complain about it. She accepted me cooking her dinner as a form of payment. I miss being around her, she is always such a delight.
Thank you God for my incredible friends, and my wonderful family
Saturday, January 6, 2007
Escaping Reality
Current mood: depressed
When I was younger I used to love to escape reality. I would watch movies, ride my bike, go for a long walk, or even just go for a drive. As we get older and establish our life (in whichever way that may be) we deal with life so differently. I remember watching movies and being inspired to save the world, take better care of myself, lighten up, learn something new... I would always want to do something great afterwards, and I would change something. It was always the same after the bike ride, the walk or the drive. I would come back more relaxed and inspired to do something.
These days... movies are depressing and they throw in your face the nastiness of the world. Everyone is cussing, having dirty unprotected diseased trampy sex, someone is cheating on someone, people never stay married, kids are screwed up, people like to kill people, etc. The only thing that inspires me to do is hug my baby and never let her out of the house! I no longer have a bike, the motivation to walk, and I have nowhere to drive too.
Remember when you and your group of friends would talk about what you wanted to do with your lives? Someone always wanted to do the impossible, someone always wanted to save the world, someone always wanted to be a nurse or a dr., a teacher, a scientist, a mom, etc... whatever it was. Well, I was lucky enough to have the most faciinating incredible friend sin all the world- and they are all doing what they wanted to do!!! Or they are pretty damn close. I am so proud of them all, but where am I??? I am not doing 1/2 of the things I ever wanted to do, or even still want to do. I am proudly a mommy (something I always wanted) and I moved away from my messy upbringing. So, what now? I have a job I like, that is perfect for me actually but it was never what I inspired to do. You know? Yesterday I met my boss's son. He is my age and he has accomplished extrodinary things! He graduated college several years ago, he moved to NY and now works for one of the biggest Real Estate Companies in the world. Actually it is ranked #2 in the world. (yeah... i know!) It just felt weird him asking me where I went school, why I moved here, etc... I felt so old and wasted away. How am I going to show my daughter all that is out there to live for in the world if I haven't expierenced it?
I have just been in a mental tomb full of sadness the past several months and the bricks keep laying on... eventually this too...shall pass
When I was younger I used to love to escape reality. I would watch movies, ride my bike, go for a long walk, or even just go for a drive. As we get older and establish our life (in whichever way that may be) we deal with life so differently. I remember watching movies and being inspired to save the world, take better care of myself, lighten up, learn something new... I would always want to do something great afterwards, and I would change something. It was always the same after the bike ride, the walk or the drive. I would come back more relaxed and inspired to do something.
These days... movies are depressing and they throw in your face the nastiness of the world. Everyone is cussing, having dirty unprotected diseased trampy sex, someone is cheating on someone, people never stay married, kids are screwed up, people like to kill people, etc. The only thing that inspires me to do is hug my baby and never let her out of the house! I no longer have a bike, the motivation to walk, and I have nowhere to drive too.
Remember when you and your group of friends would talk about what you wanted to do with your lives? Someone always wanted to do the impossible, someone always wanted to save the world, someone always wanted to be a nurse or a dr., a teacher, a scientist, a mom, etc... whatever it was. Well, I was lucky enough to have the most faciinating incredible friend sin all the world- and they are all doing what they wanted to do!!! Or they are pretty damn close. I am so proud of them all, but where am I??? I am not doing 1/2 of the things I ever wanted to do, or even still want to do. I am proudly a mommy (something I always wanted) and I moved away from my messy upbringing. So, what now? I have a job I like, that is perfect for me actually but it was never what I inspired to do. You know? Yesterday I met my boss's son. He is my age and he has accomplished extrodinary things! He graduated college several years ago, he moved to NY and now works for one of the biggest Real Estate Companies in the world. Actually it is ranked #2 in the world. (yeah... i know!) It just felt weird him asking me where I went school, why I moved here, etc... I felt so old and wasted away. How am I going to show my daughter all that is out there to live for in the world if I haven't expierenced it?
I have just been in a mental tomb full of sadness the past several months and the bricks keep laying on... eventually this too...shall pass
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
