Current mood: contemplative
I just finished reading Jenny McCarthy's book, "Life Laughs". When I was pregnant I read her "Belly Laughs" book too, and it was a riot! I didn't know what to think of Jenny before I read her books, because I thought she was a beautiful, sexy, crude, nasty, bitch. Well, come to find out- she really is all those things- except the nasty bitch part. lol… I read her books and I feel like she is a mirrored image of me and what I feel. She makes me laugh after each chapter- I would stop and think- Holy Crap, this is me, and probably every other girl in the world. She began to talk about life in general, than life in a marriage or serious relationship- both which I can relate to, than life as a mother- again- more that i can relate to. Then she talks about her divorce and her reasons for it- OH MY GOSH- she is saying exactly how I feel. EXACTLY- IN fact she wrote exactly what I wrote myself on a piece of paper last week. Is this a sign?Then she writes about being a single mother… and her fears of being alone and dating again. I read this book in one sitting; I bought it yesterday, started this evening and just finished 30 minutes ago. I felt like I was laughing with a friend, I felt understood… when really I understood her! I think more of Jenny now realizing she is human and REAL just like the rest of us, and so what if she is totally sexy and gorgeous- she has her insecurities too and she revs you up to be more confident. Thank you Jenny!!!
I have all the answers I want and I know what I have to do, but I feel so overly alone in my world right now, that I am choosing to not listen to my heart and do what is the laziest. Why do we do this to ourselves? One of my best girlfriends has been there lately to help me express my real feelings and she has no idea that she is giving me much needed advice. BUT- I don't know what to do with it- I am the person I hate to be right now. I have fabulous people in my life why can't I find my own strength within these people? And what about my family- would they be supportive?
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Unable to sleep...
Current mood: awake
it still haunts me, years later... life would be sooo different if I just would've followed my instinct years ago. He should have stayed with her... we all would've been much happier. However, I am sooo thankful for Ally. She is my blessing out of the whole thing. But I just can't let my heart open up. It's still sooo broken and so far away from being healed or even patched up. The wounds are still sore and they bleed- often.
I CAN'T even have a physical relationship with him because I feel the ripping of my heart all over again, My body then closes up and goes numb. I also close my eyes and I see her touching his hair like she'd do in front of me and I'd see him with her- all over again. My body then cringes. I feel nasty- ME! So- needless to say- I hate being physical or intimate... which anyone knows- it's not me. Maybe counseling will help? Third times a charm- right?
it still haunts me, years later... life would be sooo different if I just would've followed my instinct years ago. He should have stayed with her... we all would've been much happier. However, I am sooo thankful for Ally. She is my blessing out of the whole thing. But I just can't let my heart open up. It's still sooo broken and so far away from being healed or even patched up. The wounds are still sore and they bleed- often.
I CAN'T even have a physical relationship with him because I feel the ripping of my heart all over again, My body then closes up and goes numb. I also close my eyes and I see her touching his hair like she'd do in front of me and I'd see him with her- all over again. My body then cringes. I feel nasty- ME! So- needless to say- I hate being physical or intimate... which anyone knows- it's not me. Maybe counseling will help? Third times a charm- right?
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Conversation with ’Self’
Current mood: sick
!!Self!!...In my opinion, you shouldn't give up because your falling behind, more reason to go and say, 'ok, so I haven't been doing what I am supposed to, but I made a commitment to myself and I will not let myself down'….
(Me not keeping my commitment to myself of eating better, working out, staying positive etc...)
....I can understand how difficult it is sometimes to just stay in control. Because with other life decisions we are formed to believe that we are NOT in control God is, but we are in control of how we treat the body God is letting us use….
And I have to think…. Why do we not want to take good care of our bodies that we are so kindly lent to our whole lives. It's rude to say ' screw it' God, I don't care about your perfect making of me, I am going to destroy it by eating crap, burning my skin, doing drugs, smoking, manipulating myself etc'… ok, so I have gone too far but you get my point. I feel so guilty sometimes when I treat my body badly…. God gave this body to me for me to take care of and here I am treating it badly… Like when I drink a glass or two of wine… I am drying out my body and making my poor organs work a lot harder than they need to or worse off, I take medicine to corrupt my poor body's natural healing process!!!!!! Ugh… anyway.. now my body is getting back at me- I am sick….. for not being nice to my body.
Sorry I get carried away…. I wish I was a perfect example of what I believe but I am learning.
Hot Tea is my best friend these days. It's good for the body, your organs and for your soul.
!!Self!!...In my opinion, you shouldn't give up because your falling behind, more reason to go and say, 'ok, so I haven't been doing what I am supposed to, but I made a commitment to myself and I will not let myself down'….
(Me not keeping my commitment to myself of eating better, working out, staying positive etc...)
....I can understand how difficult it is sometimes to just stay in control. Because with other life decisions we are formed to believe that we are NOT in control God is, but we are in control of how we treat the body God is letting us use….
And I have to think…. Why do we not want to take good care of our bodies that we are so kindly lent to our whole lives. It's rude to say ' screw it' God, I don't care about your perfect making of me, I am going to destroy it by eating crap, burning my skin, doing drugs, smoking, manipulating myself etc'… ok, so I have gone too far but you get my point. I feel so guilty sometimes when I treat my body badly…. God gave this body to me for me to take care of and here I am treating it badly… Like when I drink a glass or two of wine… I am drying out my body and making my poor organs work a lot harder than they need to or worse off, I take medicine to corrupt my poor body's natural healing process!!!!!! Ugh… anyway.. now my body is getting back at me- I am sick….. for not being nice to my body.
Sorry I get carried away…. I wish I was a perfect example of what I believe but I am learning.
Hot Tea is my best friend these days. It's good for the body, your organs and for your soul.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Release
Current mood: aggravated
Its always right when I start to feel a calming sensation and i find the desire to take a deep breath and let shit go, however, when i do that- conversations like the one I just had or certain actions occur- WTF?! Is it my sign that things are not 'right'? I mean, as over accomidating and sincere I have been- I get attacked and blamed for negative things in our life. Why poke me with a rusty nail, can you find a warm heart somewhere and trade yours in?? Is this possible? I am with someone who sadly thinks he is GREAT to me, that treats me like dirt and that I am not ever going to be good enough. Oh wait- he did prove I was never good enough 2 years ago-
He writes that I am his world and that he truly loves me and wants to hold me etc... The last time he told me he loved me was in CA, when we went home and it was because I said it first. The last time he hugged me- on his own was Early September maybe and the last time he kissed me on his own and meant it- was... last April. Granite- I haven't been the most affectionate towards him either- but I do try, I am just exhausted from trying to make someone love me. I had done it for three years before we had a child and 2 of those years he spent lying to me and cheating on me... so now, feeling like I will never be good enough, I just want to be loved and to have an affectionate relationship with love. Maybe this isn't possible with him. I do feel trapped- always. We just signed a new lease to a new apartment, that I do love by the way, and I try to think of our family and i deep down desperately want to be in love with him again but I have more hate than I do have love for him. It rushes thorugh my body and I close up and become the negative person he thinks I am. Funny- he is the only one who thinks I am overly negative. I wonder why this is. I am trying my fucking hardest to be happy with who I've got. How do people do it? There is obviosuly no way out for me, but how do you make the best of it, and how do make it ok, to be in a loveless relationship?
Its always right when I start to feel a calming sensation and i find the desire to take a deep breath and let shit go, however, when i do that- conversations like the one I just had or certain actions occur- WTF?! Is it my sign that things are not 'right'? I mean, as over accomidating and sincere I have been- I get attacked and blamed for negative things in our life. Why poke me with a rusty nail, can you find a warm heart somewhere and trade yours in?? Is this possible? I am with someone who sadly thinks he is GREAT to me, that treats me like dirt and that I am not ever going to be good enough. Oh wait- he did prove I was never good enough 2 years ago-
He writes that I am his world and that he truly loves me and wants to hold me etc... The last time he told me he loved me was in CA, when we went home and it was because I said it first. The last time he hugged me- on his own was Early September maybe and the last time he kissed me on his own and meant it- was... last April. Granite- I haven't been the most affectionate towards him either- but I do try, I am just exhausted from trying to make someone love me. I had done it for three years before we had a child and 2 of those years he spent lying to me and cheating on me... so now, feeling like I will never be good enough, I just want to be loved and to have an affectionate relationship with love. Maybe this isn't possible with him. I do feel trapped- always. We just signed a new lease to a new apartment, that I do love by the way, and I try to think of our family and i deep down desperately want to be in love with him again but I have more hate than I do have love for him. It rushes thorugh my body and I close up and become the negative person he thinks I am. Funny- he is the only one who thinks I am overly negative. I wonder why this is. I am trying my fucking hardest to be happy with who I've got. How do people do it? There is obviosuly no way out for me, but how do you make the best of it, and how do make it ok, to be in a loveless relationship?
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