Current mood: sad
Is this it? Am I supposed to be getting married to this man? Am I just settling because of all we have gone through? Or because we had Ally together? Am I going to ruin my daughter's life?
Are my friends not listening because they paid for this cruise too?
Saturday, May 19, 2007
The Book Hunt
Current mood: cold
I recently just finsished reading "Scar Tissue" - Anthony Kiedis and I have to say hands down, one of the greatest books ever! It could be because I have been on the other side of someone's drug use/ recovery my whole life, and to finally understand the feelings of the disease 'addiction' it puts things into a completely new perspective. So, I took a trip to Barnes and Noble yesterday to find a new book. I went to each section of the store and pulled out a couple books , read details etc... and I could not find a book to pull me in. I want to be inspired, I want the answers to all of my questinons to be written in bold red letters, so all I need to do is open the book, read, and bam! life falls into place. Wishful thinking right?
I recently had an arguement with a certain somebody and he felt the need to throw any words of my own into my face just to be hateful... so from this point forward my blogs and all else will be private, from this person anyway. Who wants their own thoughts to be used against them?
I recently just finsished reading "Scar Tissue" - Anthony Kiedis and I have to say hands down, one of the greatest books ever! It could be because I have been on the other side of someone's drug use/ recovery my whole life, and to finally understand the feelings of the disease 'addiction' it puts things into a completely new perspective. So, I took a trip to Barnes and Noble yesterday to find a new book. I went to each section of the store and pulled out a couple books , read details etc... and I could not find a book to pull me in. I want to be inspired, I want the answers to all of my questinons to be written in bold red letters, so all I need to do is open the book, read, and bam! life falls into place. Wishful thinking right?
I recently had an arguement with a certain somebody and he felt the need to throw any words of my own into my face just to be hateful... so from this point forward my blogs and all else will be private, from this person anyway. Who wants their own thoughts to be used against them?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Current mood: gloomy
Perhaps it's because it's that "time of the month" or perhaps the season is now changing, or that life is changing again. Right when I think I have embraced change- it comes around and smacks me again saying- " I'm back!" I enjoy change, however, it's like becoming comfortable in the bed or on your couch and someone takes your pillow or blanket away- you look around like, "wtf?!" you either don't care, deal with it, throw a fit, or get off your ass to get a new pillow or blanket. I am in the " ugh! are you serious, I really have to get up and get a new pillow or blanket - again?" phase. Once I am up, it won't be a big deal and I may not even lay back down, but it's just at that point. Life is good, I am not complaining ( just expressing) but right now I am in a funk. (again!)
My daughter is in this phase where she only wants her daddy, and I'm chop liver. It doesn't matter that I had carried her in my womb for 9 months or that I nursed her everyday for 6 months, or that I feed, bathe and clothe her... or that i take time to teach her colors, numbers, letters and animals, or that i read to her everyday or tell her I love her and give her hugs and kisses... NOPE.... it's all about her daddy- she is daddy's little girl. I am so thankful that she has a wonderful daddy and that her daddy loves her so much. But I am still hurt and jealous. I am ready to have my boy so he can love his mama!! Actually, I am just kidding, I am not ready for another baby. I have been trying my hardest for so long to lose weight and feel like a 26 year old female again. I am almost there.
Anyway- my job is great and Pittsburgh is wonderful and I have made some great friends that I can talk to. I have Nancy at work, who I totally love and look forward to being with. She and I can share stories and laugh at each other, it's great. And then there is Stephanie who I see only sometimes and we always talk about escaping the mom world for 5 minutes and then we laugh because we both know we can't stand to be away from our kids that long! Then there is Jim and his wife Anna. Jim has been so great to me! He lets me talk about whatever, and he will listen even if he is totally uninterested. (that is always a sign of a good friend) he makes me laugh and I feel totally comfortable around him to be myself. I look forward to seeing him on a daily basis too. But then there are the days when I dont' see Jim, Nancy doesn't work and I don't see or talk to Stephanie. I then begin to miss my friends. I think what I miss, is not just the people, but the opportunity to just go meet after work for coffee and catch up. I have been playing phone tag with Rebekah for over a month now~ and I finally got to talk wth her for maybe 7 minutes.
Ally's birthday is coming up and we are no longer going to California and I miss my family. I miss both my aunt Lisa's. In fact I need them right now at this time in my life. To just sit and talk to... to tell me that all is well, live your dream etc... they both are so good at that. Ally is going to be 2 and so she doesn't need a big party but I'd like to do something more than cake.
My sister who is 17 and pregnant just found out what she is having. She is having a boy. This shoudl be one of the most exciting times in her life, and I have yet to hear from her. Luckily my mom keeps me updated, but I also think my sister knows that I won't knwo what to say. It breaks my heart that she is in the situatinon she is in. She has no idea how hard (not even the word to explain it) raising a baby really is. I mean to really raise a baby- to do it right. To teach them love, consequences and right and wrong. She hasn't even learned those things yet. I just pray that her son will give her a crash course lesson and that her life will turn around and that they will have a chance (both of them) to do something great. My sister has a wonderful heart and fun spirit... she has the ability to change the world, but she has no idea how.
My relationship with Patrick is at a point where the past is actually almost fuzzy. This is a good thing... scratch that.... a NEEDED thing. Not the entire past just the yucky parts. However, the closer it gets to the cruise/wedding, the more I start freaking out- and I think the more calm he gets... I think I am afraid of going through the change I went through after we had Ally. The loss of personal identity.
oh geez, here I go rambling again when I look down at the clock and it is 30 minutes past when I really need to be in bed. We all go to bed early here- it's so necessary! so, goodnight.
Perhaps it's because it's that "time of the month" or perhaps the season is now changing, or that life is changing again. Right when I think I have embraced change- it comes around and smacks me again saying- " I'm back!" I enjoy change, however, it's like becoming comfortable in the bed or on your couch and someone takes your pillow or blanket away- you look around like, "wtf?!" you either don't care, deal with it, throw a fit, or get off your ass to get a new pillow or blanket. I am in the " ugh! are you serious, I really have to get up and get a new pillow or blanket - again?" phase. Once I am up, it won't be a big deal and I may not even lay back down, but it's just at that point. Life is good, I am not complaining ( just expressing) but right now I am in a funk. (again!)
My daughter is in this phase where she only wants her daddy, and I'm chop liver. It doesn't matter that I had carried her in my womb for 9 months or that I nursed her everyday for 6 months, or that I feed, bathe and clothe her... or that i take time to teach her colors, numbers, letters and animals, or that i read to her everyday or tell her I love her and give her hugs and kisses... NOPE.... it's all about her daddy- she is daddy's little girl. I am so thankful that she has a wonderful daddy and that her daddy loves her so much. But I am still hurt and jealous. I am ready to have my boy so he can love his mama!! Actually, I am just kidding, I am not ready for another baby. I have been trying my hardest for so long to lose weight and feel like a 26 year old female again. I am almost there.
Anyway- my job is great and Pittsburgh is wonderful and I have made some great friends that I can talk to. I have Nancy at work, who I totally love and look forward to being with. She and I can share stories and laugh at each other, it's great. And then there is Stephanie who I see only sometimes and we always talk about escaping the mom world for 5 minutes and then we laugh because we both know we can't stand to be away from our kids that long! Then there is Jim and his wife Anna. Jim has been so great to me! He lets me talk about whatever, and he will listen even if he is totally uninterested. (that is always a sign of a good friend) he makes me laugh and I feel totally comfortable around him to be myself. I look forward to seeing him on a daily basis too. But then there are the days when I dont' see Jim, Nancy doesn't work and I don't see or talk to Stephanie. I then begin to miss my friends. I think what I miss, is not just the people, but the opportunity to just go meet after work for coffee and catch up. I have been playing phone tag with Rebekah for over a month now~ and I finally got to talk wth her for maybe 7 minutes.
Ally's birthday is coming up and we are no longer going to California and I miss my family. I miss both my aunt Lisa's. In fact I need them right now at this time in my life. To just sit and talk to... to tell me that all is well, live your dream etc... they both are so good at that. Ally is going to be 2 and so she doesn't need a big party but I'd like to do something more than cake.
My sister who is 17 and pregnant just found out what she is having. She is having a boy. This shoudl be one of the most exciting times in her life, and I have yet to hear from her. Luckily my mom keeps me updated, but I also think my sister knows that I won't knwo what to say. It breaks my heart that she is in the situatinon she is in. She has no idea how hard (not even the word to explain it) raising a baby really is. I mean to really raise a baby- to do it right. To teach them love, consequences and right and wrong. She hasn't even learned those things yet. I just pray that her son will give her a crash course lesson and that her life will turn around and that they will have a chance (both of them) to do something great. My sister has a wonderful heart and fun spirit... she has the ability to change the world, but she has no idea how.
My relationship with Patrick is at a point where the past is actually almost fuzzy. This is a good thing... scratch that.... a NEEDED thing. Not the entire past just the yucky parts. However, the closer it gets to the cruise/wedding, the more I start freaking out- and I think the more calm he gets... I think I am afraid of going through the change I went through after we had Ally. The loss of personal identity.
oh geez, here I go rambling again when I look down at the clock and it is 30 minutes past when I really need to be in bed. We all go to bed early here- it's so necessary! so, goodnight.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
