The Realization

Current mood: nervous

I have been hit today with the "oh my goodness, life is changing, has changed and will change" feeling. Never a bad thing, just looking around... I start my new job Monday and I am really nervous. I have no idea why, I just am. I am sad that I won't be home anymore but very excited about making money to pay things off and pay for our wedding, etc... I couldn't sleep last night- i went to sleep around 3:30ish in the AM it was awful. I was tired and went to bed at 11pm, and tossed, turned, came into the living room, then i just laid there. Thinking of EVERYTHING! That is the things that bugs me most about myself~ I have to have a plan for it all. Somethings are better unplanned, or unstressed about. But- leave it to me. I am thinking so far in advance as to how we will get off the ship to take wedding pictures if my dress will get wrinkly or not. I am also thinking of when we buy a house, I want my kitchen a certain why and want a specific layout! UGH!! Then I kept thinking how I am going to lose weight etc...

I am looking forward to Christmas this year. Christmas was always a holiday I liked but the past of christmas' were not the best. The last 2 were great, but the before that- awful!!!! This year I really want to make is special for everyone. We are getting a couple of angels from the Angel Tree this year. I had always wanted to do that. Ally is at an age, when it will be lots of fun. We really want holiday guests to come stay and enjoy the winter with us.

anyway- just realizing a lot has changed in the past 2 months- our address, our location, our DL's, our additudes, our budget, our eating habits, our prayer habits, our relationships, our jobs, Ally. It's all good!

A job, at Last!

Current mood: good

I got the job! I went for my 2nd interview today downtown, and they offered me the job with pay of more than what I asked!

I am really excited. I will be working for a real estate management company as an Executive Assistant. I will have my own office and they bought me new furniture and a new computer!! And did I mention I am downtown of beautiful Pittsburgh?! Downfall.... I will now enjoy the life of public transportation. Not terrible, but I don't exactly live right outside the city. I will be sad not to be home, it has been pretty wonderful. Financially we have been ok, but we have things we would love to save for... example, our wedding, our house. And I have been pretty desperate for some adult interaction. I am going to miss spending my days with Ally reading books and teaching her new words (she now says "thank you" by the way), cooking dinner nightly and cleaning the house, most of all~being caught up on laundry! I know they don't have to stop, but the energy to be as great may die down some. hmmm, maybe not, besides I am doing this for myself and most of all for my family.

So... yeah! I start the Monday after Thanksgiving.

PA rules suck!

Current mood: irritated

I can't even go into detail how horrible today at the DMV was, but to simply state... Pennsylvania has the most ridiculous rules ever!!! You can't get a Driver's license without 4 forms of ID, 3 forms of proof of residence and that doesn't include your out if state DL!!!

Ugh!! We had to go back home, gather more info, and then... yes, we got sent home again!! Because they couldn't get our info from TN!! We have to go back tomorrow!!!! Did I mention the DMV is NOT close by?!

p.s. to register your vehicle it is even worse! You must have PA insurance, a PA DL, your actual title to the vehicle, must be a PA title (which is hard to do when you have a leinholder in TN) and worse of all, i need to get my car registered before Tuesday!!!

Insomnia

Current mood: restless

I can't sleep. This is the 3rd week I have been like this. I sleep an average of three hours a night in my bed. It doesn't matter how tired I am. As soon as I get into bed, I am awake and my mind is going crazy, I can't get comfortable, and I just stare at the window, looking for some potential entertainment.

Right now, totally sleepy... sitting in the living room, eyes bug eyed, filling out surveys and sufring the web. UGH! Every now and then Ally or Nadia will wimper or cry/bark because of a bad dream, so I 'll have to get up and pad one or both of them on the back.

I need to feng shui our room, but of course Patrick says,"what the hell is that? " That is the item of furniture he placed on his own (the bed) and I would hate to have to move it. But really our head should face north and our feet should face the door, and our heads are not facing north!

Did I also mention that my throat hurts? Yep! It does, and that keeps me from falling asleep too. (of course)

By the way~ it snowed today. It didn't stick, but it was pretty cool. Our first PA snow. It's going to be a cold but beautiful winter. Well, I am going to surf around looking for job postings I guess... G'night!

The Road Less Traveled

Current mood: refreshed

I think we can all agree that we often complain about life and all that happens in life... right? Well, I sure do. I think it is apart of our nature to dwell in the "whoa is me" song and dance. I am used to it from my family, friends, starngers, myself etc. Well, there is a book we all should read.

The Road Less Traveled M. SCOTT PECK, M.D.

I have read it all the way once years ago, and I have started it again. Now that I am in a totally different place in my life, it hits me in a totally different light. The first line and paragraph say exactly what we need to know!

*Life is difficult. This is great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a truth because we only truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult-once we truly understand and accept it-than life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longers matters.

Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily, or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. *

"Life is a series od problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them?"

Great book!

Arriving in PA

Current mood: excited

So, we arrived Saturday night, and got settled in to our hotel room at the Days Inn in Pittsburgh. I have to say that Pennsylvania is extremely beautiful. Nothing but hills. Everything is at the top of a hill. Fed Ex has its own mountain for their corporate office (fancy) Our hotel is on the top of a hill as well. Sunday we slept in and ate our free continental breakfast and traveled around our new town. Moon Township/Coraopolis. I really love it. It's so quaint and beautiful. J Our new apartment complex is in a secluded neighborhood surrounded by a forest of trees, it just so beautiful. All of the street signs are made of old wood with white paint of the titled street, it's so cute! We move into our apartment Wednesday and tomorrow we are going to the city of Pittsburgh- only 15 minutes maybe 20 minutes away. I am pretty excited about that. The movers are planning to be here Thursday or Friday. I will do my best to take pictures, this place is so beautiful.

Road Trip to PA

Current mood: drained

So, late Friday night/morning around 3:30am EST, we arrive in Cincinnati, Ohio. We got a hotel at the Red roof Inn- a nice quiet hotel across from a gas station and a Bob Evans restaurant. We exhaustingly walk up the stairs to the 2nd floor to our room. Ally and Nadia not ever being in a hotel before get very excited- excited enough to NOT SLEEP!! Little miss was so tired and excited that she would just toss and turn and spout out little sounds- just to make sure we were still right there. Ugh it was a long night! So, at 5am- she finally falls asleep and promptly at 9am- she's awake. So, I get up with her since Patrick was driving he needed the sleep more so than I did, Ally and I left to the restaurant across the street- freezing it was, and I was wearing flip flops. (The CA girl in me, I guess) Ally had a sweatshirt with faux fir in the inside, and layers. (Yes, it was that cold!)
After we finished our delicious breakfast, we came back to the hotel to wake up dad and to get on the road. We stopped for lunch in St. Clairsville, Ohio where Ally and I went to the mall for a hour while Patrick slept in the truck. The intention was for Ally to run and get some energy out so she could sleep the rest of the way. Well, the mall was boring. For those of you who live in Nashville- it was just like Bellevue Center! Lots of empty store space.
Anyway, after one lap around the mall, Ally finds TILT (an arcade game place) and runs in… she finds a car she wants to drive in so I left her up to sit on the seat and to my surprise…….. Her diaper was missing! WHAT?! Yes, her diaper had fallen to her ankle and she had peed in her pants, twice! I hadn't noticed that while she was running this diaper has slightly just bulked out of her pant leg. I felt so awful, and not to mention embarrassed. We quickly ran back out to the truck and changed her clothes. Though it seemed to be pretty embarrassing, we all laughed about it hysterically throughout the rest of the day.

Moving to Pittsburgh

Current mood:unappreciated

Ok... everyone knows that moving "in general" is frustrating, however, it doesn't need to be. It can go as smooth as you try to plan it to. But when you don't get help- it is overly frustrating. I have planned almost everything for this move- oh wait, I have planned EVERYTHING! And... so I am a little frustrated with the lack of help. We did have good news though, we found out the movers will here friday( this is GREAT news!) however, Patrick says, " oh we will just wait to pack when the movers get there" WHY??!! Who does that?? We need to have our stuff packed first that we need to move with us, so it is out of their way and they don't pack it with them!! All the stuff they pack we will not see until October 6th... so we need to put some thought into this packing , I mean, it is not just him, there is an adult, a baby and an animal coming along! he just says whatever, like it is just my issue~ does he not realize we are doing this for him and his career!! I am supportive, but i am getting frustrated that I am not being appreciated for any work that I have done! hmmm, I am starting to think that there may not being any more "family" moves in the near future unless someone can change their "whatever" attitude and help a little. ugh!!!!

Grrrr~

Current mood: frustrated

I am totally frustrated! Plain and simple. This move had so far been going smoothly until... today. Well, I take that back. I have been hounding Patrick the past two weeks about contacting/following up with the relocation department to make sure we have got a date set for them to come and pack us up and move us, etc...he would say he was "working on it"... well, today he followed up and found out that (not his fault) HR lost his relocation paperwork!! Grrrr!!! So... we start from scratch, we wait yet again. This time we will already be gone to PA before FedEx comes to pick up our shit! It will work out I know, but how frustrating it is to feel like it is all under control and BAM- something falls apart.

I am overwhelmed in everything we really need to do around the apartment. There are certain things we need to pack up for the movers, and then there are certain items we need to pack up for our road trip. Now... this road trip will be all four of us, Patrick, me, Ally and Nadia- in the truck, towing my car. So needless to say I need some time to pack appropriately for this trip. We are behind in laundry and the place is a mess! I have been working on a ceramic piece and I need to finish it before this weekend. I called Ally's grandmother today to see if she could pick Ally up from school tomorrow, (so I can get caught up and so they can have Ally time before we leave) and she ALWAYS has some excuse not to. She's tired, or too busy, or she just doesn't want to. What grandparent doesn't want to spend time with their grandchild especially when we are moving away! I think they just have in their heads we are only going to be gone for a little while. It's a permanent move people- not a vacation!Because the other day we called to see if they wanted to meet us for dinner- no they were too tired. Well- i definately understand tired!! We have been trying hard to see people who really could care less to make an effort to see us, and honestly I am exhausted from trying. It is not just with them, it is with some of our friends too, but it really hurts our feelings that they don't make time for us, or make the time to come see us rather. Patrick has a "oh well, fuck it" kind of attitude and I am beginning to feel the same. I think we are just so stressed right now. This to shall pass... the feeling of stress I mean.

6 years later...

Current mood:upset

Can you believe people hang on to their anger for years? I just received a hateful e-mail from someone from my past. It was simple to the point, but just plain hurtful. 6 years ago there was a break up, and with break ups there is hurt and with hurt there are feelings, words, and crazy thoughts, and worst off~ miss-communications. I feel like a miss-communication is the worst, especially if you are hurting because you can take something in the wrong content or believe something that is untrue (in this case) and it can crush all of you. Because we were never given the chance to make things right by explaining the truth at that time, I attempted a year later... but the damage was already done. You can't change the past, or anyone's feelings of the past for that matter. Over the past six years there might have been two or three e-mail correspondances, but nothing more than a couple of "how do you do's". Until recently. I guess it was my mistake. I wrote an e-mail to see how life was and family etc... a month later I get the e-mail I got today- angry as can be- to never contact him again- WOAH! was it that he never let go of his pain, his anger? Or is it that I still am hanging on hoping we could be aquaintances. I don't have any of the feelings I used to 6 years ago, but I have a hard time swallowing the idea of never speaking to someone I was so close to all because of a miss-communication. ugh!

Surrounded

Current mood: thankful

I am surrounded by the most incredible people in the whole world. My friends are absolutely amazing and I am just so honored that they are my friends. The people I work with are so talented in so many different ways, I am amazed everyday. They are a great group of people. My family is great, everyone is definately interesting , and thay all have that certain personality trait that I love. Patrick amazes me all the time. Sometimes out of nowhere when you least expect it, he can be so tender hearted and sweet. He cleans up after himself and after us girls. He keeps the laundry going, and makes sure that the bed is always made and that the kitchen is clean. Could I ask for a better man? My best girlfriends are just so indescribable~ each of them are so wonderful, and so beautiful, and so smart, and so talented. I am so lucky to be blessed with all these wonderful people in my life.

Random Thoughts

Current mood: mellow

So far I have typed and deleted 3 of these entrys in the past 30 minutes. So many thoughts, I can't really narrow it down to what I really want to express. So much change is going on and it just puts me in the "reflective" mood. So I have been looking back and planning forward. I am feeling motivated to plan out our budget to really get us where we want to be, and I really want to do something for me this year... write a book, take a photgraphy class, go back to school, paint more, lose weight, etc... Life has been pretty good this year.

Ally had her first day in the toddler classroom this morning. Such a realization that she is now a big girl. I just look at her and I am amazed at the fact that only a year ago she was a tiny infant. It's just wonderful watching her grow, watching her learn. She thinks her daddy and I are so perfect- to live up to that sure is difficult task. One day she will learn that we are human and the only thing that is perfect is our love for her.

Question out to the world- What makes someone so destorted to really act out on something so life altering? Today is the day they found the people in London who were intending on blowing up a couple of planes coming into the US. What the hell is wrong with these people?

mother f-ing bees!

April 28, 2006 - Friday
Current mood: aggravated

I am so sick and tired of these mother bleeping bees coming in my apartment! Apparently there is a hive outside my building on the third floor level. Ok... so this effects me how?! right?! Oh my (insert dirty words here)!!! they are all over the place. I have called maintenance twice and the exterminators came out three times! Still these bastards are coming in. I DON'T WANT YOU IN MY HOME!! A few weeks ago it was insane, i would leave and come home and I kid you not- 12 bees(at the least!) would be floppin around for their life on my carpet by the sliding glass door. Every mother bleepin day! My little angel has now been stung twice~ she doesn't realize you aren't supposed to stick them in your mouth! and now~~~ I come into the bedroom and the mother fathers are chillin on my bed, window seal, ironing board and the floor!!! Oh my gosh, my head was spinning, even my dog ran out of the room! On that note- isn't it her job to stop these creatures from invading our home? (she's probably been stung way to many times, poor dog) I am flippin out~ STAY OUT OF MY HOME YOU BASTARDS!!! GO AWAY!! DIE, DIE, DIE!! I now have cleaned all of their dead squirmy bodies and have sprayed like a crazy person. You know, we caulked any possible entry way that they could have unless they teamed up and opened the screen on our bedroom window. HMM, I guess anything is possible. damn bees.

Motherhood

Current mood: grateful

One of my best friends, Dianna sent this to me in an e-mail and Icried right there in front of the computer. It explains exactly how I feel about being a mother. I can't imagine my life being any different, and I wouldn't want to. I love my daughter so much, and I thank God for such an amazing gift.

Being A Mom

We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter
casually mentions that she and her husband are
thinking
of "starting a family."


"We're taking a survey," she says, half joking. "Do
you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping
my tone neutral.

"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends,
no more spontaneous vacations."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my
daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want
her to know what she will never learn in childbirth
classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds
of childbearing will eventually heal, but becoming a
mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw
that she will forever be vulnerable.

I consider warning her that she will never again read
a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY
child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will
haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving
children, she will wonder if anything could be worse
than watching your child die.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish
suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she
is, becoming a
mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a
bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of
"Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best
crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many
years she has invested in her career, she will be
professionally derailed by motherhood.

She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will
be going into an important business meeting and she
will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have
to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running
home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions
will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's
desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's
at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right
there, in the midst of c lattering trays and screaming
children, issues of independence and gender identity
will be weighed against the prospect that a child
molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will
second-guess herself constantly as a mother.

Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure
her that eventually she will shed the pounds of
pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about
herself.

That her life, now so important, will be of less value
to her once she has a child. That she would give
herself up in a moment to save her offspring, but will
also begin to hope for more years, not to accomplish
her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish
theirs. I want her to know that a Cesarean scar or
shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor.
My daughter's relationship with her husband will
change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she
could understand how much more you can love a man who
is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates
to play with
his child. I think she should know that she will fall
in love with him again for reasons she would now find
very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel
with women throughout history who have tried to stop
war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of
seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to
capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is
touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first
time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it
actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tea
rs have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I
finally say.

Then I reach across the table, squeeze my daughter's
hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for me,and
for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way
into this most wonderful of callings.

Please share this with a Mom that you know or all of
your girlfriends who may someday be Moms.