Current mood: hopeful
Another year...
So, we have lived in Pittsburgh for a year now. It's so crazy to think it was just a year ago we moved here and then to realize- wow, we have been gone from Nashville a long time. I believe we have all felt the emptiness of not having our family and friends but somehow we managed. And here we go again- moving AGAIN. Except we are staying in Pittsburgh, just moving in to another apartment, we need more space! So, we found a great apartment that we hope to enjoy enough to call it 'Home'. Although, the relationship between Patrick and I is just demolished. I find it hard to even be in the same room without feeling/receiving negative feelings. It's emotinally exhausting. We don't really know what to do. I look at it as another year... having a child together makes everything we do so difficult. Self Sacrafice- we want what is best for Ally. I see couples all the time survive but then I also see 'broken' families. Patrick likes to blame me all the time, saying it's always my fault for our relationship being negative (dead). ( He seems to forget that he is the one who cheated, he is the non -affectionate, self centered, arrogant, LAZY one) He also makes it very clear that if I break the family up he will make sure Ally knows it is my fault. He is right- it IS my fault.... for giving it another try, for trusting in him again, for believing it could work after the trust being demolished, it is my fault for giving him my heart in the first place. But- Ally won't understand that and I certainly don't expect her to, but I need her to know she comes first in my life.
This next year will be tough, but I feel a little bit better about myself since I moved here. I don't have a group of friends or anything, but I have met so many wonderful people- time will tell what will come of those. My job is good and my relationship with my boss is great. I have his support no matter what I want to do. (That is a great thing to have- professionally and emotionally) Ally is very happy here as well. She LOVES her school, her teachers, and her friends and I feel very comfortable where she is at. She is safe and she is getting an early start on her education.
.....................................to another year here in Pittsburgh!...............I am going to make it a great one. No matter what.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
California
Current mood: lonely
This past month was a great month for me, I was able to do one of the things I love best- travel. I always feel free when I travel whether it be by boat, car, train or plane. However, though I feel free, there is ALWAYS a load of stress just because it is what it is...
Mid-September, the three of us- Patrick, Ally & I- took a trip back to my home town (Sacramento, CA). This overall was a great trip for so many reasons. I was able to spend quality time with my mama, both sets of grandparents and got to sorta catch up with my cousin of the cousins- Lillian.
It's amazing how life changes so dramatically when you leave a place, and how it also somehow amazingly stays the same. My family was the same, the city was the same, and the weather was even the same. But because I have been gone so long- it wasn't. I didn't feel like that person that I was before, and I was awfully glad I wasn't but instead of being happy where I am in life- I got frustrated. My family didn't see that I was different or could even tell how much I had grown emotionally over the past 7 years. I had left on my own 7 years ago- without any help from any of them. And still- I felt judged. My grandfather, who I have always admired spoke maybe a few words to me and completely hurt my feelings. My aunts have always been amazing- and I hope to grow up and be just like all of them- in some shape or form. Spending time with my grandma Jetta is always encouraging. She is so uplifting and so positive and so heartfelt and loving. My grandfather on the otherhand, couldn't be more opposite. It's funny how relationships turn out. Yet, my grandmother loved the man with all of her heart and because she is the way she is- she sees the postive in him. He is a great man, he just likes to be by himself in his own house. On our CA trip, we were able to spend some adult time with Lori, Steve, Tyler, Greg and my BFF Nancy. We went to San fransisco. Just being there was relaxation, and spending time with people, who at that moment I realized how much I truly have missed them.
On our last day in CA- the weather was poopy and I found myself feeling liek the weather was discribing the way I felt- tired, exhausted and sad that I was leaving. Fortunately, I got to see my brother play soccer! I was so excited to see him play because When I was in high school and lived at home, he lived with his mom and we never spent time together, and so he never really knew how much I totally loved him, so here was my chance to let him know I am his biggest fan.
We also made it to my brother's bday party- a soccer party of course. Where I wa sable to spend more time with family and my friend Eric and his beautiful fiance came by too! The entire time I felt like I didn't get enough time with anyone, so I felt so torn. But either way- it was sooo great to see them.
I didn't mention my sister- but when we saw her, she was about to pop- and never did. Her baby finally came last Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007. :)
I really enjoyed my girls dinner with Nancy, Kelly, Kendra and Patrick ( hehehe , I know he is not a girl but he was still there) I wish I had pictures to show you how wonderful of a time it was, but I don't. It was so great to catch up with all of them on what they are doing these days. Kelly is still as gorgeous if not more than she has ever been, she looked sooo happy and I felt pleased to see her in that state. She deserves all the great things she now has. Kendra hadn't changed a bit- still funny and full of laughable drama. It's weird to go back and think of how we all became friends. Kendra turned out just the way I thought she would- successful, happy and still never settling for 2nd best. My Nancy- I know I always miss her, but it's amazing how we can go over a year or so without seeing each other and talking not as often as we should and everything between us remains the same, if not more. She and I still share the same love we always have its just stronger now- being in her house brought back so many memories and it was a comfort to know, that not much has changed. I just wished we lived closer.
Ally had a wonderful time too, and believe it or not, for a two year old- Ally did great on the LONG plane ride to and from. She makes me so proud.
This past month was a great month for me, I was able to do one of the things I love best- travel. I always feel free when I travel whether it be by boat, car, train or plane. However, though I feel free, there is ALWAYS a load of stress just because it is what it is...
Mid-September, the three of us- Patrick, Ally & I- took a trip back to my home town (Sacramento, CA). This overall was a great trip for so many reasons. I was able to spend quality time with my mama, both sets of grandparents and got to sorta catch up with my cousin of the cousins- Lillian.
It's amazing how life changes so dramatically when you leave a place, and how it also somehow amazingly stays the same. My family was the same, the city was the same, and the weather was even the same. But because I have been gone so long- it wasn't. I didn't feel like that person that I was before, and I was awfully glad I wasn't but instead of being happy where I am in life- I got frustrated. My family didn't see that I was different or could even tell how much I had grown emotionally over the past 7 years. I had left on my own 7 years ago- without any help from any of them. And still- I felt judged. My grandfather, who I have always admired spoke maybe a few words to me and completely hurt my feelings. My aunts have always been amazing- and I hope to grow up and be just like all of them- in some shape or form. Spending time with my grandma Jetta is always encouraging. She is so uplifting and so positive and so heartfelt and loving. My grandfather on the otherhand, couldn't be more opposite. It's funny how relationships turn out. Yet, my grandmother loved the man with all of her heart and because she is the way she is- she sees the postive in him. He is a great man, he just likes to be by himself in his own house. On our CA trip, we were able to spend some adult time with Lori, Steve, Tyler, Greg and my BFF Nancy. We went to San fransisco. Just being there was relaxation, and spending time with people, who at that moment I realized how much I truly have missed them.
On our last day in CA- the weather was poopy and I found myself feeling liek the weather was discribing the way I felt- tired, exhausted and sad that I was leaving. Fortunately, I got to see my brother play soccer! I was so excited to see him play because When I was in high school and lived at home, he lived with his mom and we never spent time together, and so he never really knew how much I totally loved him, so here was my chance to let him know I am his biggest fan.
We also made it to my brother's bday party- a soccer party of course. Where I wa sable to spend more time with family and my friend Eric and his beautiful fiance came by too! The entire time I felt like I didn't get enough time with anyone, so I felt so torn. But either way- it was sooo great to see them.
I didn't mention my sister- but when we saw her, she was about to pop- and never did. Her baby finally came last Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007. :)
I really enjoyed my girls dinner with Nancy, Kelly, Kendra and Patrick ( hehehe , I know he is not a girl but he was still there) I wish I had pictures to show you how wonderful of a time it was, but I don't. It was so great to catch up with all of them on what they are doing these days. Kelly is still as gorgeous if not more than she has ever been, she looked sooo happy and I felt pleased to see her in that state. She deserves all the great things she now has. Kendra hadn't changed a bit- still funny and full of laughable drama. It's weird to go back and think of how we all became friends. Kendra turned out just the way I thought she would- successful, happy and still never settling for 2nd best. My Nancy- I know I always miss her, but it's amazing how we can go over a year or so without seeing each other and talking not as often as we should and everything between us remains the same, if not more. She and I still share the same love we always have its just stronger now- being in her house brought back so many memories and it was a comfort to know, that not much has changed. I just wished we lived closer.
Ally had a wonderful time too, and believe it or not, for a two year old- Ally did great on the LONG plane ride to and from. She makes me so proud.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Happiness is...
Current mood: calm
There was a time in 2004 that I made a gift with a piece of canvas and a couple of slaps of paint and named it ' happiness is' the painting was of 'us'. My happiness was being with him. To me- us together was so special.
I wonder how i let myself feel so hurt. People hurt us and we hurt people in life- its inevitable. We are human, so why do we choose what we can forgive and get over and what we don't? Our parents screw up so many times and only sometimes do we scream ' I have had enough' before we write them off or close them out. Same with our friends and our love relationships. No matter what type of relationship, hurt is hurt.
Patrick and I both have hurt each other, for so many stupid reasons- no doubt. Could it be because we were young and so damn confused about where we both were? I guess that could be one of those things we dwell on forever, but I am just so ready to give up the hurt. It hurts so much because I let it ( at this point). I do have to say there are so many types of hurtful pains and some definately hurt more than others... And each situation of forgiveness is different. God forgives everybody for everything, so why are we as humans to difficult to forgive?
I think to how I feel at the end of the day ( as my old roomie and BFF always asked/told me) ... she always said to reference that 'it's all how you feel at the end of the day'... at the end of the day, though sometimes I may feel sad, lonely, hurt, mad or whatever, I love Patrick whole-heartedly and we have a family and I have to think that all the previous challeneges should've destroyed us by now if they were going to. Are we denying it or are we not allowing greatness to take over?
There was a time in 2004 that I made a gift with a piece of canvas and a couple of slaps of paint and named it ' happiness is' the painting was of 'us'. My happiness was being with him. To me- us together was so special.
I wonder how i let myself feel so hurt. People hurt us and we hurt people in life- its inevitable. We are human, so why do we choose what we can forgive and get over and what we don't? Our parents screw up so many times and only sometimes do we scream ' I have had enough' before we write them off or close them out. Same with our friends and our love relationships. No matter what type of relationship, hurt is hurt.
Patrick and I both have hurt each other, for so many stupid reasons- no doubt. Could it be because we were young and so damn confused about where we both were? I guess that could be one of those things we dwell on forever, but I am just so ready to give up the hurt. It hurts so much because I let it ( at this point). I do have to say there are so many types of hurtful pains and some definately hurt more than others... And each situation of forgiveness is different. God forgives everybody for everything, so why are we as humans to difficult to forgive?
I think to how I feel at the end of the day ( as my old roomie and BFF always asked/told me) ... she always said to reference that 'it's all how you feel at the end of the day'... at the end of the day, though sometimes I may feel sad, lonely, hurt, mad or whatever, I love Patrick whole-heartedly and we have a family and I have to think that all the previous challeneges should've destroyed us by now if they were going to. Are we denying it or are we not allowing greatness to take over?
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Sitting in Silence
Current mood: lonely
I want to be able to have the type of relationship where people say, ' wow , you both look so happy'... And for it all to be true. I look at some friends pictures of their wedding and or honeymoon etc. and I see them having fun and being happy. Will I have that too? People automatically say yeah sure...but...........
I have great people in my life, infact I know and love absolutely wonderful people. I know I am blessed, and life with Patrick hasn't been terrible, but it hasn't been great. There are great things that could be out of the relationship... but I can't get over what happened. It has seemed to strip me of all of my trust, and all of my affection and all of my love. I know it's in there, but could we ever be better than this? Or are we really not meant to be? Some moments I think it's just me and it can work, other moments, I think 'get me the hell out of here'!
I really miss having friends... I have one friend here, who is fabulous and I adore him, but our relationship can only go so far, he is male and married, so I don't ever talk to him past 6pm- and we keep our friendship sincere but casual. But I need someone I can call, someone who calls me, who stops by, someone to go out with- someone to talk to abut 'stuff ' .........a girlfriend really. I talk to Jim about everything that goes on, but again... he is male, so that limits him, on a girls' perspective lol.... but then there are times when his words are just perfect.
I have my Allygator, but sometimes I just want to be an adult and do adult things.
I am just lonely...
I want to be able to have the type of relationship where people say, ' wow , you both look so happy'... And for it all to be true. I look at some friends pictures of their wedding and or honeymoon etc. and I see them having fun and being happy. Will I have that too? People automatically say yeah sure...but...........
I have great people in my life, infact I know and love absolutely wonderful people. I know I am blessed, and life with Patrick hasn't been terrible, but it hasn't been great. There are great things that could be out of the relationship... but I can't get over what happened. It has seemed to strip me of all of my trust, and all of my affection and all of my love. I know it's in there, but could we ever be better than this? Or are we really not meant to be? Some moments I think it's just me and it can work, other moments, I think 'get me the hell out of here'!
I really miss having friends... I have one friend here, who is fabulous and I adore him, but our relationship can only go so far, he is male and married, so I don't ever talk to him past 6pm- and we keep our friendship sincere but casual. But I need someone I can call, someone who calls me, who stops by, someone to go out with- someone to talk to abut 'stuff ' .........a girlfriend really. I talk to Jim about everything that goes on, but again... he is male, so that limits him, on a girls' perspective lol.... but then there are times when his words are just perfect.
I have my Allygator, but sometimes I just want to be an adult and do adult things.
I am just lonely...
Sunday, July 29, 2007
It should not be that hard.
Current mood: contemplative
Love shouldn't be that hard, the relationship definately always takes work and compromise, but the act of 'love' shouldn't feel forced. Why do I feel like I have been forcing a square peg into a circle hole?
Love shouldn't be that hard, the relationship definately always takes work and compromise, but the act of 'love' shouldn't feel forced. Why do I feel like I have been forcing a square peg into a circle hole?
Friday, July 27, 2007
Such an ass!
Current mood: aggravated
Could he be more self centered? He thinks he just made a simple 'mistake', and wonders why he can't be trusted. A simple mistake is forgetting to enter the $40.00 debit transaction into the right bank account. It may have been just a mistake if he did it once and was drunk, then, it would have been a stupid, fucked up mistake and still almost unforgivable because of all of the lies told but, that whole year relationship was a choice and he chose to lie to me and chose to hide it all from me... and proof that he never loved me. So why was/am I so stupid to believe he could actually love me now? Why because I was dumb enough to let him hurt me then allow him in my life again? Was that because i was too forgiving or because I truly loved him? Either way he didn't deserve any of that love, and yet, he still thinks I should just get over it? I WOULD LOVE TO! However, when hurt like that , someone's self worth and esteem is damaged... could I blame him for that- no, but I can blame him for being selfish and so self cenetered- right?? I deserve better than that, i deserve someone honest and faithful...
Could he be more self centered? He thinks he just made a simple 'mistake', and wonders why he can't be trusted. A simple mistake is forgetting to enter the $40.00 debit transaction into the right bank account. It may have been just a mistake if he did it once and was drunk, then, it would have been a stupid, fucked up mistake and still almost unforgivable because of all of the lies told but, that whole year relationship was a choice and he chose to lie to me and chose to hide it all from me... and proof that he never loved me. So why was/am I so stupid to believe he could actually love me now? Why because I was dumb enough to let him hurt me then allow him in my life again? Was that because i was too forgiving or because I truly loved him? Either way he didn't deserve any of that love, and yet, he still thinks I should just get over it? I WOULD LOVE TO! However, when hurt like that , someone's self worth and esteem is damaged... could I blame him for that- no, but I can blame him for being selfish and so self cenetered- right?? I deserve better than that, i deserve someone honest and faithful...
Saturday, July 7, 2007
The Crossroad
Current mood: confused
I am at that point where I can move forward or stand still. If I move forward am I leaving something behind that I may regret? If I stand still, I could potentially be missing out on something great, something better. Not necessarily a/the 'person', but a/the 'life'. I am happy with Life, and life is good, but for some reason, I am not fulfilled. At what point does the fulfillment begin to happen?
I am at that point where I can move forward or stand still. If I move forward am I leaving something behind that I may regret? If I stand still, I could potentially be missing out on something great, something better. Not necessarily a/the 'person', but a/the 'life'. I am happy with Life, and life is good, but for some reason, I am not fulfilled. At what point does the fulfillment begin to happen?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
