Current mood: hopeful
Another year...
So, we have lived in Pittsburgh for a year now. It's so crazy to think it was just a year ago we moved here and then to realize- wow, we have been gone from Nashville a long time. I believe we have all felt the emptiness of not having our family and friends but somehow we managed. And here we go again- moving AGAIN. Except we are staying in Pittsburgh, just moving in to another apartment, we need more space! So, we found a great apartment that we hope to enjoy enough to call it 'Home'. Although, the relationship between Patrick and I is just demolished. I find it hard to even be in the same room without feeling/receiving negative feelings. It's emotinally exhausting. We don't really know what to do. I look at it as another year... having a child together makes everything we do so difficult. Self Sacrafice- we want what is best for Ally. I see couples all the time survive but then I also see 'broken' families. Patrick likes to blame me all the time, saying it's always my fault for our relationship being negative (dead). ( He seems to forget that he is the one who cheated, he is the non -affectionate, self centered, arrogant, LAZY one) He also makes it very clear that if I break the family up he will make sure Ally knows it is my fault. He is right- it IS my fault.... for giving it another try, for trusting in him again, for believing it could work after the trust being demolished, it is my fault for giving him my heart in the first place. But- Ally won't understand that and I certainly don't expect her to, but I need her to know she comes first in my life.
This next year will be tough, but I feel a little bit better about myself since I moved here. I don't have a group of friends or anything, but I have met so many wonderful people- time will tell what will come of those. My job is good and my relationship with my boss is great. I have his support no matter what I want to do. (That is a great thing to have- professionally and emotionally) Ally is very happy here as well. She LOVES her school, her teachers, and her friends and I feel very comfortable where she is at. She is safe and she is getting an early start on her education.
.....................................to another year here in Pittsburgh!...............I am going to make it a great one. No matter what.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
California
Current mood: lonely
This past month was a great month for me, I was able to do one of the things I love best- travel. I always feel free when I travel whether it be by boat, car, train or plane. However, though I feel free, there is ALWAYS a load of stress just because it is what it is...
Mid-September, the three of us- Patrick, Ally & I- took a trip back to my home town (Sacramento, CA). This overall was a great trip for so many reasons. I was able to spend quality time with my mama, both sets of grandparents and got to sorta catch up with my cousin of the cousins- Lillian.
It's amazing how life changes so dramatically when you leave a place, and how it also somehow amazingly stays the same. My family was the same, the city was the same, and the weather was even the same. But because I have been gone so long- it wasn't. I didn't feel like that person that I was before, and I was awfully glad I wasn't but instead of being happy where I am in life- I got frustrated. My family didn't see that I was different or could even tell how much I had grown emotionally over the past 7 years. I had left on my own 7 years ago- without any help from any of them. And still- I felt judged. My grandfather, who I have always admired spoke maybe a few words to me and completely hurt my feelings. My aunts have always been amazing- and I hope to grow up and be just like all of them- in some shape or form. Spending time with my grandma Jetta is always encouraging. She is so uplifting and so positive and so heartfelt and loving. My grandfather on the otherhand, couldn't be more opposite. It's funny how relationships turn out. Yet, my grandmother loved the man with all of her heart and because she is the way she is- she sees the postive in him. He is a great man, he just likes to be by himself in his own house. On our CA trip, we were able to spend some adult time with Lori, Steve, Tyler, Greg and my BFF Nancy. We went to San fransisco. Just being there was relaxation, and spending time with people, who at that moment I realized how much I truly have missed them.
On our last day in CA- the weather was poopy and I found myself feeling liek the weather was discribing the way I felt- tired, exhausted and sad that I was leaving. Fortunately, I got to see my brother play soccer! I was so excited to see him play because When I was in high school and lived at home, he lived with his mom and we never spent time together, and so he never really knew how much I totally loved him, so here was my chance to let him know I am his biggest fan.
We also made it to my brother's bday party- a soccer party of course. Where I wa sable to spend more time with family and my friend Eric and his beautiful fiance came by too! The entire time I felt like I didn't get enough time with anyone, so I felt so torn. But either way- it was sooo great to see them.
I didn't mention my sister- but when we saw her, she was about to pop- and never did. Her baby finally came last Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007. :)
I really enjoyed my girls dinner with Nancy, Kelly, Kendra and Patrick ( hehehe , I know he is not a girl but he was still there) I wish I had pictures to show you how wonderful of a time it was, but I don't. It was so great to catch up with all of them on what they are doing these days. Kelly is still as gorgeous if not more than she has ever been, she looked sooo happy and I felt pleased to see her in that state. She deserves all the great things she now has. Kendra hadn't changed a bit- still funny and full of laughable drama. It's weird to go back and think of how we all became friends. Kendra turned out just the way I thought she would- successful, happy and still never settling for 2nd best. My Nancy- I know I always miss her, but it's amazing how we can go over a year or so without seeing each other and talking not as often as we should and everything between us remains the same, if not more. She and I still share the same love we always have its just stronger now- being in her house brought back so many memories and it was a comfort to know, that not much has changed. I just wished we lived closer.
Ally had a wonderful time too, and believe it or not, for a two year old- Ally did great on the LONG plane ride to and from. She makes me so proud.
This past month was a great month for me, I was able to do one of the things I love best- travel. I always feel free when I travel whether it be by boat, car, train or plane. However, though I feel free, there is ALWAYS a load of stress just because it is what it is...
Mid-September, the three of us- Patrick, Ally & I- took a trip back to my home town (Sacramento, CA). This overall was a great trip for so many reasons. I was able to spend quality time with my mama, both sets of grandparents and got to sorta catch up with my cousin of the cousins- Lillian.
It's amazing how life changes so dramatically when you leave a place, and how it also somehow amazingly stays the same. My family was the same, the city was the same, and the weather was even the same. But because I have been gone so long- it wasn't. I didn't feel like that person that I was before, and I was awfully glad I wasn't but instead of being happy where I am in life- I got frustrated. My family didn't see that I was different or could even tell how much I had grown emotionally over the past 7 years. I had left on my own 7 years ago- without any help from any of them. And still- I felt judged. My grandfather, who I have always admired spoke maybe a few words to me and completely hurt my feelings. My aunts have always been amazing- and I hope to grow up and be just like all of them- in some shape or form. Spending time with my grandma Jetta is always encouraging. She is so uplifting and so positive and so heartfelt and loving. My grandfather on the otherhand, couldn't be more opposite. It's funny how relationships turn out. Yet, my grandmother loved the man with all of her heart and because she is the way she is- she sees the postive in him. He is a great man, he just likes to be by himself in his own house. On our CA trip, we were able to spend some adult time with Lori, Steve, Tyler, Greg and my BFF Nancy. We went to San fransisco. Just being there was relaxation, and spending time with people, who at that moment I realized how much I truly have missed them.
On our last day in CA- the weather was poopy and I found myself feeling liek the weather was discribing the way I felt- tired, exhausted and sad that I was leaving. Fortunately, I got to see my brother play soccer! I was so excited to see him play because When I was in high school and lived at home, he lived with his mom and we never spent time together, and so he never really knew how much I totally loved him, so here was my chance to let him know I am his biggest fan.
We also made it to my brother's bday party- a soccer party of course. Where I wa sable to spend more time with family and my friend Eric and his beautiful fiance came by too! The entire time I felt like I didn't get enough time with anyone, so I felt so torn. But either way- it was sooo great to see them.
I didn't mention my sister- but when we saw her, she was about to pop- and never did. Her baby finally came last Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007. :)
I really enjoyed my girls dinner with Nancy, Kelly, Kendra and Patrick ( hehehe , I know he is not a girl but he was still there) I wish I had pictures to show you how wonderful of a time it was, but I don't. It was so great to catch up with all of them on what they are doing these days. Kelly is still as gorgeous if not more than she has ever been, she looked sooo happy and I felt pleased to see her in that state. She deserves all the great things she now has. Kendra hadn't changed a bit- still funny and full of laughable drama. It's weird to go back and think of how we all became friends. Kendra turned out just the way I thought she would- successful, happy and still never settling for 2nd best. My Nancy- I know I always miss her, but it's amazing how we can go over a year or so without seeing each other and talking not as often as we should and everything between us remains the same, if not more. She and I still share the same love we always have its just stronger now- being in her house brought back so many memories and it was a comfort to know, that not much has changed. I just wished we lived closer.
Ally had a wonderful time too, and believe it or not, for a two year old- Ally did great on the LONG plane ride to and from. She makes me so proud.
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