Current mood: lonely
I want to be able to have the type of relationship where people say, ' wow , you both look so happy'... And for it all to be true. I look at some friends pictures of their wedding and or honeymoon etc. and I see them having fun and being happy. Will I have that too? People automatically say yeah sure...but...........
I have great people in my life, infact I know and love absolutely wonderful people. I know I am blessed, and life with Patrick hasn't been terrible, but it hasn't been great. There are great things that could be out of the relationship... but I can't get over what happened. It has seemed to strip me of all of my trust, and all of my affection and all of my love. I know it's in there, but could we ever be better than this? Or are we really not meant to be? Some moments I think it's just me and it can work, other moments, I think 'get me the hell out of here'!
I really miss having friends... I have one friend here, who is fabulous and I adore him, but our relationship can only go so far, he is male and married, so I don't ever talk to him past 6pm- and we keep our friendship sincere but casual. But I need someone I can call, someone who calls me, who stops by, someone to go out with- someone to talk to abut 'stuff ' .........a girlfriend really. I talk to Jim about everything that goes on, but again... he is male, so that limits him, on a girls' perspective lol.... but then there are times when his words are just perfect.
I have my Allygator, but sometimes I just want to be an adult and do adult things.
I am just lonely...
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Sunday, July 29, 2007
It should not be that hard.
Current mood: contemplative
Love shouldn't be that hard, the relationship definately always takes work and compromise, but the act of 'love' shouldn't feel forced. Why do I feel like I have been forcing a square peg into a circle hole?
Love shouldn't be that hard, the relationship definately always takes work and compromise, but the act of 'love' shouldn't feel forced. Why do I feel like I have been forcing a square peg into a circle hole?
Friday, July 27, 2007
Such an ass!
Current mood: aggravated
Could he be more self centered? He thinks he just made a simple 'mistake', and wonders why he can't be trusted. A simple mistake is forgetting to enter the $40.00 debit transaction into the right bank account. It may have been just a mistake if he did it once and was drunk, then, it would have been a stupid, fucked up mistake and still almost unforgivable because of all of the lies told but, that whole year relationship was a choice and he chose to lie to me and chose to hide it all from me... and proof that he never loved me. So why was/am I so stupid to believe he could actually love me now? Why because I was dumb enough to let him hurt me then allow him in my life again? Was that because i was too forgiving or because I truly loved him? Either way he didn't deserve any of that love, and yet, he still thinks I should just get over it? I WOULD LOVE TO! However, when hurt like that , someone's self worth and esteem is damaged... could I blame him for that- no, but I can blame him for being selfish and so self cenetered- right?? I deserve better than that, i deserve someone honest and faithful...
Could he be more self centered? He thinks he just made a simple 'mistake', and wonders why he can't be trusted. A simple mistake is forgetting to enter the $40.00 debit transaction into the right bank account. It may have been just a mistake if he did it once and was drunk, then, it would have been a stupid, fucked up mistake and still almost unforgivable because of all of the lies told but, that whole year relationship was a choice and he chose to lie to me and chose to hide it all from me... and proof that he never loved me. So why was/am I so stupid to believe he could actually love me now? Why because I was dumb enough to let him hurt me then allow him in my life again? Was that because i was too forgiving or because I truly loved him? Either way he didn't deserve any of that love, and yet, he still thinks I should just get over it? I WOULD LOVE TO! However, when hurt like that , someone's self worth and esteem is damaged... could I blame him for that- no, but I can blame him for being selfish and so self cenetered- right?? I deserve better than that, i deserve someone honest and faithful...
Saturday, July 7, 2007
The Crossroad
Current mood: confused
I am at that point where I can move forward or stand still. If I move forward am I leaving something behind that I may regret? If I stand still, I could potentially be missing out on something great, something better. Not necessarily a/the 'person', but a/the 'life'. I am happy with Life, and life is good, but for some reason, I am not fulfilled. At what point does the fulfillment begin to happen?
I am at that point where I can move forward or stand still. If I move forward am I leaving something behind that I may regret? If I stand still, I could potentially be missing out on something great, something better. Not necessarily a/the 'person', but a/the 'life'. I am happy with Life, and life is good, but for some reason, I am not fulfilled. At what point does the fulfillment begin to happen?
Monday, July 2, 2007
When life begins to turn...
Current mood: content
Things that used to be your favorite start changing, things you used to dislike are now things you appreciate and things you use to love fade into something else. Nothing negative, nothing missing~ just a new phase, an 'entry' phase, if you will, to get you prepared for the new chapter of your life.
When change occurs, its hard to understand if its a good change, a needed change or something less welcomed. One of my dearest friends (also previous roomie) enlightened me years ago... Katielaine.... she told me that no matter how you embrace the change, its going to happpen, it's just the attitude you have or how you deal with it, and most importantly- what you do with the opportunity. She also would sing or play the Sing 'Time will do the talking", Patty Griffin to me constantly. I used to think it could only be a bandaid song when I was feelign lost and low, but it lately has new meaning. In my most recent change, the postponement of the wedding and changes between Patrick and I, it has been a comfort to play the song or place myself in the 'comfy spot' and wait it out... not to freak out, be scared of the unknown, but to let change happen, and when I begin to start to new chapter I will be able to look back and understand it. To tell you the truth, I am nervous and excited and scared shitless of what I am supposed to do and the fact that I don't have a clue of my next move.
A couple of random quotes I found and enjoy:
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
-- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I
All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
-- James Thurber
We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
-- Frank Tibolt
Things that used to be your favorite start changing, things you used to dislike are now things you appreciate and things you use to love fade into something else. Nothing negative, nothing missing~ just a new phase, an 'entry' phase, if you will, to get you prepared for the new chapter of your life.
When change occurs, its hard to understand if its a good change, a needed change or something less welcomed. One of my dearest friends (also previous roomie) enlightened me years ago... Katielaine.... she told me that no matter how you embrace the change, its going to happpen, it's just the attitude you have or how you deal with it, and most importantly- what you do with the opportunity. She also would sing or play the Sing 'Time will do the talking", Patty Griffin to me constantly. I used to think it could only be a bandaid song when I was feelign lost and low, but it lately has new meaning. In my most recent change, the postponement of the wedding and changes between Patrick and I, it has been a comfort to play the song or place myself in the 'comfy spot' and wait it out... not to freak out, be scared of the unknown, but to let change happen, and when I begin to start to new chapter I will be able to look back and understand it. To tell you the truth, I am nervous and excited and scared shitless of what I am supposed to do and the fact that I don't have a clue of my next move.
A couple of random quotes I found and enjoy:
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
-- Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan, 1892, Act I
All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
-- James Thurber
We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action.
-- Frank Tibolt
Monday, June 25, 2007
Wedding - Postponed.
Current mood: sad
Patrick and I have postponed the wedding. Right now after several weeks of going back and forth, I am not sure exactly how I feel about it. I feel sad and also relieved. So much pressure started building up on the both of us and we didn't want to make a decision based on time contraints.
At this time we haven't decided if the wedding is 'postponed' or 'off'. Why are decisons like these so difficult to make? We love each other and we are great parents together for Ally, but is that enough to get us through - FOREVER? My mother (one for her not so wise words of wisdom) said yesterday to me, "well, if it works, why not get married" I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. You mean to tell me that I am basing my forever decision on the idea of loving someone whole heartedly for the rest of my life?! Shame on me! We should get married because it 'works'. Even Patrick thought this statement was ridiculous. But I can't take it to much to heart - it was my mother, and she is definately NOT one to take relationship advice from. (No offense)
Our friends have kept their opinions to themsleves mostly which is hard because the both of us care what they think (although we don't base our decisions on their opinions) , honestly, its been really hard being out here without our friends. And going back to that- our friends have still yet to visit! Hell, some don't even call. Anyway- that's another blog...
So, I sit here alone, pondering the next step... wondering... What's Next?!
Patrick and I have postponed the wedding. Right now after several weeks of going back and forth, I am not sure exactly how I feel about it. I feel sad and also relieved. So much pressure started building up on the both of us and we didn't want to make a decision based on time contraints.
At this time we haven't decided if the wedding is 'postponed' or 'off'. Why are decisons like these so difficult to make? We love each other and we are great parents together for Ally, but is that enough to get us through - FOREVER? My mother (one for her not so wise words of wisdom) said yesterday to me, "well, if it works, why not get married" I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. You mean to tell me that I am basing my forever decision on the idea of loving someone whole heartedly for the rest of my life?! Shame on me! We should get married because it 'works'. Even Patrick thought this statement was ridiculous. But I can't take it to much to heart - it was my mother, and she is definately NOT one to take relationship advice from. (No offense)
Our friends have kept their opinions to themsleves mostly which is hard because the both of us care what they think (although we don't base our decisions on their opinions) , honestly, its been really hard being out here without our friends. And going back to that- our friends have still yet to visit! Hell, some don't even call. Anyway- that's another blog...
So, I sit here alone, pondering the next step... wondering... What's Next?!
Friday, June 8, 2007
The Leech of Uncertainty
Current mood: frustrated
Every day for the past two weeks I have had enough thoughts to begin the book I one day hope to write, however, as soon as I get to paper or to the computer- MS Word or my blog, my hands gets stiff anf my mind goes blank. I all of a sudden cannot express any feeling or thought. What the hell is wrong with me? The people who really know me are probably in shock at my loss for words to express myself. I think so many people in my life are expierencing their own life changing events that nobody seems to available to be "well of advice" or a listening ear. But I also have tried to be a good friend to those I love and try to be helpful with advice and be a good ear. Thank you to my friend Adam, who is one of the only ones who truly knows what is going on in my life right now, calls to check up on me, loves me unconditionally, and at the same time will spill his life drama on me too in fair exchange. And our advice to each other is self less and whole heartedly given.
I am struggling with myself right now. I have "uncertainty" haunt me all throughout the day and even in my dreams. Its like a nasty leech and it sucks all of the life and energy right out of me! I can't make a decision 'with certain' to save my life. I am getting married in 3 months. This freaks me out. The wedding itself has been smooth sailing- no effort required. The marriage part - not so smooth. Some people call it cold feet, others call it nerves or some even say it's true feelings rising to the surface. So... which is it? I can't tell what freaks me out most- one person for the next 56 years+, the sacrafice of myself all over again, never having furniture I like or walls painted my favorite colors, not having my own space, the committment, or the right person? I have three weeks to make sure I am for damn sure about the decision I am about to make.
Every day for the past two weeks I have had enough thoughts to begin the book I one day hope to write, however, as soon as I get to paper or to the computer- MS Word or my blog, my hands gets stiff anf my mind goes blank. I all of a sudden cannot express any feeling or thought. What the hell is wrong with me? The people who really know me are probably in shock at my loss for words to express myself. I think so many people in my life are expierencing their own life changing events that nobody seems to available to be "well of advice" or a listening ear. But I also have tried to be a good friend to those I love and try to be helpful with advice and be a good ear. Thank you to my friend Adam, who is one of the only ones who truly knows what is going on in my life right now, calls to check up on me, loves me unconditionally, and at the same time will spill his life drama on me too in fair exchange. And our advice to each other is self less and whole heartedly given.
I am struggling with myself right now. I have "uncertainty" haunt me all throughout the day and even in my dreams. Its like a nasty leech and it sucks all of the life and energy right out of me! I can't make a decision 'with certain' to save my life. I am getting married in 3 months. This freaks me out. The wedding itself has been smooth sailing- no effort required. The marriage part - not so smooth. Some people call it cold feet, others call it nerves or some even say it's true feelings rising to the surface. So... which is it? I can't tell what freaks me out most- one person for the next 56 years+, the sacrafice of myself all over again, never having furniture I like or walls painted my favorite colors, not having my own space, the committment, or the right person? I have three weeks to make sure I am for damn sure about the decision I am about to make.
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