Current mood: contemplative
I just finished reading Jenny McCarthy's book, "Life Laughs". When I was pregnant I read her "Belly Laughs" book too, and it was a riot! I didn't know what to think of Jenny before I read her books, because I thought she was a beautiful, sexy, crude, nasty, bitch. Well, come to find out- she really is all those things- except the nasty bitch part. lol… I read her books and I feel like she is a mirrored image of me and what I feel. She makes me laugh after each chapter- I would stop and think- Holy Crap, this is me, and probably every other girl in the world. She began to talk about life in general, than life in a marriage or serious relationship- both which I can relate to, than life as a mother- again- more that i can relate to. Then she talks about her divorce and her reasons for it- OH MY GOSH- she is saying exactly how I feel. EXACTLY- IN fact she wrote exactly what I wrote myself on a piece of paper last week. Is this a sign?Then she writes about being a single mother… and her fears of being alone and dating again. I read this book in one sitting; I bought it yesterday, started this evening and just finished 30 minutes ago. I felt like I was laughing with a friend, I felt understood… when really I understood her! I think more of Jenny now realizing she is human and REAL just like the rest of us, and so what if she is totally sexy and gorgeous- she has her insecurities too and she revs you up to be more confident. Thank you Jenny!!!
I have all the answers I want and I know what I have to do, but I feel so overly alone in my world right now, that I am choosing to not listen to my heart and do what is the laziest. Why do we do this to ourselves? One of my best girlfriends has been there lately to help me express my real feelings and she has no idea that she is giving me much needed advice. BUT- I don't know what to do with it- I am the person I hate to be right now. I have fabulous people in my life why can't I find my own strength within these people? And what about my family- would they be supportive?
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Unable to sleep...
Current mood: awake
it still haunts me, years later... life would be sooo different if I just would've followed my instinct years ago. He should have stayed with her... we all would've been much happier. However, I am sooo thankful for Ally. She is my blessing out of the whole thing. But I just can't let my heart open up. It's still sooo broken and so far away from being healed or even patched up. The wounds are still sore and they bleed- often.
I CAN'T even have a physical relationship with him because I feel the ripping of my heart all over again, My body then closes up and goes numb. I also close my eyes and I see her touching his hair like she'd do in front of me and I'd see him with her- all over again. My body then cringes. I feel nasty- ME! So- needless to say- I hate being physical or intimate... which anyone knows- it's not me. Maybe counseling will help? Third times a charm- right?
it still haunts me, years later... life would be sooo different if I just would've followed my instinct years ago. He should have stayed with her... we all would've been much happier. However, I am sooo thankful for Ally. She is my blessing out of the whole thing. But I just can't let my heart open up. It's still sooo broken and so far away from being healed or even patched up. The wounds are still sore and they bleed- often.
I CAN'T even have a physical relationship with him because I feel the ripping of my heart all over again, My body then closes up and goes numb. I also close my eyes and I see her touching his hair like she'd do in front of me and I'd see him with her- all over again. My body then cringes. I feel nasty- ME! So- needless to say- I hate being physical or intimate... which anyone knows- it's not me. Maybe counseling will help? Third times a charm- right?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Conversation with ’Self’
Current mood: sick
!!Self!!...In my opinion, you shouldn't give up because your falling behind, more reason to go and say, 'ok, so I haven't been doing what I am supposed to, but I made a commitment to myself and I will not let myself down'….
(Me not keeping my commitment to myself of eating better, working out, staying positive etc...)
....I can understand how difficult it is sometimes to just stay in control. Because with other life decisions we are formed to believe that we are NOT in control God is, but we are in control of how we treat the body God is letting us use….
And I have to think…. Why do we not want to take good care of our bodies that we are so kindly lent to our whole lives. It's rude to say ' screw it' God, I don't care about your perfect making of me, I am going to destroy it by eating crap, burning my skin, doing drugs, smoking, manipulating myself etc'… ok, so I have gone too far but you get my point. I feel so guilty sometimes when I treat my body badly…. God gave this body to me for me to take care of and here I am treating it badly… Like when I drink a glass or two of wine… I am drying out my body and making my poor organs work a lot harder than they need to or worse off, I take medicine to corrupt my poor body's natural healing process!!!!!! Ugh… anyway.. now my body is getting back at me- I am sick….. for not being nice to my body.
Sorry I get carried away…. I wish I was a perfect example of what I believe but I am learning.
Hot Tea is my best friend these days. It's good for the body, your organs and for your soul.
!!Self!!...In my opinion, you shouldn't give up because your falling behind, more reason to go and say, 'ok, so I haven't been doing what I am supposed to, but I made a commitment to myself and I will not let myself down'….
(Me not keeping my commitment to myself of eating better, working out, staying positive etc...)
....I can understand how difficult it is sometimes to just stay in control. Because with other life decisions we are formed to believe that we are NOT in control God is, but we are in control of how we treat the body God is letting us use….
And I have to think…. Why do we not want to take good care of our bodies that we are so kindly lent to our whole lives. It's rude to say ' screw it' God, I don't care about your perfect making of me, I am going to destroy it by eating crap, burning my skin, doing drugs, smoking, manipulating myself etc'… ok, so I have gone too far but you get my point. I feel so guilty sometimes when I treat my body badly…. God gave this body to me for me to take care of and here I am treating it badly… Like when I drink a glass or two of wine… I am drying out my body and making my poor organs work a lot harder than they need to or worse off, I take medicine to corrupt my poor body's natural healing process!!!!!! Ugh… anyway.. now my body is getting back at me- I am sick….. for not being nice to my body.
Sorry I get carried away…. I wish I was a perfect example of what I believe but I am learning.
Hot Tea is my best friend these days. It's good for the body, your organs and for your soul.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Release
Current mood: aggravated
Its always right when I start to feel a calming sensation and i find the desire to take a deep breath and let shit go, however, when i do that- conversations like the one I just had or certain actions occur- WTF?! Is it my sign that things are not 'right'? I mean, as over accomidating and sincere I have been- I get attacked and blamed for negative things in our life. Why poke me with a rusty nail, can you find a warm heart somewhere and trade yours in?? Is this possible? I am with someone who sadly thinks he is GREAT to me, that treats me like dirt and that I am not ever going to be good enough. Oh wait- he did prove I was never good enough 2 years ago-
He writes that I am his world and that he truly loves me and wants to hold me etc... The last time he told me he loved me was in CA, when we went home and it was because I said it first. The last time he hugged me- on his own was Early September maybe and the last time he kissed me on his own and meant it- was... last April. Granite- I haven't been the most affectionate towards him either- but I do try, I am just exhausted from trying to make someone love me. I had done it for three years before we had a child and 2 of those years he spent lying to me and cheating on me... so now, feeling like I will never be good enough, I just want to be loved and to have an affectionate relationship with love. Maybe this isn't possible with him. I do feel trapped- always. We just signed a new lease to a new apartment, that I do love by the way, and I try to think of our family and i deep down desperately want to be in love with him again but I have more hate than I do have love for him. It rushes thorugh my body and I close up and become the negative person he thinks I am. Funny- he is the only one who thinks I am overly negative. I wonder why this is. I am trying my fucking hardest to be happy with who I've got. How do people do it? There is obviosuly no way out for me, but how do you make the best of it, and how do make it ok, to be in a loveless relationship?
Its always right when I start to feel a calming sensation and i find the desire to take a deep breath and let shit go, however, when i do that- conversations like the one I just had or certain actions occur- WTF?! Is it my sign that things are not 'right'? I mean, as over accomidating and sincere I have been- I get attacked and blamed for negative things in our life. Why poke me with a rusty nail, can you find a warm heart somewhere and trade yours in?? Is this possible? I am with someone who sadly thinks he is GREAT to me, that treats me like dirt and that I am not ever going to be good enough. Oh wait- he did prove I was never good enough 2 years ago-
He writes that I am his world and that he truly loves me and wants to hold me etc... The last time he told me he loved me was in CA, when we went home and it was because I said it first. The last time he hugged me- on his own was Early September maybe and the last time he kissed me on his own and meant it- was... last April. Granite- I haven't been the most affectionate towards him either- but I do try, I am just exhausted from trying to make someone love me. I had done it for three years before we had a child and 2 of those years he spent lying to me and cheating on me... so now, feeling like I will never be good enough, I just want to be loved and to have an affectionate relationship with love. Maybe this isn't possible with him. I do feel trapped- always. We just signed a new lease to a new apartment, that I do love by the way, and I try to think of our family and i deep down desperately want to be in love with him again but I have more hate than I do have love for him. It rushes thorugh my body and I close up and become the negative person he thinks I am. Funny- he is the only one who thinks I am overly negative. I wonder why this is. I am trying my fucking hardest to be happy with who I've got. How do people do it? There is obviosuly no way out for me, but how do you make the best of it, and how do make it ok, to be in a loveless relationship?
Monday, October 22, 2007
Another Year
Current mood: hopeful
Another year...
So, we have lived in Pittsburgh for a year now. It's so crazy to think it was just a year ago we moved here and then to realize- wow, we have been gone from Nashville a long time. I believe we have all felt the emptiness of not having our family and friends but somehow we managed. And here we go again- moving AGAIN. Except we are staying in Pittsburgh, just moving in to another apartment, we need more space! So, we found a great apartment that we hope to enjoy enough to call it 'Home'. Although, the relationship between Patrick and I is just demolished. I find it hard to even be in the same room without feeling/receiving negative feelings. It's emotinally exhausting. We don't really know what to do. I look at it as another year... having a child together makes everything we do so difficult. Self Sacrafice- we want what is best for Ally. I see couples all the time survive but then I also see 'broken' families. Patrick likes to blame me all the time, saying it's always my fault for our relationship being negative (dead). ( He seems to forget that he is the one who cheated, he is the non -affectionate, self centered, arrogant, LAZY one) He also makes it very clear that if I break the family up he will make sure Ally knows it is my fault. He is right- it IS my fault.... for giving it another try, for trusting in him again, for believing it could work after the trust being demolished, it is my fault for giving him my heart in the first place. But- Ally won't understand that and I certainly don't expect her to, but I need her to know she comes first in my life.
This next year will be tough, but I feel a little bit better about myself since I moved here. I don't have a group of friends or anything, but I have met so many wonderful people- time will tell what will come of those. My job is good and my relationship with my boss is great. I have his support no matter what I want to do. (That is a great thing to have- professionally and emotionally) Ally is very happy here as well. She LOVES her school, her teachers, and her friends and I feel very comfortable where she is at. She is safe and she is getting an early start on her education.
.....................................to another year here in Pittsburgh!...............I am going to make it a great one. No matter what.
Another year...
So, we have lived in Pittsburgh for a year now. It's so crazy to think it was just a year ago we moved here and then to realize- wow, we have been gone from Nashville a long time. I believe we have all felt the emptiness of not having our family and friends but somehow we managed. And here we go again- moving AGAIN. Except we are staying in Pittsburgh, just moving in to another apartment, we need more space! So, we found a great apartment that we hope to enjoy enough to call it 'Home'. Although, the relationship between Patrick and I is just demolished. I find it hard to even be in the same room without feeling/receiving negative feelings. It's emotinally exhausting. We don't really know what to do. I look at it as another year... having a child together makes everything we do so difficult. Self Sacrafice- we want what is best for Ally. I see couples all the time survive but then I also see 'broken' families. Patrick likes to blame me all the time, saying it's always my fault for our relationship being negative (dead). ( He seems to forget that he is the one who cheated, he is the non -affectionate, self centered, arrogant, LAZY one) He also makes it very clear that if I break the family up he will make sure Ally knows it is my fault. He is right- it IS my fault.... for giving it another try, for trusting in him again, for believing it could work after the trust being demolished, it is my fault for giving him my heart in the first place. But- Ally won't understand that and I certainly don't expect her to, but I need her to know she comes first in my life.
This next year will be tough, but I feel a little bit better about myself since I moved here. I don't have a group of friends or anything, but I have met so many wonderful people- time will tell what will come of those. My job is good and my relationship with my boss is great. I have his support no matter what I want to do. (That is a great thing to have- professionally and emotionally) Ally is very happy here as well. She LOVES her school, her teachers, and her friends and I feel very comfortable where she is at. She is safe and she is getting an early start on her education.
.....................................to another year here in Pittsburgh!...............I am going to make it a great one. No matter what.
Monday, October 8, 2007
California
Current mood: lonely
This past month was a great month for me, I was able to do one of the things I love best- travel. I always feel free when I travel whether it be by boat, car, train or plane. However, though I feel free, there is ALWAYS a load of stress just because it is what it is...
Mid-September, the three of us- Patrick, Ally & I- took a trip back to my home town (Sacramento, CA). This overall was a great trip for so many reasons. I was able to spend quality time with my mama, both sets of grandparents and got to sorta catch up with my cousin of the cousins- Lillian.
It's amazing how life changes so dramatically when you leave a place, and how it also somehow amazingly stays the same. My family was the same, the city was the same, and the weather was even the same. But because I have been gone so long- it wasn't. I didn't feel like that person that I was before, and I was awfully glad I wasn't but instead of being happy where I am in life- I got frustrated. My family didn't see that I was different or could even tell how much I had grown emotionally over the past 7 years. I had left on my own 7 years ago- without any help from any of them. And still- I felt judged. My grandfather, who I have always admired spoke maybe a few words to me and completely hurt my feelings. My aunts have always been amazing- and I hope to grow up and be just like all of them- in some shape or form. Spending time with my grandma Jetta is always encouraging. She is so uplifting and so positive and so heartfelt and loving. My grandfather on the otherhand, couldn't be more opposite. It's funny how relationships turn out. Yet, my grandmother loved the man with all of her heart and because she is the way she is- she sees the postive in him. He is a great man, he just likes to be by himself in his own house. On our CA trip, we were able to spend some adult time with Lori, Steve, Tyler, Greg and my BFF Nancy. We went to San fransisco. Just being there was relaxation, and spending time with people, who at that moment I realized how much I truly have missed them.
On our last day in CA- the weather was poopy and I found myself feeling liek the weather was discribing the way I felt- tired, exhausted and sad that I was leaving. Fortunately, I got to see my brother play soccer! I was so excited to see him play because When I was in high school and lived at home, he lived with his mom and we never spent time together, and so he never really knew how much I totally loved him, so here was my chance to let him know I am his biggest fan.
We also made it to my brother's bday party- a soccer party of course. Where I wa sable to spend more time with family and my friend Eric and his beautiful fiance came by too! The entire time I felt like I didn't get enough time with anyone, so I felt so torn. But either way- it was sooo great to see them.
I didn't mention my sister- but when we saw her, she was about to pop- and never did. Her baby finally came last Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007. :)
I really enjoyed my girls dinner with Nancy, Kelly, Kendra and Patrick ( hehehe , I know he is not a girl but he was still there) I wish I had pictures to show you how wonderful of a time it was, but I don't. It was so great to catch up with all of them on what they are doing these days. Kelly is still as gorgeous if not more than she has ever been, she looked sooo happy and I felt pleased to see her in that state. She deserves all the great things she now has. Kendra hadn't changed a bit- still funny and full of laughable drama. It's weird to go back and think of how we all became friends. Kendra turned out just the way I thought she would- successful, happy and still never settling for 2nd best. My Nancy- I know I always miss her, but it's amazing how we can go over a year or so without seeing each other and talking not as often as we should and everything between us remains the same, if not more. She and I still share the same love we always have its just stronger now- being in her house brought back so many memories and it was a comfort to know, that not much has changed. I just wished we lived closer.
Ally had a wonderful time too, and believe it or not, for a two year old- Ally did great on the LONG plane ride to and from. She makes me so proud.
This past month was a great month for me, I was able to do one of the things I love best- travel. I always feel free when I travel whether it be by boat, car, train or plane. However, though I feel free, there is ALWAYS a load of stress just because it is what it is...
Mid-September, the three of us- Patrick, Ally & I- took a trip back to my home town (Sacramento, CA). This overall was a great trip for so many reasons. I was able to spend quality time with my mama, both sets of grandparents and got to sorta catch up with my cousin of the cousins- Lillian.
It's amazing how life changes so dramatically when you leave a place, and how it also somehow amazingly stays the same. My family was the same, the city was the same, and the weather was even the same. But because I have been gone so long- it wasn't. I didn't feel like that person that I was before, and I was awfully glad I wasn't but instead of being happy where I am in life- I got frustrated. My family didn't see that I was different or could even tell how much I had grown emotionally over the past 7 years. I had left on my own 7 years ago- without any help from any of them. And still- I felt judged. My grandfather, who I have always admired spoke maybe a few words to me and completely hurt my feelings. My aunts have always been amazing- and I hope to grow up and be just like all of them- in some shape or form. Spending time with my grandma Jetta is always encouraging. She is so uplifting and so positive and so heartfelt and loving. My grandfather on the otherhand, couldn't be more opposite. It's funny how relationships turn out. Yet, my grandmother loved the man with all of her heart and because she is the way she is- she sees the postive in him. He is a great man, he just likes to be by himself in his own house. On our CA trip, we were able to spend some adult time with Lori, Steve, Tyler, Greg and my BFF Nancy. We went to San fransisco. Just being there was relaxation, and spending time with people, who at that moment I realized how much I truly have missed them.
On our last day in CA- the weather was poopy and I found myself feeling liek the weather was discribing the way I felt- tired, exhausted and sad that I was leaving. Fortunately, I got to see my brother play soccer! I was so excited to see him play because When I was in high school and lived at home, he lived with his mom and we never spent time together, and so he never really knew how much I totally loved him, so here was my chance to let him know I am his biggest fan.
We also made it to my brother's bday party- a soccer party of course. Where I wa sable to spend more time with family and my friend Eric and his beautiful fiance came by too! The entire time I felt like I didn't get enough time with anyone, so I felt so torn. But either way- it was sooo great to see them.
I didn't mention my sister- but when we saw her, she was about to pop- and never did. Her baby finally came last Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007. :)
I really enjoyed my girls dinner with Nancy, Kelly, Kendra and Patrick ( hehehe , I know he is not a girl but he was still there) I wish I had pictures to show you how wonderful of a time it was, but I don't. It was so great to catch up with all of them on what they are doing these days. Kelly is still as gorgeous if not more than she has ever been, she looked sooo happy and I felt pleased to see her in that state. She deserves all the great things she now has. Kendra hadn't changed a bit- still funny and full of laughable drama. It's weird to go back and think of how we all became friends. Kendra turned out just the way I thought she would- successful, happy and still never settling for 2nd best. My Nancy- I know I always miss her, but it's amazing how we can go over a year or so without seeing each other and talking not as often as we should and everything between us remains the same, if not more. She and I still share the same love we always have its just stronger now- being in her house brought back so many memories and it was a comfort to know, that not much has changed. I just wished we lived closer.
Ally had a wonderful time too, and believe it or not, for a two year old- Ally did great on the LONG plane ride to and from. She makes me so proud.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Happiness is...
Current mood: calm
There was a time in 2004 that I made a gift with a piece of canvas and a couple of slaps of paint and named it ' happiness is' the painting was of 'us'. My happiness was being with him. To me- us together was so special.
I wonder how i let myself feel so hurt. People hurt us and we hurt people in life- its inevitable. We are human, so why do we choose what we can forgive and get over and what we don't? Our parents screw up so many times and only sometimes do we scream ' I have had enough' before we write them off or close them out. Same with our friends and our love relationships. No matter what type of relationship, hurt is hurt.
Patrick and I both have hurt each other, for so many stupid reasons- no doubt. Could it be because we were young and so damn confused about where we both were? I guess that could be one of those things we dwell on forever, but I am just so ready to give up the hurt. It hurts so much because I let it ( at this point). I do have to say there are so many types of hurtful pains and some definately hurt more than others... And each situation of forgiveness is different. God forgives everybody for everything, so why are we as humans to difficult to forgive?
I think to how I feel at the end of the day ( as my old roomie and BFF always asked/told me) ... she always said to reference that 'it's all how you feel at the end of the day'... at the end of the day, though sometimes I may feel sad, lonely, hurt, mad or whatever, I love Patrick whole-heartedly and we have a family and I have to think that all the previous challeneges should've destroyed us by now if they were going to. Are we denying it or are we not allowing greatness to take over?
There was a time in 2004 that I made a gift with a piece of canvas and a couple of slaps of paint and named it ' happiness is' the painting was of 'us'. My happiness was being with him. To me- us together was so special.
I wonder how i let myself feel so hurt. People hurt us and we hurt people in life- its inevitable. We are human, so why do we choose what we can forgive and get over and what we don't? Our parents screw up so many times and only sometimes do we scream ' I have had enough' before we write them off or close them out. Same with our friends and our love relationships. No matter what type of relationship, hurt is hurt.
Patrick and I both have hurt each other, for so many stupid reasons- no doubt. Could it be because we were young and so damn confused about where we both were? I guess that could be one of those things we dwell on forever, but I am just so ready to give up the hurt. It hurts so much because I let it ( at this point). I do have to say there are so many types of hurtful pains and some definately hurt more than others... And each situation of forgiveness is different. God forgives everybody for everything, so why are we as humans to difficult to forgive?
I think to how I feel at the end of the day ( as my old roomie and BFF always asked/told me) ... she always said to reference that 'it's all how you feel at the end of the day'... at the end of the day, though sometimes I may feel sad, lonely, hurt, mad or whatever, I love Patrick whole-heartedly and we have a family and I have to think that all the previous challeneges should've destroyed us by now if they were going to. Are we denying it or are we not allowing greatness to take over?
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