*******Disclaimer*******
This is me letting go of some thoughts, feelings,resentment and carried over hurt, if for some reason you don't think you will be able to read this without throwing it in to my face or using it to hurt me then do not read any further. Thank you!
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Dearest Michael,
heh - or My Michael as I used to call you. I am so sorry for not being honest in what I was feeling which caused me to hurt you. It's important for you to know~ I did not cheat on you or do any of the things you thought I did. I lied about them. Obviously, not realizing how much it would hurt both of us. Why is not important anymore except for the fact of being young and stupid enough to 'test' someone's love for them- Which is what I did. I eventually learned I got the answer I wanted, but didn't realize it because of the mistake I made of not being honest with you. Why did I let you believe that I did anything wrong? WHO does that? ....I did. I left for me, it had nothing to do with you. I was scared in the direction I thought my life was going. After what happened in May of 1999, the way your mom despised my existence, my lack of family support, the drug abuse of my mother, the lack of love for myself - I needed to grow. Unfortunately, that meant leaving my past (ours included) behind. However, I've never been able to let go because you never knew the truth. You and your family believed a lie I never denied. I didn't get a chance to apologize or to tell you how much I truly with all of my heart loved you. It made me happy to hear through the grapevine you have been living out your dream, doing all you wanted to do and now you are getting married. All that I am expressing to you is only something of your past- you obviously moved forward and haven't lost any sleep... but for me to let go of you - I had to let this all go. You will never actually receive this ( i believe you said it best when you said 'please don't ever contact me again') but maybe you will in some other form. I have always loved you Michael. And for the rest of my life I will always be grateful for your heart that you had once given me and you will still always have a piece of mine. Just know that it was because of you I was able to truly be myself. You let me to believe I was loveable and though 'lost'; a good person. And because of your faith in me I was able to move forward in my life and be open to so many new things. After moving to Nashville, I wanted so bad to tell you all about it and hoped that you'd be proud of some of the accomplishments I had made. And I remember your last verbal words to me..."I hope you find what it is you are searching for". Well, since I am being honest here - I was searching for my 'place'. My place in where I fit into all of it. I was totally lost and NO i don't think I am found, settled by any means, but I had found my place in life within myself, and was able to grow into my own person, instead of remaining that sad broken person. But~ I miss you Michael. I miss you all the days in my life. I wish you so many wonderful things in your current and in your future. I hope that when I run into you one day you can smile at me and say hello.
Forever and a day,
Stephanie
P.s. I loved your mom too... I know you didn't think so, I was just so hurt by the way she treated me... but I realized it wasn't necessarily about me- it was her having a hard time letting you go and being protective. I don't blame her at all. In fact, I used to pray for her in hopes she'd forgive what happened and not continue to hold ill feelings towards me.
