Letter to Michael. Letting it go Part 1

Current mood: contemplative

*******Disclaimer*******
This is me letting go of some thoughts, feelings,resentment and carried over hurt, if for some reason you don't think you will be able to read this without throwing it in to my face or using it to hurt me then do not read any further. Thank you!
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Dearest Michael,
heh - or My Michael as I used to call you. I am so sorry for not being honest in what I was feeling which caused me to hurt you. It's important for you to know~ I did not cheat on you or do any of the things you thought I did. I lied about them. Obviously, not realizing how much it would hurt both of us. Why is not important anymore except for the fact of being young and stupid enough to 'test' someone's love for them- Which is what I did. I eventually learned I got the answer I wanted, but didn't realize it because of the mistake I made of not being honest with you. Why did I let you believe that I did anything wrong? WHO does that? ....I did. I left for me, it had nothing to do with you. I was scared in the direction I thought my life was going. After what happened in May of 1999, the way your mom despised my existence, my lack of family support, the drug abuse of my mother, the lack of love for myself - I needed to grow. Unfortunately, that meant leaving my past (ours included) behind. However, I've never been able to let go because you never knew the truth. You and your family believed a lie I never denied. I didn't get a chance to apologize or to tell you how much I truly with all of my heart loved you. It made me happy to hear through the grapevine you have been living out your dream, doing all you wanted to do and now you are getting married. All that I am expressing to you is only something of your past- you obviously moved forward and haven't lost any sleep... but for me to let go of you - I had to let this all go. You will never actually receive this ( i believe you said it best when you said 'please don't ever contact me again') but maybe you will in some other form. I have always loved you Michael. And for the rest of my life I will always be grateful for your heart that you had once given me and you will still always have a piece of mine. Just know that it was because of you I was able to truly be myself. You let me to believe I was loveable and though 'lost'; a good person. And because of your faith in me I was able to move forward in my life and be open to so many new things. After moving to Nashville, I wanted so bad to tell you all about it and hoped that you'd be proud of some of the accomplishments I had made. And I remember your last verbal words to me..."I hope you find what it is you are searching for". Well, since I am being honest here - I was searching for my 'place'. My place in where I fit into all of it. I was totally lost and NO i don't think I am found, settled by any means, but I had found my place in life within myself, and was able to grow into my own person, instead of remaining that sad broken person. But~ I miss you Michael. I miss you all the days in my life. I wish you so many wonderful things in your current and in your future. I hope that when I run into you one day you can smile at me and say hello.
Forever and a day,
Stephanie

P.s. I loved your mom too... I know you didn't think so, I was just so hurt by the way she treated me... but I realized it wasn't necessarily about me- it was her having a hard time letting you go and being protective. I don't blame her at all. In fact, I used to pray for her in hopes she'd forgive what happened and not continue to hold ill feelings towards me.

Letting it go

Current mood: quixotic

It's time for me to let shit go, each balloon represents an emotion. Today, this week, this month I have decided I will focus on resentment and anger. No particular event, just many that have gathered together in my heart and soul to throw their pitty party. PARTY IS OVER folks! Get the hell out!

Rules for Friendships?

Current mood: stressed

Really?

I find myself wondering ~ when or where there is a friendship rule book?! Isn’t the beauty of true friendships the acceptance of someone no matter the Idiosyncrasies?! Granted ~ there is a certain level of respect that should be given and received, however, I believe this is where making friendship rules do not apply. Everyone can raise their hands and say ’yeah I have a flaky friend, or the one that talks only of themselves, the selfish friend, the overly depressed one, the crazed, the ditzy, the one who is too busy for anything etc.’ In fact - I have a few friends with the above mentioned traits as I myself carry some of these from time to time. Currently, right now- TOTAL memory lapse, seriously- I have been forgetting things almost instantly. (At work it’s terrible, but that is besides the point- I blame the medication) Also, I find myself being the overly busy/depressed- hence the meds. LOL Anyhow, I get irritated with myself constantly because I am trying SO hard to make time for my friends, family, work, and my little family here in PA, especially my active toddler. I am learning that I am terrible at spreading myself out so thin and this is causing not only me but my friends to be frustrated with me. I am very sorry.

Even my bestest friends - because they are equally as busy we never talk on the phone, I truly miss them. There is constant phone tag. We have to plan to make phone dates. This works well- when both parties can have the time, which sometimes is not the case. Email and myspace have worked great, since I can access myspace and email from work. Although, there are weeks like last week- I still have yet to respond to my mom via email and/or talk with Chelsea- I am in her wedding for cryin’ out loud! And I post this blog to release so I can get back to my load of work.

Anyway – my confusion took place as soon as I was told that there were rules to friendship. Friends should understand. I do understand having an expectation, but be mindful that you are not the only one demanding the attention and efforts too. Just because I am overwhelmed in life doesn’t mean I don’t care about you and just because I can’t drop my work or what I am doing at that moment, doesn’t mean what you have to say is not important. I always call back- maybe not right away, but I do, especially if it is important.

My heart hurts knowing I cannot be the friend you expect me to be. Please keep in mind, I am also trying to be the mom, the girlfriend, the daughter, the sister, the cousin, the aunt, the employee, the co-worker, the grandaughter, the bridesmaid, the supporter, myself and most of all a friend..

Smiles of Appreciation

Current mood: blessed

Yesterday was such a ridiculously gorgeous day... yeah ok... so I clearly have been on the east coast too long- because though the sun was out yesterday it still was a high of 40 degrees. However, my spirit felt comforted and my heart felt full. It was a great Easter Sunday. I do have to mention, I was sad we were not able to be with our families or friends, but the three of us had each other- our little family.

Our family is so special though... we are very close knit and i think that will very positive for Ally in her future.

Anyway- Patrick has been visiting a church (Hilltop Baptist Church) that he was referred to by a co-worker- which I truly believe was one of his answered prayers because the timing was impeccable.

He felt at home almost immediately. So after several weeks of inviting me to go with him- we all went together for a special Good Friday service. I left that place in a whole new light. Not ’oh my goodness, my life is now changed’, but my spirit felt comforted and I felt so happy to have everything I have in my life. I looked at Patrick and looked at Ally, and thought to myself. My life is incredible. I am so extremely blessed in so many ways- why have I had such a tough time seeing it? Of course, I have always put Ally on her pedistol, but somethings I just let pass me by. Yesterday I was talking to someone very special in my life, Lorianne, and as I was telling her how much we all wanted to move home, (we truly do) I said without any thought... ’Pittsburgh is great though- we love our jobs, Ally loves her school, things are really good’ and they truly are. Just recently we were able to relieve ourselves of some lingering debt and now a huge stress has been lifted off of our shoulders. The relief helps to appreciate things as well. And I do have to give my medication a lot of credit too. hehehe, I laugh, but seriously... my medication ( or my happy pills as my family calls it) truly has taken a load of tension off, and it’s almost as if the fog is clear and the path is lined with beautiful flowers (gerber daisies of course!)... now- everything is not perfect- as some people think medication may be... OH NO! I am just saying that- the medication is kicking in and many prayers are being answered. On that note- please don’t forget to say thank you when you pray. To appreciate all the wonderful things you do have in your life; is detrimental.

As a side note... if you can include in your prayers please.... pray for my little cousin Jonathan who just survived a painful 5.5 hour surgery and for The Elliston Family- who I admire for their ongoing strength as a family. And please also include my aunt Anita and my cousin Alex for the new challenges that may soon to come.

Consente di attraversare

Current mood: imaginative

'Let's Cross Over'... I have finally finished the book 'Eat, Pray, Love' recommended by more than a few of my friends, but strongly suggested by Katielaine. And so - THANK YOU!

For those of you who have not read this book ~ you are missing out on an entirely different outlook that could possibly change your life in one way or another. I believe that no matter what challange we all are currently going through, that there is some personal insight within this book. You can relate to Liz (the writer) the way you can relate to your best friend. There is that unspoken understanding and appreciation for her struggles and her humor. You find yourself living within her expierences and just as she had- learning how to make peace with yourself, and appreciating every single person that she had come into contact with.

Of course, there is that part of us as a reader you immediately want to do as she did- take a year off to travel to the most incredible places, but because we all aren't writers (thought we'd like to be) and have a chunk of money to spare - the exact expierence may not be in the works, however, I do feel like we all should be able to, if we want, to go on our own journey even if it's still in our own town. Every person you come into contact with has some purpose in your life as well as you in theirs, even if it was just for 5 minutes, or maybe for three months or even if they become a permanent friend... be open to those ~ you never know who may enter your life at the right moment and help change you in a way you never thought possible. or.... maybe a book you read or a song you hear ~ be open. Open your heart to the possibility of something new.

Beginning of an End

Current mood: exhausted

The beginning of an end always seems to be more difficult than the 'end of the beginning' Events in life seem to happen in phases, sections, or chapters. We all know that at one point the phase, section or chapter must end to move on to another one. Usually positive, there are those times when the negative twists it all around and creates a 'sub' phase; if you will. When you begin a new relationship- all is exciting, butterflies, dates, dinners (if you are lucky!)(I will explain later) etc. Then the 'new' phase ends and another great one starts- the intimate life discussions, the doings with friends, family events, vacations, so on and so forth… same with life, friendships, family, school, jobs- you name it. So, here I am in the beginning of the end of my 'relationship' though it seems to have been at the end point for so long, I guess the process that needed to happen- didn't begin until now. I wonder why things happen when they do and how we lack control of how we feel and how life just 'happens'. When you begin something new, the great thing about it being 'new' is that you have no idea what it will bring all you can be sure of is how you feel at that moment. Most times, I guess in my experience, we try to control our feelings to make things happen a certain way. Sometimes, you just have to let go in order for things to happen. Once I did this- let go of my need for control- the ugly truth reared its ugly head. However, I welcomed her. She needed to be seen, be heard and be noticed.
When you care about someone you don't want them to hurt or feel alone, so, when did I stop caring about myself. I had abandoned myself for what I thought was going to be worth the fight. I can't dwell on the past- however- the past, especially in this situation molds us for whom we are in and out of our relationships.
It breaks away at the numbness and begins to burn to know that I am the reason for someone's hurt. Then there is the other part of me that can't understand why it took 5 years to begin feeling this way when I gave everything of myself and it was trampled on as if it was worth nothing. There was always something or someone better… and I know I can't take all the fault for that, but why wasn't I ever worth it? Why wasn't I worth it to myself? I allowed my self to be disrespected, treated unloving and I STILL gave it what I could. What was left of me…? And now – I have nothing to give – my fire is almost out.
Of course, not all was negative. I loved this person with everything I had and we created someone together so wonderful- we both never knew that it was possible to love that much, until Ally came along. She is worth the tears, the effort and the heart ache. And I do believe everything happens for a reason, I can't have any regrets.
So, we both know it's now at the official end. There have been many opportunities for us to end it, and honestly, we should have, but again- all things happen for a reason. In the beginning of this phase is the hardest because you doubt every feeling you have, every thought you my have and you transform in survival mode. And before you get there, your heart breaks a little more each day. Today, I can honestly say, my heart can no longer be broken by him, the damage was already done; too many times. My heart had already begun the healing process a long while ago and I do believe that is why I am certain this is what needs to happen. My heart will no longer feel any of those feelings felt before and my heart will not allow him in or to hurt me ever again. I have to believe that there is a person that makes your heart smile – and you should settle for nothing less. And now it is time to take my own advice - For me, my well being, my heart and most of all for my daughter. How am I supposed to teach her to follow her heart, her dreams and to believe in herself, if I can't lead by example?
It's just so heavy of an emotion to drag out this phase, and again… the beginning is always the most difficult.
I am just so lucky to be blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and I am very thankful for those who truly love me to believe I am doing the right thing. I have been given the advice of "stay if it works" and I struggled with that. I still do. Am I really supposed to be unhappy for the rest of my life and barely 'live' just because it 'works'?? I already feel like I have been doing that...

Going into 2009

Current mood: contemplative

I may be a little bit late on the resolution band wagon, but i was so unsure of what I truly wanted to change or work on this year- and stick with it. In most cases, people make resolutions and break them as quick as March because they are treated like Diet - the temporary fix. I have a bad habit of this... On that note, that could be my resolution too, hmm, I may secretly add that to my mental list. .... 'noted'....

There are three main focuses I want to better in 2009.

1. Family - I want to start a journal of all the wonderful amazing moments that we share with Ally. Each night and each morning, I wish i would find the time to Blog about all the funny things she says or the amazing way she makes me feel, and how tremendously blessed we are to have received her from God.

2. Health - Yeah on an honest level, I NEED and truly want to lose weight, but I decided that I'm tired of figuring out what "diet" will work or what I will 'give up' to lose weight. I'm giving up all of those feelings and am going to focus on just being healthy. I've started off by finally after years of saying I would; made an appt with my doctor to get my thyroid checked among other things. Those of you who know me - this is a big deal. The fact that blood has to be drawn was the only reason I have refused to go see a doctor. I have Patrick to make sure I go... I don't eat terribly, but I am also in spurts. I answer my cravings for the most part but not with enough discipline. If I crave corn nuts, instead of enjoying a handful, I'm going to enjoy the entire bag, even when I know I've had enough. In the summer of 2007 when I became a vegetarian, I felt incredible. I ate vegetables and fruits, organic pastas and nothing that was made with any sort of animal product. I lost weight, felt healthier and was really excited about it, but it was so expensive and trying to feed my family and myself because such a challenge, so after a year (maybe less than), I gave up on myself. So- here goes... day by day, meal by meal. And - I need to find something I love to stay active. Anyone in the Pittsburgh want to watch Ally on Monday nights for free so I can take dance again???

3. Spirit - I expect my relationship with God to grow and I want him to use me to live out his will. I want my relationship with Patrick to grow together to begin our marriage in the way a marriage should be... full of love, blessings and the desire to grow closer together as a couple, as a family and to God. I want to give more of myself and make more selfless sacrifices for my family and not have the selfish attitude that overrides those actions. Most of all, I want to be the mother my daughter looks up to and the person my husband falls in love with a little bit more everyday.

I've learned from 2008 that life WILL in fact surprise you, if you pray, you WILL get answers, that people take relationship and special friendships for granted. Time is the most important thing you can give - give it to your family, but don't forget about your friends... they deserve your time too.