Escaping Reality

Current mood: depressed

When I was younger I used to love to escape reality. I would watch movies, ride my bike, go for a long walk, or even just go for a drive. As we get older and establish our life (in whichever way that may be) we deal with life so differently. I remember watching movies and being inspired to save the world, take better care of myself, lighten up, learn something new... I would always want to do something great afterwards, and I would change something. It was always the same after the bike ride, the walk or the drive. I would come back more relaxed and inspired to do something.

These days... movies are depressing and they throw in your face the nastiness of the world. Everyone is cussing, having dirty unprotected diseased trampy sex, someone is cheating on someone, people never stay married, kids are screwed up, people like to kill people, etc. The only thing that inspires me to do is hug my baby and never let her out of the house! I no longer have a bike, the motivation to walk, and I have nowhere to drive too.

Remember when you and your group of friends would talk about what you wanted to do with your lives? Someone always wanted to do the impossible, someone always wanted to save the world, someone always wanted to be a nurse or a dr., a teacher, a scientist, a mom, etc... whatever it was. Well, I was lucky enough to have the most faciinating incredible friend sin all the world- and they are all doing what they wanted to do!!! Or they are pretty damn close. I am so proud of them all, but where am I??? I am not doing 1/2 of the things I ever wanted to do, or even still want to do. I am proudly a mommy (something I always wanted) and I moved away from my messy upbringing. So, what now? I have a job I like, that is perfect for me actually but it was never what I inspired to do. You know? Yesterday I met my boss's son. He is my age and he has accomplished extrodinary things! He graduated college several years ago, he moved to NY and now works for one of the biggest Real Estate Companies in the world. Actually it is ranked #2 in the world. (yeah... i know!) It just felt weird him asking me where I went school, why I moved here, etc... I felt so old and wasted away. How am I going to show my daughter all that is out there to live for in the world if I haven't expierenced it?

I have just been in a mental tomb full of sadness the past several months and the bricks keep laying on... eventually this too...shall pass