Current mood: exhausted
The beginning of an end always seems to be more difficult than the 'end of the beginning' Events in life seem to happen in phases, sections, or chapters. We all know that at one point the phase, section or chapter must end to move on to another one. Usually positive, there are those times when the negative twists it all around and creates a 'sub' phase; if you will. When you begin a new relationship- all is exciting, butterflies, dates, dinners (if you are lucky!)(I will explain later) etc. Then the 'new' phase ends and another great one starts- the intimate life discussions, the doings with friends, family events, vacations, so on and so forth… same with life, friendships, family, school, jobs- you name it. So, here I am in the beginning of the end of my 'relationship' though it seems to have been at the end point for so long, I guess the process that needed to happen- didn't begin until now. I wonder why things happen when they do and how we lack control of how we feel and how life just 'happens'. When you begin something new, the great thing about it being 'new' is that you have no idea what it will bring all you can be sure of is how you feel at that moment. Most times, I guess in my experience, we try to control our feelings to make things happen a certain way. Sometimes, you just have to let go in order for things to happen. Once I did this- let go of my need for control- the ugly truth reared its ugly head. However, I welcomed her. She needed to be seen, be heard and be noticed.
When you care about someone you don't want them to hurt or feel alone, so, when did I stop caring about myself. I had abandoned myself for what I thought was going to be worth the fight. I can't dwell on the past- however- the past, especially in this situation molds us for whom we are in and out of our relationships.
It breaks away at the numbness and begins to burn to know that I am the reason for someone's hurt. Then there is the other part of me that can't understand why it took 5 years to begin feeling this way when I gave everything of myself and it was trampled on as if it was worth nothing. There was always something or someone better… and I know I can't take all the fault for that, but why wasn't I ever worth it? Why wasn't I worth it to myself? I allowed my self to be disrespected, treated unloving and I STILL gave it what I could. What was left of me…? And now – I have nothing to give – my fire is almost out.
Of course, not all was negative. I loved this person with everything I had and we created someone together so wonderful- we both never knew that it was possible to love that much, until Ally came along. She is worth the tears, the effort and the heart ache. And I do believe everything happens for a reason, I can't have any regrets.
So, we both know it's now at the official end. There have been many opportunities for us to end it, and honestly, we should have, but again- all things happen for a reason. In the beginning of this phase is the hardest because you doubt every feeling you have, every thought you my have and you transform in survival mode. And before you get there, your heart breaks a little more each day. Today, I can honestly say, my heart can no longer be broken by him, the damage was already done; too many times. My heart had already begun the healing process a long while ago and I do believe that is why I am certain this is what needs to happen. My heart will no longer feel any of those feelings felt before and my heart will not allow him in or to hurt me ever again. I have to believe that there is a person that makes your heart smile – and you should settle for nothing less. And now it is time to take my own advice - For me, my well being, my heart and most of all for my daughter. How am I supposed to teach her to follow her heart, her dreams and to believe in herself, if I can't lead by example?
It's just so heavy of an emotion to drag out this phase, and again… the beginning is always the most difficult.
I am just so lucky to be blessed with so many wonderful people in my life and I am very thankful for those who truly love me to believe I am doing the right thing. I have been given the advice of "stay if it works" and I struggled with that. I still do. Am I really supposed to be unhappy for the rest of my life and barely 'live' just because it 'works'?? I already feel like I have been doing that...
Monday, January 21, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Going into 2009
Current mood: contemplative
I may be a little bit late on the resolution band wagon, but i was so unsure of what I truly wanted to change or work on this year- and stick with it. In most cases, people make resolutions and break them as quick as March because they are treated like Diet - the temporary fix. I have a bad habit of this... On that note, that could be my resolution too, hmm, I may secretly add that to my mental list. .... 'noted'....
There are three main focuses I want to better in 2009.
1. Family - I want to start a journal of all the wonderful amazing moments that we share with Ally. Each night and each morning, I wish i would find the time to Blog about all the funny things she says or the amazing way she makes me feel, and how tremendously blessed we are to have received her from God.
2. Health - Yeah on an honest level, I NEED and truly want to lose weight, but I decided that I'm tired of figuring out what "diet" will work or what I will 'give up' to lose weight. I'm giving up all of those feelings and am going to focus on just being healthy. I've started off by finally after years of saying I would; made an appt with my doctor to get my thyroid checked among other things. Those of you who know me - this is a big deal. The fact that blood has to be drawn was the only reason I have refused to go see a doctor. I have Patrick to make sure I go... I don't eat terribly, but I am also in spurts. I answer my cravings for the most part but not with enough discipline. If I crave corn nuts, instead of enjoying a handful, I'm going to enjoy the entire bag, even when I know I've had enough. In the summer of 2007 when I became a vegetarian, I felt incredible. I ate vegetables and fruits, organic pastas and nothing that was made with any sort of animal product. I lost weight, felt healthier and was really excited about it, but it was so expensive and trying to feed my family and myself because such a challenge, so after a year (maybe less than), I gave up on myself. So- here goes... day by day, meal by meal. And - I need to find something I love to stay active. Anyone in the Pittsburgh want to watch Ally on Monday nights for free so I can take dance again???
3. Spirit - I expect my relationship with God to grow and I want him to use me to live out his will. I want my relationship with Patrick to grow together to begin our marriage in the way a marriage should be... full of love, blessings and the desire to grow closer together as a couple, as a family and to God. I want to give more of myself and make more selfless sacrifices for my family and not have the selfish attitude that overrides those actions. Most of all, I want to be the mother my daughter looks up to and the person my husband falls in love with a little bit more everyday.
I've learned from 2008 that life WILL in fact surprise you, if you pray, you WILL get answers, that people take relationship and special friendships for granted. Time is the most important thing you can give - give it to your family, but don't forget about your friends... they deserve your time too.
I may be a little bit late on the resolution band wagon, but i was so unsure of what I truly wanted to change or work on this year- and stick with it. In most cases, people make resolutions and break them as quick as March because they are treated like Diet - the temporary fix. I have a bad habit of this... On that note, that could be my resolution too, hmm, I may secretly add that to my mental list. .... 'noted'....
There are three main focuses I want to better in 2009.
1. Family - I want to start a journal of all the wonderful amazing moments that we share with Ally. Each night and each morning, I wish i would find the time to Blog about all the funny things she says or the amazing way she makes me feel, and how tremendously blessed we are to have received her from God.
2. Health - Yeah on an honest level, I NEED and truly want to lose weight, but I decided that I'm tired of figuring out what "diet" will work or what I will 'give up' to lose weight. I'm giving up all of those feelings and am going to focus on just being healthy. I've started off by finally after years of saying I would; made an appt with my doctor to get my thyroid checked among other things. Those of you who know me - this is a big deal. The fact that blood has to be drawn was the only reason I have refused to go see a doctor. I have Patrick to make sure I go... I don't eat terribly, but I am also in spurts. I answer my cravings for the most part but not with enough discipline. If I crave corn nuts, instead of enjoying a handful, I'm going to enjoy the entire bag, even when I know I've had enough. In the summer of 2007 when I became a vegetarian, I felt incredible. I ate vegetables and fruits, organic pastas and nothing that was made with any sort of animal product. I lost weight, felt healthier and was really excited about it, but it was so expensive and trying to feed my family and myself because such a challenge, so after a year (maybe less than), I gave up on myself. So- here goes... day by day, meal by meal. And - I need to find something I love to stay active. Anyone in the Pittsburgh want to watch Ally on Monday nights for free so I can take dance again???
3. Spirit - I expect my relationship with God to grow and I want him to use me to live out his will. I want my relationship with Patrick to grow together to begin our marriage in the way a marriage should be... full of love, blessings and the desire to grow closer together as a couple, as a family and to God. I want to give more of myself and make more selfless sacrifices for my family and not have the selfish attitude that overrides those actions. Most of all, I want to be the mother my daughter looks up to and the person my husband falls in love with a little bit more everyday.
I've learned from 2008 that life WILL in fact surprise you, if you pray, you WILL get answers, that people take relationship and special friendships for granted. Time is the most important thing you can give - give it to your family, but don't forget about your friends... they deserve your time too.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
A Gentle Reflection
Current mood: contemplative
Looking back on the year of 2007… it's amazing how much happens and doesn't happen in a year. A year ago today- I was living in PA but at a different address, with different neighbors and even driving a different vehicle. Aww, the Nissan, may she rest in peace.
Last year was the year Patrick and I called off the wedding. Though we told people we postponed it; I still do not see a wedding for Patrick and me at all in the future. It was a tough time and our feelings of desperation took completely over; desperate to love, desperate to make it work and desperate to receive a sign of what to do, or even desperate to make a decision- on anything. I think I have received so many signs that I spend most of time convincing myself to see past the obvious and try to still try and make it work. It is true- that after a while when you deny yourself of your true feelings- you do become numb. Your heart can no longer feel anything because you blocked it from its truly original feelings. I still question- what classifies as the 'right thing to do'? The decision to deny your heart but settle in the life that was given to you and try to make the best of it, or do you follow your heart's desire even if it hurts, with the uncertainty of the chance things may be screwed up for a while?
There was a point in time where I was certain of my feelings and that my decision was the right one- and my love was pure and heartfelt. I guess there just is that moment when you realize you cannot trust them; you no longer have anything else to give. Forgiveness is more than just a difficult task- it's close to impossible when your heart has been broken and let down over and over again. However, I found it easier to forgive the act of betrayal, but what I cannot let go of; the rejection of my heart and the betrayal of my trust. Sometimes- it is just too late. There has to be a time when you say 'enough is enough'. Although, our lives are completely past the point of where they were… my heart cannot go backwards. As I try to move forward- I begin to drift away. I hate it when he says I haven't tried… I have been trying for the past 3 years to work though it as a family and by myself and we have even tried as a couple.
I have learned that though you can love someone and have a life with them; it will not work unless you give your love whole heartedly.
I have my heart sealed under safe protection as of yet and as far as I see it- there is someone who is deserving of it- somewhere out there. I just don't know yet.
Alexandria has grown tremendously this past year- I watched a short video slip from Easter, when my mom came to visit, and I teared up- Ally was still somewhat bald, barely talking, and still just a baby. I look at her now; she's such a big girl, so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so grown. She likes to dress herself, brush her own teeth, she talks constantly, and she is very independent and her imagination and creativity just amazes me. I think of how blessed I truly am ~ to be the mommy of such a wonderful child. I do want more children in my future; I just hope life works out that way.
I am extremely thankful for the friends who have stayed in my life. My best girlfriends are still very much my best girlfriends and I have even been lucky enough this year to get back in touch with those who were great friends of my past. Kelly Norris is a great example~ it's like we picked up right where we left off and she has been the words of wisdom, the insight for direction and all together a wonderful friend.
I miss Katielaine, Dianna, Nancy, Adam and Chelsea an awful lot, but thankfully we make it work by staying in touch as frequently as possible.
2008 will bring great things, I know it will. Even numbered years are usually the most life changing for me. Not extremely positive but usually the most 'change'.
I will be spending all of next week back home in Sacramento for some very special birthdays and hopefully just extra time with family and friends. It's just Ally and I going, so it'll be interesting. I will be celebrating my 27th birthday in March! I am hoping to plan a trip- maybe NY, DC, Gettysburg or something. (To all my friends- please plan a trip with me!) In June I will a bridesmaid in Chelsea's wedding- which I am super excited about- (Especially since Patrick and I introduced them!) They totally deserve each other.
Ally will be 3 years old at the end of June… wow, 3 years old!
HMMM… I wonder what other great things will come in 2008.
Looking back on the year of 2007… it's amazing how much happens and doesn't happen in a year. A year ago today- I was living in PA but at a different address, with different neighbors and even driving a different vehicle. Aww, the Nissan, may she rest in peace.
Last year was the year Patrick and I called off the wedding. Though we told people we postponed it; I still do not see a wedding for Patrick and me at all in the future. It was a tough time and our feelings of desperation took completely over; desperate to love, desperate to make it work and desperate to receive a sign of what to do, or even desperate to make a decision- on anything. I think I have received so many signs that I spend most of time convincing myself to see past the obvious and try to still try and make it work. It is true- that after a while when you deny yourself of your true feelings- you do become numb. Your heart can no longer feel anything because you blocked it from its truly original feelings. I still question- what classifies as the 'right thing to do'? The decision to deny your heart but settle in the life that was given to you and try to make the best of it, or do you follow your heart's desire even if it hurts, with the uncertainty of the chance things may be screwed up for a while?
There was a point in time where I was certain of my feelings and that my decision was the right one- and my love was pure and heartfelt. I guess there just is that moment when you realize you cannot trust them; you no longer have anything else to give. Forgiveness is more than just a difficult task- it's close to impossible when your heart has been broken and let down over and over again. However, I found it easier to forgive the act of betrayal, but what I cannot let go of; the rejection of my heart and the betrayal of my trust. Sometimes- it is just too late. There has to be a time when you say 'enough is enough'. Although, our lives are completely past the point of where they were… my heart cannot go backwards. As I try to move forward- I begin to drift away. I hate it when he says I haven't tried… I have been trying for the past 3 years to work though it as a family and by myself and we have even tried as a couple.
I have learned that though you can love someone and have a life with them; it will not work unless you give your love whole heartedly.
I have my heart sealed under safe protection as of yet and as far as I see it- there is someone who is deserving of it- somewhere out there. I just don't know yet.
Alexandria has grown tremendously this past year- I watched a short video slip from Easter, when my mom came to visit, and I teared up- Ally was still somewhat bald, barely talking, and still just a baby. I look at her now; she's such a big girl, so beautiful, so smart, so funny, and so grown. She likes to dress herself, brush her own teeth, she talks constantly, and she is very independent and her imagination and creativity just amazes me. I think of how blessed I truly am ~ to be the mommy of such a wonderful child. I do want more children in my future; I just hope life works out that way.
I am extremely thankful for the friends who have stayed in my life. My best girlfriends are still very much my best girlfriends and I have even been lucky enough this year to get back in touch with those who were great friends of my past. Kelly Norris is a great example~ it's like we picked up right where we left off and she has been the words of wisdom, the insight for direction and all together a wonderful friend.
I miss Katielaine, Dianna, Nancy, Adam and Chelsea an awful lot, but thankfully we make it work by staying in touch as frequently as possible.
2008 will bring great things, I know it will. Even numbered years are usually the most life changing for me. Not extremely positive but usually the most 'change'.
I will be spending all of next week back home in Sacramento for some very special birthdays and hopefully just extra time with family and friends. It's just Ally and I going, so it'll be interesting. I will be celebrating my 27th birthday in March! I am hoping to plan a trip- maybe NY, DC, Gettysburg or something. (To all my friends- please plan a trip with me!) In June I will a bridesmaid in Chelsea's wedding- which I am super excited about- (Especially since Patrick and I introduced them!) They totally deserve each other.
Ally will be 3 years old at the end of June… wow, 3 years old!
HMMM… I wonder what other great things will come in 2008.
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