Current mood: sad
Patrick and I have postponed the wedding. Right now after several weeks of going back and forth, I am not sure exactly how I feel about it. I feel sad and also relieved. So much pressure started building up on the both of us and we didn't want to make a decision based on time contraints.
At this time we haven't decided if the wedding is 'postponed' or 'off'. Why are decisons like these so difficult to make? We love each other and we are great parents together for Ally, but is that enough to get us through - FOREVER? My mother (one for her not so wise words of wisdom) said yesterday to me, "well, if it works, why not get married" I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. You mean to tell me that I am basing my forever decision on the idea of loving someone whole heartedly for the rest of my life?! Shame on me! We should get married because it 'works'. Even Patrick thought this statement was ridiculous. But I can't take it to much to heart - it was my mother, and she is definately NOT one to take relationship advice from. (No offense)
Our friends have kept their opinions to themsleves mostly which is hard because the both of us care what they think (although we don't base our decisions on their opinions) , honestly, its been really hard being out here without our friends. And going back to that- our friends have still yet to visit! Hell, some don't even call. Anyway- that's another blog...
So, I sit here alone, pondering the next step... wondering... What's Next?!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
The Leech of Uncertainty
Current mood: frustrated
Every day for the past two weeks I have had enough thoughts to begin the book I one day hope to write, however, as soon as I get to paper or to the computer- MS Word or my blog, my hands gets stiff anf my mind goes blank. I all of a sudden cannot express any feeling or thought. What the hell is wrong with me? The people who really know me are probably in shock at my loss for words to express myself. I think so many people in my life are expierencing their own life changing events that nobody seems to available to be "well of advice" or a listening ear. But I also have tried to be a good friend to those I love and try to be helpful with advice and be a good ear. Thank you to my friend Adam, who is one of the only ones who truly knows what is going on in my life right now, calls to check up on me, loves me unconditionally, and at the same time will spill his life drama on me too in fair exchange. And our advice to each other is self less and whole heartedly given.
I am struggling with myself right now. I have "uncertainty" haunt me all throughout the day and even in my dreams. Its like a nasty leech and it sucks all of the life and energy right out of me! I can't make a decision 'with certain' to save my life. I am getting married in 3 months. This freaks me out. The wedding itself has been smooth sailing- no effort required. The marriage part - not so smooth. Some people call it cold feet, others call it nerves or some even say it's true feelings rising to the surface. So... which is it? I can't tell what freaks me out most- one person for the next 56 years+, the sacrafice of myself all over again, never having furniture I like or walls painted my favorite colors, not having my own space, the committment, or the right person? I have three weeks to make sure I am for damn sure about the decision I am about to make.
Every day for the past two weeks I have had enough thoughts to begin the book I one day hope to write, however, as soon as I get to paper or to the computer- MS Word or my blog, my hands gets stiff anf my mind goes blank. I all of a sudden cannot express any feeling or thought. What the hell is wrong with me? The people who really know me are probably in shock at my loss for words to express myself. I think so many people in my life are expierencing their own life changing events that nobody seems to available to be "well of advice" or a listening ear. But I also have tried to be a good friend to those I love and try to be helpful with advice and be a good ear. Thank you to my friend Adam, who is one of the only ones who truly knows what is going on in my life right now, calls to check up on me, loves me unconditionally, and at the same time will spill his life drama on me too in fair exchange. And our advice to each other is self less and whole heartedly given.
I am struggling with myself right now. I have "uncertainty" haunt me all throughout the day and even in my dreams. Its like a nasty leech and it sucks all of the life and energy right out of me! I can't make a decision 'with certain' to save my life. I am getting married in 3 months. This freaks me out. The wedding itself has been smooth sailing- no effort required. The marriage part - not so smooth. Some people call it cold feet, others call it nerves or some even say it's true feelings rising to the surface. So... which is it? I can't tell what freaks me out most- one person for the next 56 years+, the sacrafice of myself all over again, never having furniture I like or walls painted my favorite colors, not having my own space, the committment, or the right person? I have three weeks to make sure I am for damn sure about the decision I am about to make.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Is this it?!
Current mood: sad
Is this it? Am I supposed to be getting married to this man? Am I just settling because of all we have gone through? Or because we had Ally together? Am I going to ruin my daughter's life?
Are my friends not listening because they paid for this cruise too?
Is this it? Am I supposed to be getting married to this man? Am I just settling because of all we have gone through? Or because we had Ally together? Am I going to ruin my daughter's life?
Are my friends not listening because they paid for this cruise too?
The Book Hunt
Current mood: cold
I recently just finsished reading "Scar Tissue" - Anthony Kiedis and I have to say hands down, one of the greatest books ever! It could be because I have been on the other side of someone's drug use/ recovery my whole life, and to finally understand the feelings of the disease 'addiction' it puts things into a completely new perspective. So, I took a trip to Barnes and Noble yesterday to find a new book. I went to each section of the store and pulled out a couple books , read details etc... and I could not find a book to pull me in. I want to be inspired, I want the answers to all of my questinons to be written in bold red letters, so all I need to do is open the book, read, and bam! life falls into place. Wishful thinking right?
I recently had an arguement with a certain somebody and he felt the need to throw any words of my own into my face just to be hateful... so from this point forward my blogs and all else will be private, from this person anyway. Who wants their own thoughts to be used against them?
I recently just finsished reading "Scar Tissue" - Anthony Kiedis and I have to say hands down, one of the greatest books ever! It could be because I have been on the other side of someone's drug use/ recovery my whole life, and to finally understand the feelings of the disease 'addiction' it puts things into a completely new perspective. So, I took a trip to Barnes and Noble yesterday to find a new book. I went to each section of the store and pulled out a couple books , read details etc... and I could not find a book to pull me in. I want to be inspired, I want the answers to all of my questinons to be written in bold red letters, so all I need to do is open the book, read, and bam! life falls into place. Wishful thinking right?
I recently had an arguement with a certain somebody and he felt the need to throw any words of my own into my face just to be hateful... so from this point forward my blogs and all else will be private, from this person anyway. Who wants their own thoughts to be used against them?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Current mood: gloomy
Perhaps it's because it's that "time of the month" or perhaps the season is now changing, or that life is changing again. Right when I think I have embraced change- it comes around and smacks me again saying- " I'm back!" I enjoy change, however, it's like becoming comfortable in the bed or on your couch and someone takes your pillow or blanket away- you look around like, "wtf?!" you either don't care, deal with it, throw a fit, or get off your ass to get a new pillow or blanket. I am in the " ugh! are you serious, I really have to get up and get a new pillow or blanket - again?" phase. Once I am up, it won't be a big deal and I may not even lay back down, but it's just at that point. Life is good, I am not complaining ( just expressing) but right now I am in a funk. (again!)
My daughter is in this phase where she only wants her daddy, and I'm chop liver. It doesn't matter that I had carried her in my womb for 9 months or that I nursed her everyday for 6 months, or that I feed, bathe and clothe her... or that i take time to teach her colors, numbers, letters and animals, or that i read to her everyday or tell her I love her and give her hugs and kisses... NOPE.... it's all about her daddy- she is daddy's little girl. I am so thankful that she has a wonderful daddy and that her daddy loves her so much. But I am still hurt and jealous. I am ready to have my boy so he can love his mama!! Actually, I am just kidding, I am not ready for another baby. I have been trying my hardest for so long to lose weight and feel like a 26 year old female again. I am almost there.
Anyway- my job is great and Pittsburgh is wonderful and I have made some great friends that I can talk to. I have Nancy at work, who I totally love and look forward to being with. She and I can share stories and laugh at each other, it's great. And then there is Stephanie who I see only sometimes and we always talk about escaping the mom world for 5 minutes and then we laugh because we both know we can't stand to be away from our kids that long! Then there is Jim and his wife Anna. Jim has been so great to me! He lets me talk about whatever, and he will listen even if he is totally uninterested. (that is always a sign of a good friend) he makes me laugh and I feel totally comfortable around him to be myself. I look forward to seeing him on a daily basis too. But then there are the days when I dont' see Jim, Nancy doesn't work and I don't see or talk to Stephanie. I then begin to miss my friends. I think what I miss, is not just the people, but the opportunity to just go meet after work for coffee and catch up. I have been playing phone tag with Rebekah for over a month now~ and I finally got to talk wth her for maybe 7 minutes.
Ally's birthday is coming up and we are no longer going to California and I miss my family. I miss both my aunt Lisa's. In fact I need them right now at this time in my life. To just sit and talk to... to tell me that all is well, live your dream etc... they both are so good at that. Ally is going to be 2 and so she doesn't need a big party but I'd like to do something more than cake.
My sister who is 17 and pregnant just found out what she is having. She is having a boy. This shoudl be one of the most exciting times in her life, and I have yet to hear from her. Luckily my mom keeps me updated, but I also think my sister knows that I won't knwo what to say. It breaks my heart that she is in the situatinon she is in. She has no idea how hard (not even the word to explain it) raising a baby really is. I mean to really raise a baby- to do it right. To teach them love, consequences and right and wrong. She hasn't even learned those things yet. I just pray that her son will give her a crash course lesson and that her life will turn around and that they will have a chance (both of them) to do something great. My sister has a wonderful heart and fun spirit... she has the ability to change the world, but she has no idea how.
My relationship with Patrick is at a point where the past is actually almost fuzzy. This is a good thing... scratch that.... a NEEDED thing. Not the entire past just the yucky parts. However, the closer it gets to the cruise/wedding, the more I start freaking out- and I think the more calm he gets... I think I am afraid of going through the change I went through after we had Ally. The loss of personal identity.
oh geez, here I go rambling again when I look down at the clock and it is 30 minutes past when I really need to be in bed. We all go to bed early here- it's so necessary! so, goodnight.
Perhaps it's because it's that "time of the month" or perhaps the season is now changing, or that life is changing again. Right when I think I have embraced change- it comes around and smacks me again saying- " I'm back!" I enjoy change, however, it's like becoming comfortable in the bed or on your couch and someone takes your pillow or blanket away- you look around like, "wtf?!" you either don't care, deal with it, throw a fit, or get off your ass to get a new pillow or blanket. I am in the " ugh! are you serious, I really have to get up and get a new pillow or blanket - again?" phase. Once I am up, it won't be a big deal and I may not even lay back down, but it's just at that point. Life is good, I am not complaining ( just expressing) but right now I am in a funk. (again!)
My daughter is in this phase where she only wants her daddy, and I'm chop liver. It doesn't matter that I had carried her in my womb for 9 months or that I nursed her everyday for 6 months, or that I feed, bathe and clothe her... or that i take time to teach her colors, numbers, letters and animals, or that i read to her everyday or tell her I love her and give her hugs and kisses... NOPE.... it's all about her daddy- she is daddy's little girl. I am so thankful that she has a wonderful daddy and that her daddy loves her so much. But I am still hurt and jealous. I am ready to have my boy so he can love his mama!! Actually, I am just kidding, I am not ready for another baby. I have been trying my hardest for so long to lose weight and feel like a 26 year old female again. I am almost there.
Anyway- my job is great and Pittsburgh is wonderful and I have made some great friends that I can talk to. I have Nancy at work, who I totally love and look forward to being with. She and I can share stories and laugh at each other, it's great. And then there is Stephanie who I see only sometimes and we always talk about escaping the mom world for 5 minutes and then we laugh because we both know we can't stand to be away from our kids that long! Then there is Jim and his wife Anna. Jim has been so great to me! He lets me talk about whatever, and he will listen even if he is totally uninterested. (that is always a sign of a good friend) he makes me laugh and I feel totally comfortable around him to be myself. I look forward to seeing him on a daily basis too. But then there are the days when I dont' see Jim, Nancy doesn't work and I don't see or talk to Stephanie. I then begin to miss my friends. I think what I miss, is not just the people, but the opportunity to just go meet after work for coffee and catch up. I have been playing phone tag with Rebekah for over a month now~ and I finally got to talk wth her for maybe 7 minutes.
Ally's birthday is coming up and we are no longer going to California and I miss my family. I miss both my aunt Lisa's. In fact I need them right now at this time in my life. To just sit and talk to... to tell me that all is well, live your dream etc... they both are so good at that. Ally is going to be 2 and so she doesn't need a big party but I'd like to do something more than cake.
My sister who is 17 and pregnant just found out what she is having. She is having a boy. This shoudl be one of the most exciting times in her life, and I have yet to hear from her. Luckily my mom keeps me updated, but I also think my sister knows that I won't knwo what to say. It breaks my heart that she is in the situatinon she is in. She has no idea how hard (not even the word to explain it) raising a baby really is. I mean to really raise a baby- to do it right. To teach them love, consequences and right and wrong. She hasn't even learned those things yet. I just pray that her son will give her a crash course lesson and that her life will turn around and that they will have a chance (both of them) to do something great. My sister has a wonderful heart and fun spirit... she has the ability to change the world, but she has no idea how.
My relationship with Patrick is at a point where the past is actually almost fuzzy. This is a good thing... scratch that.... a NEEDED thing. Not the entire past just the yucky parts. However, the closer it gets to the cruise/wedding, the more I start freaking out- and I think the more calm he gets... I think I am afraid of going through the change I went through after we had Ally. The loss of personal identity.
oh geez, here I go rambling again when I look down at the clock and it is 30 minutes past when I really need to be in bed. We all go to bed early here- it's so necessary! so, goodnight.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Saddle Ridge - Pittsburgh, PA
Current mood: content
So, I have recently met a new friend, by the name of Jim- thanks to the 28K Moon Express. Well, he and his wife Anna took Patrick and I out last Saturday night to dinner at a great bar/restaurant then out dancing at Saddle Ridge, (Pittsburgh's version of Silverados, only 10 times bigger) in Station's Square. We had a great time- and I have been really excited about how cool both Jim and Anna were.
Well, I was very eager to get out o the dance floor- it being over 6 months since I have shakin my booty on the dance floor- They played a bunch of good songs and everyone was line dancing, it was great! Beautiful girls with perfect bodies (yuck!) were dancing tastefully on the bar, and the scenery was great. Oh by the way- they had a mechanical bull!
I finally get brave enough to go onto the dance floor, thinking "I know this song" HA!!!! They do NOT dance the same way here as they do in Nashville. I looked like a damn fool!! I tried, still kept trucking a long- but the people around me weren't really helpful, so I just smiled and pretended like I knew what I was doing... LOL- even though I had no clue! So finally- a familar song- WATERMELON CRAWL!! Now, you can't go wrong with that dance- right? HA! Again- different. Luckily it wasn't too far off, but they do some crazy move when all I learned to do was slide. Anyway- it was pretty funny to me. I was out of my element at a country bar- that was the funny part... hmmm, did I mention that Patrick rode the mechanical bull? hehehe, yeah, he did... and he THREW himself off, he did NOT fall off. So cute!
Anyway- It was a great time with great company- and my first venture out in the wonderful city of Pittsburgh. :)
So, I have recently met a new friend, by the name of Jim- thanks to the 28K Moon Express. Well, he and his wife Anna took Patrick and I out last Saturday night to dinner at a great bar/restaurant then out dancing at Saddle Ridge, (Pittsburgh's version of Silverados, only 10 times bigger) in Station's Square. We had a great time- and I have been really excited about how cool both Jim and Anna were.
Well, I was very eager to get out o the dance floor- it being over 6 months since I have shakin my booty on the dance floor- They played a bunch of good songs and everyone was line dancing, it was great! Beautiful girls with perfect bodies (yuck!) were dancing tastefully on the bar, and the scenery was great. Oh by the way- they had a mechanical bull!
I finally get brave enough to go onto the dance floor, thinking "I know this song" HA!!!! They do NOT dance the same way here as they do in Nashville. I looked like a damn fool!! I tried, still kept trucking a long- but the people around me weren't really helpful, so I just smiled and pretended like I knew what I was doing... LOL- even though I had no clue! So finally- a familar song- WATERMELON CRAWL!! Now, you can't go wrong with that dance- right? HA! Again- different. Luckily it wasn't too far off, but they do some crazy move when all I learned to do was slide. Anyway- it was pretty funny to me. I was out of my element at a country bar- that was the funny part... hmmm, did I mention that Patrick rode the mechanical bull? hehehe, yeah, he did... and he THREW himself off, he did NOT fall off. So cute!
Anyway- It was a great time with great company- and my first venture out in the wonderful city of Pittsburgh. :)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Case of the missing hotdog
Current mood: chipper
Last Friday night, my family went to dinner at Max & Erma's. Patrick and I both in the mood for Buffalo chicken, and Ally indecisive, we ordered. We ordered Ally a corndog, logically thinking that the mac and cheese was a bad choice because her shirt was cute and that the hamburger was a bad choice because, again, her shirt was cute. As our food arrived our daughter let out this loud excited growl noise in appreciation of the quick delivery of her food. Excited to see a corndog and fries, she begins face first into her plate. We all start eating, and talking, eating, talking etc.... when, Patrick and I both noticed that Ally had devoured what was in her corndog and half of her french fries! Surprised at her eating so good, we both comment, " Ally, what a great job, you ate all of your hot dog, how about the outside?" She looks down, looks back up again and politely responses, "??Hotdog??" We smile, and say, "sweetie, you ate it. Why don't you finsih eating the outside of the hotdog". Silence..... a few seconds later her arms raise up in the questioning position, she blurts out, "??Hotdog?"...her head tilts, again... "??hotdog??" Totally cute, she asks again in a much more serious tone..."??HOTDOG??" We respond back to her again, "Honey, you ate it; it is in your belly." (Note: children take everything literally) She looks down and lifts up her shirt... "??hotdog??" at this moment Patrick and I cannot hold our laughter in anymore! again, the sweet voice questions..."??hotdog??" she lifts up out of her chair, looks around, lookS underneath the table, and screams out, "??HOTDOG??" Unsure of why the hotdog is not running to her plate, she screams out again, "??HOTDOG!!??" in hysterics, we gently say, "Honey, the hot dog is all gone." She quietly looks around, and as we anxiously await her response, she lets out a big sigh...
.......she must have realized that the hotdog was in fact not missing but was eaten- by Ally herself.
Last Friday night, my family went to dinner at Max & Erma's. Patrick and I both in the mood for Buffalo chicken, and Ally indecisive, we ordered. We ordered Ally a corndog, logically thinking that the mac and cheese was a bad choice because her shirt was cute and that the hamburger was a bad choice because, again, her shirt was cute. As our food arrived our daughter let out this loud excited growl noise in appreciation of the quick delivery of her food. Excited to see a corndog and fries, she begins face first into her plate. We all start eating, and talking, eating, talking etc.... when, Patrick and I both noticed that Ally had devoured what was in her corndog and half of her french fries! Surprised at her eating so good, we both comment, " Ally, what a great job, you ate all of your hot dog, how about the outside?" She looks down, looks back up again and politely responses, "??Hotdog??" We smile, and say, "sweetie, you ate it. Why don't you finsih eating the outside of the hotdog". Silence..... a few seconds later her arms raise up in the questioning position, she blurts out, "??Hotdog?"...her head tilts, again... "??hotdog??" Totally cute, she asks again in a much more serious tone..."??HOTDOG??" We respond back to her again, "Honey, you ate it; it is in your belly." (Note: children take everything literally) She looks down and lifts up her shirt... "??hotdog??" at this moment Patrick and I cannot hold our laughter in anymore! again, the sweet voice questions..."??hotdog??" she lifts up out of her chair, looks around, lookS underneath the table, and screams out, "??HOTDOG??" Unsure of why the hotdog is not running to her plate, she screams out again, "??HOTDOG!!??" in hysterics, we gently say, "Honey, the hot dog is all gone." She quietly looks around, and as we anxiously await her response, she lets out a big sigh...
.......she must have realized that the hotdog was in fact not missing but was eaten- by Ally herself.
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