A Gentle Reflection

Current mood: contemplative

Looking back on the year of 2007… it's amazing how much happens and doesn't happen in a year. A year ago today- I was living in PA but at a different address, with different neighbors and even driving a different vehicle. Aww, the Nissan, may she rest in peace.

Last year was the year Patrick and I called off the wedding. Though we told people we postponed it; I still do not see a wedding for Patrick and me at all in the future. It was a tough time and our feelings of desperation took completely over; desperate to love, desperate to make it work and desperate to receive a sign of what to do, or even desperate to make a decision- on anything. I think I have received so many signs that I spend most of time convincing myself to see past the obvious and try to still try and make it work. It is true- that after a while when you deny yourself of your true feelings- you do become numb. Your heart can no longer feel anything because you blocked it from its truly original feelings. I still question- what classifies as the 'right thing to do'? The decision to deny your heart but settle in the life that was given to you and try to make the best of it, or do you follow your heart's desire even if it hurts, with the uncertainty of the chance things may be screwed up for a while?


There was a point in time where I was certain of my feelings and that my decision was the right one- and my love was pure and heartfelt. I guess there just is that moment when you realize you cannot trust them; you no longer have anything else to give. Forgiveness is more than just a difficult task- it's close to impossible when your heart has been broken and let down over and over again. However, I found it easier to forgive the act of betrayal, but what I cannot let go of; the rejection of my heart and the betrayal of my trust. Sometimes- it is just too late. There has to be a time when you say 'enough is enough'. Although, our lives are completely past the point of where they were… my heart cannot go backwards. As I try to move forward- I begin to drift away. I hate it when he says I haven't tried… I have been trying for the past 3 years to work though it as a family and by myself and we have even tried as a couple.

I have learned that though you can love someone and have a life with them; it will not work unless you give your love whole heartedly.

I have my heart sealed under safe protection as of yet and as far as I see it- there is someone who is deserving of it- somewhere out there. I just don't know yet.
Alexandria has grown tremendously this past year- I watched a short video slip from Easter, when my mom came to visit, and I teared up- Ally was still somewhat bald, barely talking, and still just a baby. I look at her now; she's such a big girl, so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so grown. She likes to dress herself, brush her own teeth, she talks constantly, and she is very independent and her imagination and creativity just amazes me. I think of how blessed I truly am ~ to be the mommy of such a wonderful child. I do want more children in my future; I just hope life works out that way.

I am extremely thankful for the friends who have stayed in my life. My best girlfriends are still very much my best girlfriends and I have even been lucky enough this year to get back in touch with those who were great friends of my past. Kelly Norris is a great example~ it's like we picked up right where we left off and she has been the words of wisdom, the insight for direction and all together a wonderful friend.

I miss Katielaine, Dianna, Nancy, Adam and Chelsea an awful lot, but thankfully we make it work by staying in touch as frequently as possible.
2008 will bring great things, I know it will. Even numbered years are usually the most life changing for me. Not extremely positive but usually the most 'change'.
I will be spending all of next week back home in Sacramento for some very special birthdays and hopefully just extra time with family and friends. It's just Ally and I going, so it'll be interesting. I will be celebrating my 27th birthday in March! I am hoping to plan a trip- maybe NY, DC, Gettysburg or something. (To all my friends- please plan a trip with me!) In June I will a bridesmaid in Chelsea's wedding- which I am super excited about- (Especially since Patrick and I introduced them!) They totally deserve each other.
Ally will be 3 years old at the end of June… wow, 3 years old!

HMMM… I wonder what other great things will come in 2008.

In Shower Marketing

So...I'm in the shower soaking in my overly hot water, letting the steam fill up around me. First, I always wash my face, secondly, I brush my teeth (don't laugh~ but i feel 100% clean when I step out of the shower- thank you Acacia, 7th grade). Ok, so I then reach my arm up to grab my shampoo. Like most girls, I have different shampoos/conditioners that are for different purposes; such as: curly/wavy hair, mositurizing, super straight, the smell good kind, etc, etc... I grab my Herbal Essences Totally Twisted, Curls & Waves shampoo. As I pour the glob in my hand, (my hair is way too thick and long for the money sized amounts) a caption catches my eye~ "Herbal HEAD games" it was called. Hmmm, Intriguing...~~~I read on... " what percent of women wear the wrong bra size?" Below in small print it says, 'find out on Totally Twisted conditioner'.

WOW! I mean, wow!... they (marketers) take the time to create shampoo trivia for your shampooing pleasure while in the shower?? Naturally, I wanted to know the answer, so Luckily, I also have the Totally Twisted conditoner. But... lets say you don't... do you go to the store in hopes to purchase that exact mate just to retrieve your shampoo trivia? Wow~ we are all being 'sold' to.

Anyway ladies, the answer is 60%. 60% of all women wear the wrong size bra.

......thank you herbal essences I have anew wrinkle in my brain, as well as a good time in the shower. I at least got a good laugh.

P.S. All of their shampoo/conditoner products have this trivia box- I looked.

Life REALLY is full of laughs

Current mood: contemplative

I just finished reading Jenny McCarthy's book, "Life Laughs". When I was pregnant I read her "Belly Laughs" book too, and it was a riot! I didn't know what to think of Jenny before I read her books, because I thought she was a beautiful, sexy, crude, nasty, bitch. Well, come to find out- she really is all those things- except the nasty bitch part. lol… I read her books and I feel like she is a mirrored image of me and what I feel. She makes me laugh after each chapter- I would stop and think- Holy Crap, this is me, and probably every other girl in the world. She began to talk about life in general, than life in a marriage or serious relationship- both which I can relate to, than life as a mother- again- more that i can relate to. Then she talks about her divorce and her reasons for it- OH MY GOSH- she is saying exactly how I feel. EXACTLY- IN fact she wrote exactly what I wrote myself on a piece of paper last week. Is this a sign?Then she writes about being a single mother… and her fears of being alone and dating again. I read this book in one sitting; I bought it yesterday, started this evening and just finished 30 minutes ago. I felt like I was laughing with a friend, I felt understood… when really I understood her! I think more of Jenny now realizing she is human and REAL just like the rest of us, and so what if she is totally sexy and gorgeous- she has her insecurities too and she revs you up to be more confident. Thank you Jenny!!!

I have all the answers I want and I know what I have to do, but I feel so overly alone in my world right now, that I am choosing to not listen to my heart and do what is the laziest. Why do we do this to ourselves? One of my best girlfriends has been there lately to help me express my real feelings and she has no idea that she is giving me much needed advice. BUT- I don't know what to do with it- I am the person I hate to be right now. I have fabulous people in my life why can't I find my own strength within these people? And what about my family- would they be supportive?

Unable to sleep...

Current mood: awake

it still haunts me, years later... life would be sooo different if I just would've followed my instinct years ago. He should have stayed with her... we all would've been much happier. However, I am sooo thankful for Ally. She is my blessing out of the whole thing. But I just can't let my heart open up. It's still sooo broken and so far away from being healed or even patched up. The wounds are still sore and they bleed- often.

I CAN'T even have a physical relationship with him because I feel the ripping of my heart all over again, My body then closes up and goes numb. I also close my eyes and I see her touching his hair like she'd do in front of me and I'd see him with her- all over again. My body then cringes. I feel nasty- ME! So- needless to say- I hate being physical or intimate... which anyone knows- it's not me. Maybe counseling will help? Third times a charm- right?

Conversation with ’Self’

Current mood: sick

!!Self!!...In my opinion, you shouldn't give up because your falling behind, more reason to go and say, 'ok, so I haven't been doing what I am supposed to, but I made a commitment to myself and I will not let myself down'….

(Me not keeping my commitment to myself of eating better, working out, staying positive etc...)

....I can understand how difficult it is sometimes to just stay in control. Because with other life decisions we are formed to believe that we are NOT in control God is, but we are in control of how we treat the body God is letting us use….

And I have to think…. Why do we not want to take good care of our bodies that we are so kindly lent to our whole lives. It's rude to say ' screw it' God, I don't care about your perfect making of me, I am going to destroy it by eating crap, burning my skin, doing drugs, smoking, manipulating myself etc'… ok, so I have gone too far but you get my point. I feel so guilty sometimes when I treat my body badly…. God gave this body to me for me to take care of and here I am treating it badly… Like when I drink a glass or two of wine… I am drying out my body and making my poor organs work a lot harder than they need to or worse off, I take medicine to corrupt my poor body's natural healing process!!!!!! Ugh… anyway.. now my body is getting back at me- I am sick….. for not being nice to my body.


Sorry I get carried away…. I wish I was a perfect example of what I believe but I am learning.


Hot Tea is my best friend these days. It's good for the body, your organs and for your soul.

Release

Current mood: aggravated

Its always right when I start to feel a calming sensation and i find the desire to take a deep breath and let shit go, however, when i do that- conversations like the one I just had or certain actions occur- WTF?! Is it my sign that things are not 'right'? I mean, as over accomidating and sincere I have been- I get attacked and blamed for negative things in our life. Why poke me with a rusty nail, can you find a warm heart somewhere and trade yours in?? Is this possible? I am with someone who sadly thinks he is GREAT to me, that treats me like dirt and that I am not ever going to be good enough. Oh wait- he did prove I was never good enough 2 years ago-

He writes that I am his world and that he truly loves me and wants to hold me etc... The last time he told me he loved me was in CA, when we went home and it was because I said it first. The last time he hugged me- on his own was Early September maybe and the last time he kissed me on his own and meant it- was... last April. Granite- I haven't been the most affectionate towards him either- but I do try, I am just exhausted from trying to make someone love me. I had done it for three years before we had a child and 2 of those years he spent lying to me and cheating on me... so now, feeling like I will never be good enough, I just want to be loved and to have an affectionate relationship with love. Maybe this isn't possible with him. I do feel trapped- always. We just signed a new lease to a new apartment, that I do love by the way, and I try to think of our family and i deep down desperately want to be in love with him again but I have more hate than I do have love for him. It rushes thorugh my body and I close up and become the negative person he thinks I am. Funny- he is the only one who thinks I am overly negative. I wonder why this is. I am trying my fucking hardest to be happy with who I've got. How do people do it? There is obviosuly no way out for me, but how do you make the best of it, and how do make it ok, to be in a loveless relationship?

Another Year

Current mood: hopeful

Another year...

So, we have lived in Pittsburgh for a year now. It's so crazy to think it was just a year ago we moved here and then to realize- wow, we have been gone from Nashville a long time. I believe we have all felt the emptiness of not having our family and friends but somehow we managed. And here we go again- moving AGAIN. Except we are staying in Pittsburgh, just moving in to another apartment, we need more space! So, we found a great apartment that we hope to enjoy enough to call it 'Home'. Although, the relationship between Patrick and I is just demolished. I find it hard to even be in the same room without feeling/receiving negative feelings. It's emotinally exhausting. We don't really know what to do. I look at it as another year... having a child together makes everything we do so difficult. Self Sacrafice- we want what is best for Ally. I see couples all the time survive but then I also see 'broken' families. Patrick likes to blame me all the time, saying it's always my fault for our relationship being negative (dead). ( He seems to forget that he is the one who cheated, he is the non -affectionate, self centered, arrogant, LAZY one) He also makes it very clear that if I break the family up he will make sure Ally knows it is my fault. He is right- it IS my fault.... for giving it another try, for trusting in him again, for believing it could work after the trust being demolished, it is my fault for giving him my heart in the first place. But- Ally won't understand that and I certainly don't expect her to, but I need her to know she comes first in my life.

This next year will be tough, but I feel a little bit better about myself since I moved here. I don't have a group of friends or anything, but I have met so many wonderful people- time will tell what will come of those. My job is good and my relationship with my boss is great. I have his support no matter what I want to do. (That is a great thing to have- professionally and emotionally) Ally is very happy here as well. She LOVES her school, her teachers, and her friends and I feel very comfortable where she is at. She is safe and she is getting an early start on her education.

.....................................to another year here in Pittsburgh!...............I am going to make it a great one. No matter what.