Current mood: sad
Patrick and I have postponed the wedding. Right now after several weeks of going back and forth, I am not sure exactly how I feel about it. I feel sad and also relieved. So much pressure started building up on the both of us and we didn't want to make a decision based on time contraints.
At this time we haven't decided if the wedding is 'postponed' or 'off'. Why are decisons like these so difficult to make? We love each other and we are great parents together for Ally, but is that enough to get us through - FOREVER? My mother (one for her not so wise words of wisdom) said yesterday to me, "well, if it works, why not get married" I didn't know whether to laugh or be offended. You mean to tell me that I am basing my forever decision on the idea of loving someone whole heartedly for the rest of my life?! Shame on me! We should get married because it 'works'. Even Patrick thought this statement was ridiculous. But I can't take it to much to heart - it was my mother, and she is definately NOT one to take relationship advice from. (No offense)
Our friends have kept their opinions to themsleves mostly which is hard because the both of us care what they think (although we don't base our decisions on their opinions) , honestly, its been really hard being out here without our friends. And going back to that- our friends have still yet to visit! Hell, some don't even call. Anyway- that's another blog...
So, I sit here alone, pondering the next step... wondering... What's Next?!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
The Leech of Uncertainty
Current mood: frustrated
Every day for the past two weeks I have had enough thoughts to begin the book I one day hope to write, however, as soon as I get to paper or to the computer- MS Word or my blog, my hands gets stiff anf my mind goes blank. I all of a sudden cannot express any feeling or thought. What the hell is wrong with me? The people who really know me are probably in shock at my loss for words to express myself. I think so many people in my life are expierencing their own life changing events that nobody seems to available to be "well of advice" or a listening ear. But I also have tried to be a good friend to those I love and try to be helpful with advice and be a good ear. Thank you to my friend Adam, who is one of the only ones who truly knows what is going on in my life right now, calls to check up on me, loves me unconditionally, and at the same time will spill his life drama on me too in fair exchange. And our advice to each other is self less and whole heartedly given.
I am struggling with myself right now. I have "uncertainty" haunt me all throughout the day and even in my dreams. Its like a nasty leech and it sucks all of the life and energy right out of me! I can't make a decision 'with certain' to save my life. I am getting married in 3 months. This freaks me out. The wedding itself has been smooth sailing- no effort required. The marriage part - not so smooth. Some people call it cold feet, others call it nerves or some even say it's true feelings rising to the surface. So... which is it? I can't tell what freaks me out most- one person for the next 56 years+, the sacrafice of myself all over again, never having furniture I like or walls painted my favorite colors, not having my own space, the committment, or the right person? I have three weeks to make sure I am for damn sure about the decision I am about to make.
Every day for the past two weeks I have had enough thoughts to begin the book I one day hope to write, however, as soon as I get to paper or to the computer- MS Word or my blog, my hands gets stiff anf my mind goes blank. I all of a sudden cannot express any feeling or thought. What the hell is wrong with me? The people who really know me are probably in shock at my loss for words to express myself. I think so many people in my life are expierencing their own life changing events that nobody seems to available to be "well of advice" or a listening ear. But I also have tried to be a good friend to those I love and try to be helpful with advice and be a good ear. Thank you to my friend Adam, who is one of the only ones who truly knows what is going on in my life right now, calls to check up on me, loves me unconditionally, and at the same time will spill his life drama on me too in fair exchange. And our advice to each other is self less and whole heartedly given.
I am struggling with myself right now. I have "uncertainty" haunt me all throughout the day and even in my dreams. Its like a nasty leech and it sucks all of the life and energy right out of me! I can't make a decision 'with certain' to save my life. I am getting married in 3 months. This freaks me out. The wedding itself has been smooth sailing- no effort required. The marriage part - not so smooth. Some people call it cold feet, others call it nerves or some even say it's true feelings rising to the surface. So... which is it? I can't tell what freaks me out most- one person for the next 56 years+, the sacrafice of myself all over again, never having furniture I like or walls painted my favorite colors, not having my own space, the committment, or the right person? I have three weeks to make sure I am for damn sure about the decision I am about to make.
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