Release

Current mood: aggravated

Its always right when I start to feel a calming sensation and i find the desire to take a deep breath and let shit go, however, when i do that- conversations like the one I just had or certain actions occur- WTF?! Is it my sign that things are not 'right'? I mean, as over accomidating and sincere I have been- I get attacked and blamed for negative things in our life. Why poke me with a rusty nail, can you find a warm heart somewhere and trade yours in?? Is this possible? I am with someone who sadly thinks he is GREAT to me, that treats me like dirt and that I am not ever going to be good enough. Oh wait- he did prove I was never good enough 2 years ago-

He writes that I am his world and that he truly loves me and wants to hold me etc... The last time he told me he loved me was in CA, when we went home and it was because I said it first. The last time he hugged me- on his own was Early September maybe and the last time he kissed me on his own and meant it- was... last April. Granite- I haven't been the most affectionate towards him either- but I do try, I am just exhausted from trying to make someone love me. I had done it for three years before we had a child and 2 of those years he spent lying to me and cheating on me... so now, feeling like I will never be good enough, I just want to be loved and to have an affectionate relationship with love. Maybe this isn't possible with him. I do feel trapped- always. We just signed a new lease to a new apartment, that I do love by the way, and I try to think of our family and i deep down desperately want to be in love with him again but I have more hate than I do have love for him. It rushes thorugh my body and I close up and become the negative person he thinks I am. Funny- he is the only one who thinks I am overly negative. I wonder why this is. I am trying my fucking hardest to be happy with who I've got. How do people do it? There is obviosuly no way out for me, but how do you make the best of it, and how do make it ok, to be in a loveless relationship?